Modern Warfare 2

My dad brought home "Call of Duty 6: Modern Warfare 2" yesterday. I'm not distracted, but I feel like a donkey, with the carrot dangling right in-front of me...

3 more weeks, and it's all over. Everything. Hard to imagine huh? I guess it's fitting that "2012" comes out around the end of my exams =P

On Your Marks...

Today was a good day. After many months of separation, finally I see her again. Telling her about some of the nonsense I went through and hearing a little bit of her story helped me remember what it was like having someone I could share myself so freely with without being judged at all. She's changed, matured a little, but has essentially remained the same. I wonder if she's thinking that I've matured/changed for the better? I certainly hope so. After all God has seen me through, it would be a shame if I have come out exactly who I was before.

Nah... I'm definitely not the kid I was before. Not after all that has happened over the past 2 years. JC life has been eventful, though not always for the right reasons. It's been a Cosine wave, starting high and going up and down throughout. It's looking like it's moving up from the minimum to the maximum point now though, and I feel like I'm at the equilibrium moving up. My list of close friends has been severely cut. I'm left with only Rudi now... And Li Yun... And a bunch of other friends who will pop up just when I'm at my lowest =P

I wonder if God's plan is to show me how to really just rely on one God and be done with it. Man, that's a hard lesson to learn. I mean, it's one thing to be despised for being a good Christian, but a complete other matter to be despised for just being yourself. That I'm disliked or tolerated because of who I am makes me look at the "die to yourself" thing in a whole new light.

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I'm starting to think that changing Churches might have psychological and spiritual purposes. But, that said, I don't want to be running away from what God has planned. Haven't I been through this question before? Now, the reason to resolve this question is a lot more straightforward:

If I stay, I serve

If I don't, I start back at square one in a whole new field

This is something that requires prayer... Good thing I have 2 years of do-nothing to be praying about it while my body is fatigued beyond all imagination. I honestly can't wait

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10-30 November. One paper a day, give or take a few days.

After that... After that... I'm looking forward to the end but dreading the leap of faith to the nothingness... Do I go to a University? Or do I go to NIE? Do I retake my 'A' levels? Do I start working immediately? Or do I migrate to Aussie/USA?

I'm running off the edge of the cliff, hoping that I can leap far enough. Depending on how I do for this exam, I might reach the other end of the chasm, or I might fall into the abyss. If I do fall, when I get to Heaven I hope to be able to truthfully say I've done the best I could, then Jesus would say, "Yeah, I know, I know... C'mon, let's talk,"

In the meantime... All I hear in my head is, "On your marks, get set..."

God bless y'all =)

"GO!!!"

The purpose of a blog is to be heard.

The purpose of life is to learn lessons.

Life is the introduction to Heaven or Hell, it's where we choose which realm we'll live in

The value of life is the lessons we learn from it. It's the Grace we've received to live it, it's the appreciation of the little things that we gain from it.

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As long as we've learnt all we can learn, or gained all we can gain from life, God will not let us go. Until every choice has been made, until every path-way has been taken, we're gonna be living this life. The fact that my heart's still beating is that I still have lessons to learn. It might be just one more, or it could be hundreds more. At least I know there's something to look forward to

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Where do you draw the line between pride and dignity?

Where is the line between being humble and being a push-over?

What's the difference between being teachable and being spineless?

I'm pathetic

License to Psych

Psych is a cool show.

"My pilot's license? It's out back in the F16. Or perhaps you were referring to my license to kill? Revoked. Trouble at the Kashmir border. I would give you the details, but then I'd have to kill you. Which I couldn't because my license to kill has been revoked..."

"This is such a cool mattress! It feels like one of those that you could bounce a bowling ball on it and have a glass of wine on it? But the wine doesn't spill! You, get me a bowling ball and a glass of wine!"

"Judgment day? That's bad... It's like, the day you're judged,"

Humility

30 days, 3 TYS, Prelim papers on the side, and one exam that decides it all. If I succeed, I get into Uni, Faculty of Arts and Social Science, where I can take Psychology/Sociology/Mass Media/Philosophy/Theater/English Literature or Language.

If I fail, I get into NIE. Either way, my goal is Singapore Bible College (SBC)

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I can't wait for army, really

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Naruto is interesting as opposed to Bleach... Where Bleach has raw power, Naruto bases its battles on ingenuity and creativity. It's more fun to watch. Bleach had promise but... Sigh... Sometimes, the "Dragonball" formula doesn't cut it

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I sometimes want to live an entire day outside of my body, to see how I behave. I wanna see how horrible I am, so that I can improve. The best solution I can think up is to shut my mouth, but when I get caught in the moment I just lose it and blabber.

Makes me wonder what gave me the impression I could lead worship, if I can't live a worshipful life. Kelvin was right, the danger of playing just to show off is so great. Unless it's a calling, or unless my heart is in the right place, I should never be allowed to lead worship or join a worship team. Gifts and talents are well and good, but it's the heart of the person that counts

It's not the size of the sword, but the wielder

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I look at Oliver and Hilary, I look at Samantha/Samuel/Benedict... I'm an asshole. When was the last time I let them know how precious they are to me? How much meaning they added to my life? All I ever did was insult and push them around, thinking I was the main character of my story and everyone could do whatever the hell they wanted, because it's my story

Too little, too late. Is the meaning of life discovered by the relationships we have? In a way it is, and in another way, it's about our relationships with ourselves. Maybe I have to start loving myself rather than hating myself.

Yeah, right. The fact that I could do all that meant I loved myself to idolization. And there I was being the ultimate hypocrite. It takes skill to lie, but it takes stupidity to lie to yourself.

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Hide Your face from my sin
And cover my iniquity
Create in me a clean heart
And renew a right spirit within me
Don't cast me away from Your presence
And take not Your Spirit from me

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The question becomes: What is humility?

Life is meaningless if you die without making an impact to the world, or to a life. To make an impact, you must be wise, and to be wise... Well, if I were wise, I wouldn't be so upset about this issue

The need to feel that you matter, the need to feel wanted or perhaps to know your thoughts and words matter is something that I readily admit I struggle with. Even now I'm exhibiting this condition. My inappropriate bursts of inappropriate comments, my constant and sometimes even ruthless teasing of my friends, the need to show that I'm better, and the childish longing to be the center of attention. It is wisdom to know these flaws, but it is wiser still to be rid of them

"Everything you say, everything you do," the echoes of a voice ring in my head, "Everything is just directed to draw attention to yourself. Your ego is so hopelessly inflated that it's sick," (Excerpt from a tirade of disgust)

Nothing is worse than when you realize that you're disowned and not wanted

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"So sad, I'll miss so many things about this place..." a friend laments and starts rattling out reasons for her sorrow

Moving on gives us the chance to remember memories in nostalgia, to cringe at embarrassing moments. Moving on also gives us the chance to create more memories. Is life nothing more than the creation of memories? Then it is worthless unless those deeds or words made an impact on people, and so the loop goes

It's lonely at the top, but at least you matter/mattered. Worthlessness is being at the bottom and alone. I don't want to be meaningless

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To fear the Lord is wisdom, to shun evil is understanding.

The Spirit of the Lord roams the Earth, searching for the ones who would seek His face

Whatever happens, conduct Yourself in a manner worthy of the Gospel of Christ

Being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will be faithful and complete it in the day of Christ Jesus

I want to believe, help me overcome my unbelief

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Chorus:
So close, I believe You're holding me now
In Your hands, I belong, You'll never let me go

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I enjoy these bouts of worthlessness. They humble me for short periods. I only wish that I could feel this lousy all the time, maybe then I'd truly become the better person that I strived to be

Happy Mime Day!

Today is be kind to mimes day

Because a mime is a terrible thing to waste

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Thought of the day:

The mind is a terrible thing to waste

God bless =)