My Worth

Today I was musing as I walked through Tekong, and realized I was rather jealous of a lot of things.

"Oh Lord, I wish I were greater at a lot of things. I wish I were richer, though I know I'm from a well-to-do family. I wish I were better looking, even though I'm not a sight for sore-eyes. I wish I could sing better, though I know I can hold a tune. I wish I were fitter, though I know there are people who are way worse off than I am. I wish I had more talents, though I know I have more than what some others have.

Lord, I'm just like my IQ, slightly above average, in every aspect of my life. And I desire so much to have more of these things. I want to be able to buy anything I want just because. I want to look so good that everyone will stop, stare, and drool. I want to sing so well it makes people cry at the beauty of it. I want to be so fit that I could physically do anything effortlessly. I wish I could do everything so that I will never feel worthless.

But I know that a God exists. I know You live. And therefore there is a Heaven to go to when I die, a place that lasts for eternity. All the money I own will burn. All my good looks will pale in comparison to the angels, let alone You. My voice will never ring out amongst the congregation. And all my fitness will amount to nothing.

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Lord, I've realized the things I've been so jealous of, the things I desire so much, have value only for as long as I'm alive on Earth. Once I'm dead, all my achievements would have amounted to nothing at all. So, Lord, teach me to desire the things eternal. Put into me a desire to grow and be empowered in areas that matter to You. My character, my faith, my self. Because, ultimately, these Earthly things I've stated: Money, Looks, Talents. All are simply tools I can USE to praise You and bring glory to You. Means and ways that You can work in me and to empower me in the areas that matter

These Earthly talents and blessings are mere vehicles for the true blessing, the real joy of righteousness and holiness, as I become more and more like Christ who dwells in me.

Show me that these Earthly talents, while nice to have, are not the end goal. Show me, O Lord, how Your servant can keep his eyes on the Master, and not his own tools. Because I'm like a carpenter, making a table for my Master. But if I admire the tools more than the table, I'm a fool. And if I admire the table more than my own Master, then I'm really... Stupid.

In the name of Jesus, Amen."

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To bring my focus upwards, and Christ-wards.... Here we go. God bless =)

Hummings and a Mark Twain Quote

If I could build an alter to my God

I'd kneel before it everyday

I'd lift my voice in praise and thanks

For the grace and love He grants each day

And for every blessing I can't see

I'd pray for those I care and love

Family, friends, and others in need

For if people believe idols will grant their hearts desire

What more of the Living God, our Holy Lord and King

The Spirit of the Father lives in me

I know that He will hear my every cry

My pains and joys He feels it all, never far if I call

All my days are written, my life is in His hands

I know the Father loves and cares for me

Why else would Jesus come to die for me

Undeserved grace, Indescribable mercy

How blessed am I to walk upon Your Earth

O Lord I'll give my life for You

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I randomly sung that. I need to have a portable guitar. And a portable notebook that records the chords I use. Otherwise, I'll never get around to finishing a single song.

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People who know me know that the last thing I am is shy. So here's an interesting problem. There's this girl I like, to which common sense tells me to avoid because... Frankly, it's a thing where I like the girl, but really I just can't seem to get myself moving to do anything about it. I don't look for her to talk to her, I don't sms or call her first, I just... Do my stuff. At the moment, I can't think of anything else I ought to be doing except worry about Army and focus on playing my games and perhaps think about what I'll do after Army

Of course, another way to look at it is:

"Better to be silent and thought a fool, than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt,"
- Mark Twain

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I totally told you guys that story just so I could use that Mark Twain quote. Anyways, relax, chillax, my mind is clear and my priorities straight. Today, Army. Sunday, Church. Afterwards, my interest. Not a single day shall I waste, I'll pursue my passions and learn what I wanna learn

God bless again!

Hmmm...

I think something a friend told me was pretty wise beyond her years. "I don't regret a single thing," she says, "My mistakes, my experiences, they've made me who I am today," It's kinda like the song written by Jason Mraz, and one of the lines go,

"I thank the Lord for the guys who kicked my ass when I was seventeen

They made me strong, they made me love who I am today,"

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For me it's always been about looking back for quite sometime. When I was in JC, I'd look back on my Sec Sch days, and when I'm in the Army I spend my time thinking about what a waste my JC life was... Well, the fact that I can acknowledge that I wasted my time there is in itself something worth keeping. It teaches me the value of time, of pursuing what you want, and possibly most importantly to be true to yourself, and be firm in what you say, having the discipline to follow through with promises and values.

So, for my class that really didn't care if I was around or not because of my indifferent attitude towards them, thank you, y'all have shown me human relationships are always important.

To my SFC that was with me even when I hated myself, y'all have shown me that it's possible to love the unlovable, and to show support for fellow siblings in Christ is not something to be scoffed at

To Oliver and Hilary, for trying their darn-ness to tell me to wake up, finally giving up on me, which really was the slap to the face.

And to all the wasted opportunities, those rejected and those simply skipped over, you've shown me that I ought to reach out and grab every chance to serve and to help, because it'll never come again. To give a 100%, even if you're bone-weary, you'll still leave satisfied knowing you couldn't have done it any better

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It's been a quiet time with my relationship with God. I simply pray, trust Him with my day, and nothing more happens. I'd like to go to church and just serve somewhere... Anywhere, frankly, just open a door and I'll jump through. I suppose the reason why I keep looking to serve in Music is because that's where I'm the most comfortable, but because of my doubts it was also where I was most afraid to serve.

Was. Until I realized that it's all about God, our service in itself is nothing, but the One whom we serve is everything.

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Y'know, when Hilary called it quits with me, I was completely devastated. Top that off with the fact that I was still not over Naomi, and I was a mess. Of course, Hilary left cos i wallowed in pity for myself for way too long, and long after that I continued to do so, until the Army slapped me awake

Anyways, one of the things that made me sad about Hilary was so childish I actually laughed at the silliness of it. See, you know all those movies and couples where the couple has known each other for like, years and years? Yeah, so Hilary was really the only girl I've known since I was thirteen, so I was like, "What do you mean we can't be friends? No friendship means we can't be together ever, and that means that happy-ending for the movie won't ever come true!!! NOOOO!!!!"

Uh huh. Yeap, I think in these lines. So then a lot of people wonder why we never got together. Why, even when put into situations where a hug or a kiss was so natural, we shook hands and banged heads. I think I was 15, sec 3, that we agreed that as much as we liked each other, we'd never ever get together, simply because we're too different. It made it fun for friendship, but we didn't think anything else would/could happen

So later on, if ever I had any funny thoughts about her, I'd just put them aside and save it for another time. It never seemed the right time to break the subject out. I mean, I wouldn't want her to start shunning me and avoiding me just because I approached her once and asked, "Hey, you ever think about getting together?" She was just so precious to me, I valued that friendship to bits. So... Having not acted on my impulses... I guess now we'll never know

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Acting on impulse. I always seem to do that act the wrong times, and always seem to hold back when I should be my crazy self. Such a waste. What is it that holds me back? Every teacher or adult I've met seems to think I'm rather intelligent, as if I can be someone influential and great, but I'm always just that far from how smart I have to be, how nice I have to be, how impulsive I have to be. Everything in halves, everything mediocre, that's my life, and...

Wouldn't it be a shame if I accept it?

Or would those that dislike me love for me to just hang my head like a dog and accept my fate?

Hmmm...

God bless!

P.S: Oh goodness, another depressing post. Am I never a happy soul? ... Nah, I just have no motivation to blog when I'm happy =P

Here I Am, Send Me

Spending time feeling unfulfilled, listless, clueless, and so very unsure about every and any thing.

I have a place in a Uni, so my future is more or less secured. All that needs to be corrected is my laid-back and lazy attitude, but day by day a confusing barrage of activities form a strange montage of puzzling pictures. I see myself kicking myself into doing things I'd normally pass off because I was lazy, but I also see myself slacking off in other areas where I really ought to get serious. I see myself mouthing off and talking when I don't have to, saying things I shouldn't, saying things that I'm better off not saying. Then I turn around and see myself silent when I should speak my mind, reserved when I ought to be outgoing as I normally am.

"Woe unto me, for I am a sinner,"
I feel like that. I feel utterly confused, frustrated, and hateful of Shane Goh, this immature brat whose attitude and thoughts seem to have stunted in growth since 13 years old, 7 years ago.

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"Enough talking about doing things. Go DO things,"

Yessir, but do WHAT? Army? The menial tasks I perform at present amount to me being the equivalent of a rather inefficient maid. Sure, given that I'm on lull, and looking at the incredibly packed schedule of the recruits who are coming in, I'll likely be earning my pay soon enough. So on that note, we shall see what can be done about the Army.

I've been toying with the idea for a while, but I'm currently looking for Tae Kwon Do classes that go on Sunday mornings, so that I can have my Saturdays free just in case the Army needs me, and hopefully my uninterrupted Sundays will get a decent filler. It's just as well I'm part of a church where service starts at 11am

Music... I've had this need to write music for so long, and I've been slamming my head against walls, until I realized that how I've always written songs was that I wrote entire paragraphs of phrases and words strung together in rhymes, then somehow I fit one of the many melodies I've come up with to them. So it's off we go back to the 'ol notebook and pen

Spiritual life... Ah... Now THIS is the one that's been getting me down...

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When I was 13 years old, I attended my first Youth Conference. I felt the presence of the Lord move the Earth, and so shaken was I by this tangible experience from God that it set me on fire to know more about Him, burning into my heart a passion to please Him and to live a life worthy of being called a "Son of God". However, I was both young AND stupid, and for 2 years amidst many blunders it was only by the grace of God that I pulled through and had a VERY forgiving friend slapping my face through it all (ironic) The last big slap was when she jumped over to Australia, and that's when I learnt that blessings were usually the things you took for granted, not the outstanding miracles.

When I was 15 years old, I told God, "I wanna learn how to play the guitar to worship You. It's all I wanna do with the guitar," And sometime after that, my dad bought me my first acoustic guitar, with 0.12mm thickness strings, ultra-high action, incredibly high tension, and on top of rusting quickly due to my sweaty palms, it could never stay in tune for more than one song. For 2 years I played my heart out on that lousy guitar, finding joy unspeakable in a worship so simple and primal it went deeper than any melody and cut sharper than any word could manage. At 16 I lead worship sessions, and later on in SAJC... Life got interesting

But at the end of the day it was always some incredibly moving thing that God did that sparked off a growth in me, some incredible, impossible to ignore sort of wake up sign that got me passionate to learn more about Him and to draw closer to Him. And of late, I feel distant from Him

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I read the Bible, I try to understand it's words and try to apply them to my life. I pray, I sing, but these activities all feel hollow. Even reading the Bible feels so academic. "Make me passionate, Lord!" I pray, "Give me that desire to seek You!" But in the end all this feels like my own effort, a desperate human struggle to touch the hem of the robes of the Rabbi, always just out of reach.

What is lacking? Action? Am I not doing/thinking/believing in something?

I have my illogical, unshakeable, and unreasonable faith that keeps me going:
God is real. The Gospel is true. The Bible is truth. God loves you, He's watching over You. He's caring about you.

But all this is KNOWLEDGE, and I just don't feel these facts as deeply as I did before. Could one argue that it is simply a familiarity with these facts that makes me feel as such? Then what more is there! There must be more than this!

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I confided my troubles to Grace Wan, and she went, "But God is always enough,"

Yes, but such a vague statement... What am I to make of it?

I need help. I need action. I need to move, or do I need to be still and meditate and wait upon the Lord?

But even as doubts cloud my mind, I pray that the Lord would keep my judgement sound as I strive to live my life to the best of my abilities, however miniscule they may be.

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I had this other thing to talk about... Which pertained to women/girls... But... I'm getting so sick of all that.

God bless y'all

Hannah, Talking, Bubble Tea. BUBBLE TEA!!!

I need to learn to can it. Seriously. Shall I elaborate? Well, yeah, duh, that's kinda like the whole point I started this anyways.

Today I chilled out with Hannah, drinking bubble tea and doing things that normal people do when they meet up for stuff: Talking. What really scared me was the fact that there were instances where I just went on and on... Which is really one of my traits, I tend to talk, a lot. Oh sure, there were parts where she spoke up, and gladly I listened! After all, I met up with her to hear about her life and hear what she has to say and what she thinks and feels and...

I think I pretty much dominated most of the conversation.

So the problem isn't that I don't listen, but that the other person doesn't even get a chance to speak at all. Problem? Indeed, and it's not just her, it's basically anyone I talk to, unless that person happens to be like, super forceful of his/her own, and can literally force me back and be forced back by me. That makes for rather dynamic and equilibrium-ish conversation, no?

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Still, today was awesome, always feels great hanging out with her, always feels great hanging out, full-stop!

Operation on 23rd March. O Lord, be with me
University stuff sent in, I'm shaking and super scared that I won't make it in. O Lord, be with me.

Goodness, aren't I the hypocrite, running back to God when I need help, then happily abandoning Him when all's well. It's pathetic really, and I hate myself for it. Hate hate hate hate hate...

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I'm self-loathing, but ironically it makes me self-absorbed. Stupid, I'm too stupid to even pull myself out of my own stupidity in spite of being aware. Lol

God bless y'all!

Regrets of Junior College Life (JC Life)

I suppose it's too late to try again. It's ridiculous how life doesn't have a "Restart" option, or that it doesn't auto-save for you and allows you to go back to before you screwed your life up, or at least, go back to a point where you really REALLY wanna take back a bunch of choices you made.


It was in the immaturity of my youth that I believed I was mature enough to handle a relationship when I clearly wasn't ready for it. By choosing to value my girlfriend, rather than my friends, by choosing to value time with her, rather than time with my work, I managed to warp my values and who I was. Even after we broke up, I continued to wallow in self-pity (sometimes I think I still do. Yeah, I probably still do) and everything revolved around her. Which, of course, led me to monumentally screw my studies over, and then my relationships in school. Mercifully, I still have friends, but sometimes I wonder if anything would have been different, and if so, would it have been better?


Mind you, I'm not blaming my ex-girlfriend for my problems, far from it, I take full responsibility for every damned mistake I make because that's what you do when you screw up. I chose to make her all that to me, I chose to screw myself, and now I just find myself wondering if I hadn't decided to...


I might have been closer to my class of 08S08, a wonderful group of people who I truly regret not ever linking up with, and always kinda had to observe from afar. I guess our relationship was bad from the start since I had my mind elsewhere, and I always had this "Screw the world, I've got all I need," attitude of arrogance than of humility. I gave up one of the best friends I've made, Oliver, who rather felt his life was better off if he didn't have to deal with my crap on his turf. In all fairness I don't blame him, in fact, looking back and knowing who I was before, I probably would've done the same thing... Maybe.


Hilary... Goodness, I don't know what to believe anymore. People have said she talks crap about me behind my back, my dad and sis verify it, and it's just something I'm not willing to believe. Someone I would've trusted my life with turns out to be someone who might've really just been bitching about me the whole time? Unbelievable. Really. I can't believe it. And fuck, I WILL NOT believe it! I will put my faith in her, or I'll gladly die an idiot with a knife to my back if she really does back-stab me

Sometimes with friends, you have to take a leap of faith. Either land in milk and honey, or splatter all over the canyon floor. That's the risk, but I think it's worth it

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Maybe if I hadn't chosen to be such an arrogant prick, I would've been on better terms with my classmates, who are all really great people.
If I had been more humble, and had a better attitude, I might've even gotten help from them when I was struggling.


Maybe if I hadn't misplaced my priorities, girlfriend (pleasure) over work (livelihood), I would've scored so much better, and never have had to struggle in the first place.
If I had my priorities straight... 'nuff said....


Maybe if I hadn't chosen my girlfriend over my friends every single time, I'd have shown myself to be a more dependable person, and become a stronger man for it. I'd probably still have Oliver, Hilary, maybe even Christine/Leonie/Fang Yu as friends. Hell, I might've even gotten along with Chee Hao, who knows.
If I had sorted out whwat was truly important all along...

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Then again, maybe it's a blessing? Do true friends really ever abandon their friends, even when they're hopeless dicks?


... Seriously, is that the only bloody thing that could've been a fucking "BLESSING" out of all this shit?!

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Alas, there is no "Restart" button. There's no checkpoint. There's only the present, and the consequences of all our actions that await us are our inevitable future.


God bless

6 Weeks Of No Blogging

Terrifying, when was the last time I was so silent on my blog?

3 weeks in Taiwan
2 weeks confined in camp
1 week... I dunno why
And finally now, after days of putting it off, I'm here to type a short blog post as an intro to more posts that are to come.

What have I been doing with my free-time?
- Kingdom Hearts Role-playing site
- Facebook
- Surfing YouTube
- Playing Assassin's Creed 2
- Going out for the fun of it
- Watching "Chronicles of Narnia" and "Tron" (both AWESOME movies, btw)
- And other things...

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I wrote tons of things while I was in Taiwan...

- Reflections on life, sex, relationships, the futility of achievements, etc
- Places I must go to
- Things I have to do in Singapore
- Food I must eat in Singapore

And when I got back...
- The ridiculous story of my 7-day Suspension of Leave (SOL), which I can't actually publicize because it's kinda classified... So I'll tell it to friends in confidence bah =)

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And so, with this teaser trailer for the stuff that's to come, I bid you, the reader of this blog, see ya later, because I'm off to write a reply mail to a pen pal I have in the Philippines, and her name's Gabrielle Megan, in case you weren't wondering =)

God bless, and I'll see ya soon!

p.s: YEEEESSS!!!! POSTED TO PULAU TEKONG!!!! So, it means my weekends are more or less predictable, but my weekdays are burned... But if I get a laptop in camp...? Ah, the possibilities... =) God bless once more!