Exhaustion

Closing my eyes for more than a few minutes automatically throws me into sleep. I think I've really been pushing it a little too far...

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The other day, I had a memory of this girl from my Primary 1 class in Charlton Primary School. Her name was Sophia, and she was transferring schools. When she was leaving the class, I followed her out, but I can't remember why. I think her mom was in class speaking to the teacher and she was just outside hanging around, waiting for her mom. We saw a lot of classroom activity and we both kinda just laughed at everyone.

"It's kinda weird how they always say, 'I friend you' or 'I don't friend you', but in the end it never matters, huh?" I laugh.

"Well, they're kids, and so are we, it's how we are, what's to do about it?" she giggled in agreement.

"So, why's your name Sophia? I mean, it's nice, but shouldn't it be spelt 'Sofia'? What's with the 'ph'?"

"You dumb dumb! 'Ph' is pronounced as 'F' what! That's just how it is!"

"Well, I think it would've been funnier if you were called 'Sopia',"

"Tsk..."

"I'm gonna miss you. I think we're all gonna miss you," I can't remember what she looks like now.

"I'll miss you too, Shane, probably the most," We've never met since that day.

Kekeke... What a cute conversation between 7-year-olds.

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First time I held a girl's hand was in class. Sitting next to each other facing the blackboard, our hands just kinda fell over each other and we just sat there, hand in ahnd, smiling at one another. Adorable huh? Her name's Wing Lum, and I think it'd be really cool if I could see her again. I wonder what she'll think of me, if she can even remember me at all.

First time I ever got into a fight... Well, there were lots, but they were all really fun stuff.

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I can't really think of anything to blog about, and yet here I am, typing stuff out. It's dangerous I suppose, cos it's like what my dad sezz, "If you ain't got anything good/productive/important to say, shut up,"

But this blog was created to not only pen down my thoughts, but to keep a record of events and lessons so that re-reading them will be a refresher... Sigh...

Well, other than a very soggy river crossing, nothing interesting happened... Gonna go take a nap now. The Army never allows for sleep, only naps, awesome, right?

I HATE THE BLOODY ARMY DAMN IT

God bless y'all, do enjoy the life you're living now =)

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EDIT:
Re-reading my old blog posts, then I went on to her old blog to re-read some of her own. How... Romantic we were. How naive, how... Blind. I was so stupid, so many things could've been done better... In the end, by opening up my heart to her so completely, by throwing my life away so thoroughly and giving it to her, I doomed her, because she in turn shared everything with me as well. Thus, when the time came to break the bond, the suffering was horrible for us both, but I somehow had the support to pull through

She didn't

Such an irresponsible thing... Such a stupid thing... Idiot, Shane, every last bit of suffering you go through is penance to what she's gone through. The running away, the stealing, the crap she put herself through while she was away, the fact that she switches boyfriends non-stop, the fact that now she's in a moral free-fall, the fact that she's apparently lost all sense of worth and all self-control

All Shane's fault. All his fault. All my fault. Every last bit of it.
"Don't be so arrogant, Shane," my dad scoffed once, "You weren't that important to her. So many factors have been in place for so long, you were simply a trigger, the first domino. In the end, everything else, her environment, her friends, her past, every choice she ever made, that's what drove her to make her decisions,"

I wasn't that important to her?
What's in that letter she wrote to me? Am I still of any significance to her?
Does she know how I feel? Does she pity, sympathize, or scoff at me? Is she laughing at me or crying with me? Or does she plain not care anymore?

O Lord, all things happen to Your glory, and I wouldn't have gone on my spiritual quest if not for the things of my past. I would not be wiser if it had not been for the pitfalls in my life, and I would not be stronger if not for the pain. There's no going back anymore, I know that, Lord. But Abba, when I do get to Heaven, would You humour me?

Would You show me what would've happened if I had decided...
To never let the dream end?