Re-reading, Faith

Reading her blog is frightening to my soul. I feel so much care and love, so much passion in her words, everything she says she means, and all that power is flying about without foundation or direction. It's no wonder that she deviated from the lovely path she was on, too many factors shoved her in the wrong direction. Family, friends, circumstance, low self-esteem born out of being the center of attention always, inexplicable flaws that she believes so deeply are beyond redemption or beyond repair...

Still I'll pray, the Lord can set her soul and spirit right. But even if He does not, He loves her so, greater than I, greater than her own parents, and all He allows to come to pass upon her life shall be as fires to iron.

Getting over someone's weird. I still have such strong feelings for her in my heart, but they no longer feel chaotic and uncontrolled, now there's a sense of a settled peace and a calm joy. I no longer have this stretched need, the only ache is loneliness, not... This... What on EARTH is this?

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It's been so long since I've seen a live performance of that incredible calibre. Watching Planetshakers perform "Beautiful Saviour" is moving my heart so immensely. Club Moriah and their passion for God is incredible. Hillsongs and Planetshakers with their talent and heart are inspiring. COR, Hope Sanctuary... People who truly ask that the Lord move their hearts before He moves the mountains in their lives, amazing faith, incredible grace. I picked up the guitar 4 years ago specifically to worship the Lord in a brand new way, and it has brought me many lessons and has been an incredible source of inspiration for me. But now, this instrument I hold in my hands... I think I've lost sight of the goal

I wonder where that passion has gone in my life, wonder why I'm so stoned of late. I have nothing better to do in camp, but I wind up circling around Facebook and manga, all of which I completed and now eagerly anticipate updates for...

I just don't feel like doing much, don't feel like doing anything. At all. My thoughts are oscillating between hating the Army and grudging acceptance. Most of the time loneliness bites at my heart, other times boredom floods my heart. Weariness coats all these negative emotions in a cloak of despair, and I wish I had something I could look forward to, something to do, anything at all. I have no inspirations for songs nor stories (though I've come up with a few interesting tunes/lyrics)...

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I've always been saying in my heart from day 1 I stepped into Newton Life Church, "Man, look at how they're worshipping! Club Moriah, His Arrow Church, Hope Sanctuary... So many churches have 'better' worship sessions than these!"

"Hey, what if I was on the worship team? Or even a worship leader! Man, I'd take these guys up to that level!"

Arrogant, ego-filled statements from a heart that had yet to know pain and suffering, and the grace and tender mercies of the Lord. Having an incredible experience in my JC life has re-defined so many things... The way I view relationships, God, religion, friends, family... And it has allowed me to see that it was never about "levels", but about preferences.

"You go where you grow," was a philosophy that I wanted to adopt when choosing a church. But now I'm looking at the Purpose Driven Life lessons and my own personal development... Shouldn't the correct philopphy be "You go where you can give"? Bcause life's about giving, and I'm only just now starting to get it... WHEN I'M SERVING IN THE ARMY WITH BARELY ENOUGH TIME TO CUT MY TOE-NAILS!!!

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Listening to Christian songs again is a refresher...

I hope to see her again. Maybe I should ask Persis for that letter after all?

We are called to be wise. O Lord, make me wise, please. Amen.

God bless y'all! =)