I suppose it's too late to try again. It's ridiculous how life doesn't have a "Restart" option, or that it doesn't auto-save for you and allows you to go back to before you screwed your life up, or at least, go back to a point where you really REALLY wanna take back a bunch of choices you made.
It was in the immaturity of my youth that I believed I was mature enough to handle a relationship when I clearly wasn't ready for it. By choosing to value my girlfriend, rather than my friends, by choosing to value time with her, rather than time with my work, I managed to warp my values and who I was. Even after we broke up, I continued to wallow in self-pity (sometimes I think I still do. Yeah, I probably still do) and everything revolved around her. Which, of course, led me to monumentally screw my studies over, and then my relationships in school. Mercifully, I still have friends, but sometimes I wonder if anything would have been different, and if so, would it have been better?
Mind you, I'm not blaming my ex-girlfriend for my problems, far from it, I take full responsibility for every damned mistake I make because that's what you do when you screw up. I chose to make her all that to me, I chose to screw myself, and now I just find myself wondering if I hadn't decided to...
I might have been closer to my class of 08S08, a wonderful group of people who I truly regret not ever linking up with, and always kinda had to observe from afar. I guess our relationship was bad from the start since I had my mind elsewhere, and I always had this "Screw the world, I've got all I need," attitude of arrogance than of humility. I gave up one of the best friends I've made, Oliver, who rather felt his life was better off if he didn't have to deal with my crap on his turf. In all fairness I don't blame him, in fact, looking back and knowing who I was before, I probably would've done the same thing... Maybe.
Hilary... Goodness, I don't know what to believe anymore. People have said she talks crap about me behind my back, my dad and sis verify it, and it's just something I'm not willing to believe. Someone I would've trusted my life with turns out to be someone who might've really just been bitching about me the whole time? Unbelievable. Really. I can't believe it. And fuck, I WILL NOT believe it! I will put my faith in her, or I'll gladly die an idiot with a knife to my back if she really does back-stab me
Sometimes with friends, you have to take a leap of faith. Either land in milk and honey, or splatter all over the canyon floor. That's the risk, but I think it's worth it
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Maybe if I hadn't chosen to be such an arrogant prick, I would've been on better terms with my classmates, who are all really great people.
If I had been more humble, and had a better attitude, I might've even gotten help from them when I was struggling.
Maybe if I hadn't misplaced my priorities, girlfriend (pleasure) over work (livelihood), I would've scored so much better, and never have had to struggle in the first place.
If I had my priorities straight... 'nuff said....
Maybe if I hadn't chosen my girlfriend over my friends every single time, I'd have shown myself to be a more dependable person, and become a stronger man for it. I'd probably still have Oliver, Hilary, maybe even Christine/Leonie/Fang Yu as friends. Hell, I might've even gotten along with Chee Hao, who knows.
If I had sorted out whwat was truly important all along...
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Then again, maybe it's a blessing? Do true friends really ever abandon their friends, even when they're hopeless dicks?
... Seriously, is that the only bloody thing that could've been a fucking "BLESSING" out of all this shit?!
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Alas, there is no "Restart" button. There's no checkpoint. There's only the present, and the consequences of all our actions that await us are our inevitable future.
God bless
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