Here I Am, Send Me

Spending time feeling unfulfilled, listless, clueless, and so very unsure about every and any thing.

I have a place in a Uni, so my future is more or less secured. All that needs to be corrected is my laid-back and lazy attitude, but day by day a confusing barrage of activities form a strange montage of puzzling pictures. I see myself kicking myself into doing things I'd normally pass off because I was lazy, but I also see myself slacking off in other areas where I really ought to get serious. I see myself mouthing off and talking when I don't have to, saying things I shouldn't, saying things that I'm better off not saying. Then I turn around and see myself silent when I should speak my mind, reserved when I ought to be outgoing as I normally am.

"Woe unto me, for I am a sinner,"
I feel like that. I feel utterly confused, frustrated, and hateful of Shane Goh, this immature brat whose attitude and thoughts seem to have stunted in growth since 13 years old, 7 years ago.

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"Enough talking about doing things. Go DO things,"

Yessir, but do WHAT? Army? The menial tasks I perform at present amount to me being the equivalent of a rather inefficient maid. Sure, given that I'm on lull, and looking at the incredibly packed schedule of the recruits who are coming in, I'll likely be earning my pay soon enough. So on that note, we shall see what can be done about the Army.

I've been toying with the idea for a while, but I'm currently looking for Tae Kwon Do classes that go on Sunday mornings, so that I can have my Saturdays free just in case the Army needs me, and hopefully my uninterrupted Sundays will get a decent filler. It's just as well I'm part of a church where service starts at 11am

Music... I've had this need to write music for so long, and I've been slamming my head against walls, until I realized that how I've always written songs was that I wrote entire paragraphs of phrases and words strung together in rhymes, then somehow I fit one of the many melodies I've come up with to them. So it's off we go back to the 'ol notebook and pen

Spiritual life... Ah... Now THIS is the one that's been getting me down...

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When I was 13 years old, I attended my first Youth Conference. I felt the presence of the Lord move the Earth, and so shaken was I by this tangible experience from God that it set me on fire to know more about Him, burning into my heart a passion to please Him and to live a life worthy of being called a "Son of God". However, I was both young AND stupid, and for 2 years amidst many blunders it was only by the grace of God that I pulled through and had a VERY forgiving friend slapping my face through it all (ironic) The last big slap was when she jumped over to Australia, and that's when I learnt that blessings were usually the things you took for granted, not the outstanding miracles.

When I was 15 years old, I told God, "I wanna learn how to play the guitar to worship You. It's all I wanna do with the guitar," And sometime after that, my dad bought me my first acoustic guitar, with 0.12mm thickness strings, ultra-high action, incredibly high tension, and on top of rusting quickly due to my sweaty palms, it could never stay in tune for more than one song. For 2 years I played my heart out on that lousy guitar, finding joy unspeakable in a worship so simple and primal it went deeper than any melody and cut sharper than any word could manage. At 16 I lead worship sessions, and later on in SAJC... Life got interesting

But at the end of the day it was always some incredibly moving thing that God did that sparked off a growth in me, some incredible, impossible to ignore sort of wake up sign that got me passionate to learn more about Him and to draw closer to Him. And of late, I feel distant from Him

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I read the Bible, I try to understand it's words and try to apply them to my life. I pray, I sing, but these activities all feel hollow. Even reading the Bible feels so academic. "Make me passionate, Lord!" I pray, "Give me that desire to seek You!" But in the end all this feels like my own effort, a desperate human struggle to touch the hem of the robes of the Rabbi, always just out of reach.

What is lacking? Action? Am I not doing/thinking/believing in something?

I have my illogical, unshakeable, and unreasonable faith that keeps me going:
God is real. The Gospel is true. The Bible is truth. God loves you, He's watching over You. He's caring about you.

But all this is KNOWLEDGE, and I just don't feel these facts as deeply as I did before. Could one argue that it is simply a familiarity with these facts that makes me feel as such? Then what more is there! There must be more than this!

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I confided my troubles to Grace Wan, and she went, "But God is always enough,"

Yes, but such a vague statement... What am I to make of it?

I need help. I need action. I need to move, or do I need to be still and meditate and wait upon the Lord?

But even as doubts cloud my mind, I pray that the Lord would keep my judgement sound as I strive to live my life to the best of my abilities, however miniscule they may be.

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I had this other thing to talk about... Which pertained to women/girls... But... I'm getting so sick of all that.

God bless y'all