Hmmm...

I think something a friend told me was pretty wise beyond her years. "I don't regret a single thing," she says, "My mistakes, my experiences, they've made me who I am today," It's kinda like the song written by Jason Mraz, and one of the lines go,

"I thank the Lord for the guys who kicked my ass when I was seventeen

They made me strong, they made me love who I am today,"

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For me it's always been about looking back for quite sometime. When I was in JC, I'd look back on my Sec Sch days, and when I'm in the Army I spend my time thinking about what a waste my JC life was... Well, the fact that I can acknowledge that I wasted my time there is in itself something worth keeping. It teaches me the value of time, of pursuing what you want, and possibly most importantly to be true to yourself, and be firm in what you say, having the discipline to follow through with promises and values.

So, for my class that really didn't care if I was around or not because of my indifferent attitude towards them, thank you, y'all have shown me human relationships are always important.

To my SFC that was with me even when I hated myself, y'all have shown me that it's possible to love the unlovable, and to show support for fellow siblings in Christ is not something to be scoffed at

To Oliver and Hilary, for trying their darn-ness to tell me to wake up, finally giving up on me, which really was the slap to the face.

And to all the wasted opportunities, those rejected and those simply skipped over, you've shown me that I ought to reach out and grab every chance to serve and to help, because it'll never come again. To give a 100%, even if you're bone-weary, you'll still leave satisfied knowing you couldn't have done it any better

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It's been a quiet time with my relationship with God. I simply pray, trust Him with my day, and nothing more happens. I'd like to go to church and just serve somewhere... Anywhere, frankly, just open a door and I'll jump through. I suppose the reason why I keep looking to serve in Music is because that's where I'm the most comfortable, but because of my doubts it was also where I was most afraid to serve.

Was. Until I realized that it's all about God, our service in itself is nothing, but the One whom we serve is everything.

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Y'know, when Hilary called it quits with me, I was completely devastated. Top that off with the fact that I was still not over Naomi, and I was a mess. Of course, Hilary left cos i wallowed in pity for myself for way too long, and long after that I continued to do so, until the Army slapped me awake

Anyways, one of the things that made me sad about Hilary was so childish I actually laughed at the silliness of it. See, you know all those movies and couples where the couple has known each other for like, years and years? Yeah, so Hilary was really the only girl I've known since I was thirteen, so I was like, "What do you mean we can't be friends? No friendship means we can't be together ever, and that means that happy-ending for the movie won't ever come true!!! NOOOO!!!!"

Uh huh. Yeap, I think in these lines. So then a lot of people wonder why we never got together. Why, even when put into situations where a hug or a kiss was so natural, we shook hands and banged heads. I think I was 15, sec 3, that we agreed that as much as we liked each other, we'd never ever get together, simply because we're too different. It made it fun for friendship, but we didn't think anything else would/could happen

So later on, if ever I had any funny thoughts about her, I'd just put them aside and save it for another time. It never seemed the right time to break the subject out. I mean, I wouldn't want her to start shunning me and avoiding me just because I approached her once and asked, "Hey, you ever think about getting together?" She was just so precious to me, I valued that friendship to bits. So... Having not acted on my impulses... I guess now we'll never know

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Acting on impulse. I always seem to do that act the wrong times, and always seem to hold back when I should be my crazy self. Such a waste. What is it that holds me back? Every teacher or adult I've met seems to think I'm rather intelligent, as if I can be someone influential and great, but I'm always just that far from how smart I have to be, how nice I have to be, how impulsive I have to be. Everything in halves, everything mediocre, that's my life, and...

Wouldn't it be a shame if I accept it?

Or would those that dislike me love for me to just hang my head like a dog and accept my fate?

Hmmm...

God bless!

P.S: Oh goodness, another depressing post. Am I never a happy soul? ... Nah, I just have no motivation to blog when I'm happy =P