Time to Soar

My Worth

2011-08-27T01:04:00.002+08:00

Today I was musing as I walked through Tekong, and realized I was rather jealous of a lot of things.

"Oh Lord, I wish I were greater at a lot of things. I wish I were richer, though I know I'm from a well-to-do family. I wish I were better looking, even though I'm not a sight for sore-eyes. I wish I could sing better, though I know I can hold a tune. I wish I were fitter, though I know there are people who are way worse off than I am. I wish I had more talents, though I know I have more than what some others have.

Lord, I'm just like my IQ, slightly above average, in every aspect of my life. And I desire so much to have more of these things. I want to be able to buy anything I want just because. I want to look so good that everyone will stop, stare, and drool. I want to sing so well it makes people cry at the beauty of it. I want to be so fit that I could physically do anything effortlessly. I wish I could do everything so that I will never feel worthless.

But I know that a God exists. I know You live. And therefore there is a Heaven to go to when I die, a place that lasts for eternity. All the money I own will burn. All my good looks will pale in comparison to the angels, let alone You. My voice will never ring out amongst the congregation. And all my fitness will amount to nothing.

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Lord, I've realized the things I've been so jealous of, the things I desire so much, have value only for as long as I'm alive on Earth. Once I'm dead, all my achievements would have amounted to nothing at all. So, Lord, teach me to desire the things eternal. Put into me a desire to grow and be empowered in areas that matter to You. My character, my faith, my self. Because, ultimately, these Earthly things I've stated: Money, Looks, Talents. All are simply tools I can USE to praise You and bring glory to You. Means and ways that You can work in me and to empower me in the areas that matter

These Earthly talents and blessings are mere vehicles for the true blessing, the real joy of righteousness and holiness, as I become more and more like Christ who dwells in me.

Show me that these Earthly talents, while nice to have, are not the end goal. Show me, O Lord, how Your servant can keep his eyes on the Master, and not his own tools. Because I'm like a carpenter, making a table for my Master. But if I admire the tools more than the table, I'm a fool. And if I admire the table more than my own Master, then I'm really... Stupid.

In the name of Jesus, Amen."

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To bring my focus upwards, and Christ-wards.... Here we go. God bless =)

Hummings and a Mark Twain Quote

2011-08-11T01:05:00.002+08:00

If I could build an alter to my God

I'd kneel before it everyday

I'd lift my voice in praise and thanks

For the grace and love He grants each day

And for every blessing I can't see

I'd pray for those I care and love

Family, friends, and others in need

For if people believe idols will grant their hearts desire

What more of the Living God, our Holy Lord and King

The Spirit of the Father lives in me

I know that He will hear my every cry

My pains and joys He feels it all, never far if I call

All my days are written, my life is in His hands

I know the Father loves and cares for me

Why else would Jesus come to die for me

Undeserved grace, Indescribable mercy

How blessed am I to walk upon Your Earth

O Lord I'll give my life for You

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I randomly sung that. I need to have a portable guitar. And a portable notebook that records the chords I use. Otherwise, I'll never get around to finishing a single song.

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People who know me know that the last thing I am is shy. So here's an interesting problem. There's this girl I like, to which common sense tells me to avoid because... Frankly, it's a thing where I like the girl, but really I just can't seem to get myself moving to do anything about it. I don't look for her to talk to her, I don't sms or call her first, I just... Do my stuff. At the moment, I can't think of anything else I ought to be doing except worry about Army and focus on playing my games and perhaps think about what I'll do after Army

Of course, another way to look at it is:

"Better to be silent and thought a fool, than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt,"
- Mark Twain

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I totally told you guys that story just so I could use that Mark Twain quote. Anyways, relax, chillax, my mind is clear and my priorities straight. Today, Army. Sunday, Church. Afterwards, my interest. Not a single day shall I waste, I'll pursue my passions and learn what I wanna learn

God bless again!

Hmmm...

2011-08-09T23:50:00.002+08:00

I think something a friend told me was pretty wise beyond her years. "I don't regret a single thing," she says, "My mistakes, my experiences, they've made me who I am today," It's kinda like the song written by Jason Mraz, and one of the lines go,

"I thank the Lord for the guys who kicked my ass when I was seventeen

They made me strong, they made me love who I am today,"

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For me it's always been about looking back for quite sometime. When I was in JC, I'd look back on my Sec Sch days, and when I'm in the Army I spend my time thinking about what a waste my JC life was... Well, the fact that I can acknowledge that I wasted my time there is in itself something worth keeping. It teaches me the value of time, of pursuing what you want, and possibly most importantly to be true to yourself, and be firm in what you say, having the discipline to follow through with promises and values.

So, for my class that really didn't care if I was around or not because of my indifferent attitude towards them, thank you, y'all have shown me human relationships are always important.

To my SFC that was with me even when I hated myself, y'all have shown me that it's possible to love the unlovable, and to show support for fellow siblings in Christ is not something to be scoffed at

To Oliver and Hilary, for trying their darn-ness to tell me to wake up, finally giving up on me, which really was the slap to the face.

And to all the wasted opportunities, those rejected and those simply skipped over, you've shown me that I ought to reach out and grab every chance to serve and to help, because it'll never come again. To give a 100%, even if you're bone-weary, you'll still leave satisfied knowing you couldn't have done it any better

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It's been a quiet time with my relationship with God. I simply pray, trust Him with my day, and nothing more happens. I'd like to go to church and just serve somewhere... Anywhere, frankly, just open a door and I'll jump through. I suppose the reason why I keep looking to serve in Music is because that's where I'm the most comfortable, but because of my doubts it was also where I was most afraid to serve.

Was. Until I realized that it's all about God, our service in itself is nothing, but the One whom we serve is everything.

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Y'know, when Hilary called it quits with me, I was completely devastated. Top that off with the fact that I was still not over Naomi, and I was a mess. Of course, Hilary left cos i wallowed in pity for myself for way too long, and long after that I continued to do so, until the Army slapped me awake

Anyways, one of the things that made me sad about Hilary was so childish I actually laughed at the silliness of it. See, you know all those movies and couples where the couple has known each other for like, years and years? Yeah, so Hilary was really the only girl I've known since I was thirteen, so I was like, "What do you mean we can't be friends? No friendship means we can't be together ever, and that means that happy-ending for the movie won't ever come true!!! NOOOO!!!!"

Uh huh. Yeap, I think in these lines. So then a lot of people wonder why we never got together. Why, even when put into situations where a hug or a kiss was so natural, we shook hands and banged heads. I think I was 15, sec 3, that we agreed that as much as we liked each other, we'd never ever get together, simply because we're too different. It made it fun for friendship, but we didn't think anything else would/could happen

So later on, if ever I had any funny thoughts about her, I'd just put them aside and save it for another time. It never seemed the right time to break the subject out. I mean, I wouldn't want her to start shunning me and avoiding me just because I approached her once and asked, "Hey, you ever think about getting together?" She was just so precious to me, I valued that friendship to bits. So... Having not acted on my impulses... I guess now we'll never know

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Acting on impulse. I always seem to do that act the wrong times, and always seem to hold back when I should be my crazy self. Such a waste. What is it that holds me back? Every teacher or adult I've met seems to think I'm rather intelligent, as if I can be someone influential and great, but I'm always just that far from how smart I have to be, how nice I have to be, how impulsive I have to be. Everything in halves, everything mediocre, that's my life, and...

Wouldn't it be a shame if I accept it?

Or would those that dislike me love for me to just hang my head like a dog and accept my fate?

Hmmm...

God bless!

P.S: Oh goodness, another depressing post. Am I never a happy soul? ... Nah, I just have no motivation to blog when I'm happy =P

Here I Am, Send Me

2011-04-28T00:41:00.002+08:00

Spending time feeling unfulfilled, listless, clueless, and so very unsure about every and any thing.

I have a place in a Uni, so my future is more or less secured. All that needs to be corrected is my laid-back and lazy attitude, but day by day a confusing barrage of activities form a strange montage of puzzling pictures. I see myself kicking myself into doing things I'd normally pass off because I was lazy, but I also see myself slacking off in other areas where I really ought to get serious. I see myself mouthing off and talking when I don't have to, saying things I shouldn't, saying things that I'm better off not saying. Then I turn around and see myself silent when I should speak my mind, reserved when I ought to be outgoing as I normally am.

"Woe unto me, for I am a sinner,"
I feel like that. I feel utterly confused, frustrated, and hateful of Shane Goh, this immature brat whose attitude and thoughts seem to have stunted in growth since 13 years old, 7 years ago.

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"Enough talking about doing things. Go DO things,"

Yessir, but do WHAT? Army? The menial tasks I perform at present amount to me being the equivalent of a rather inefficient maid. Sure, given that I'm on lull, and looking at the incredibly packed schedule of the recruits who are coming in, I'll likely be earning my pay soon enough. So on that note, we shall see what can be done about the Army.

I've been toying with the idea for a while, but I'm currently looking for Tae Kwon Do classes that go on Sunday mornings, so that I can have my Saturdays free just in case the Army needs me, and hopefully my uninterrupted Sundays will get a decent filler. It's just as well I'm part of a church where service starts at 11am

Music... I've had this need to write music for so long, and I've been slamming my head against walls, until I realized that how I've always written songs was that I wrote entire paragraphs of phrases and words strung together in rhymes, then somehow I fit one of the many melodies I've come up with to them. So it's off we go back to the 'ol notebook and pen

Spiritual life... Ah... Now THIS is the one that's been getting me down...

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When I was 13 years old, I attended my first Youth Conference. I felt the presence of the Lord move the Earth, and so shaken was I by this tangible experience from God that it set me on fire to know more about Him, burning into my heart a passion to please Him and to live a life worthy of being called a "Son of God". However, I was both young AND stupid, and for 2 years amidst many blunders it was only by the grace of God that I pulled through and had a VERY forgiving friend slapping my face through it all (ironic) The last big slap was when she jumped over to Australia, and that's when I learnt that blessings were usually the things you took for granted, not the outstanding miracles.

When I was 15 years old, I told God, "I wanna learn how to play the guitar to worship You. It's all I wanna do with the guitar," And sometime after that, my dad bought me my first acoustic guitar, with 0.12mm thickness strings, ultra-high action, incredibly high tension, and on top of rusting quickly due to my sweaty palms, it could never stay in tune for more than one song. For 2 years I played my heart out on that lousy guitar, finding joy unspeakable in a worship so simple and primal it went deeper than any melody and cut sharper than any word could manage. At 16 I lead worship sessions, and later on in SAJC... Life got interesting

But at the end of the day it was always some incredibly moving thing that God did that sparked off a growth in me, some incredible, impossible to ignore sort of wake up sign that got me passionate to learn more about Him and to draw closer to Him. And of late, I feel distant from Him

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I read the Bible, I try to understand it's words and try to apply them to my life. I pray, I sing, but these activities all feel hollow. Even reading the Bible feels so academic. "Make me passionate, Lord!" I pray, "Give me that desire to seek You!" But in the end all this feels like my own effort, a desperate human struggle to touch the hem of the robes of the Rabbi, always just out of reach.

What is lacking? Action? Am I not doing/thinking/believing in something?

I have my illogical, unshakeable, and unreasonable faith that keeps me going:
God is real. The Gospel is true. The Bible is truth. God loves you, He's watching over You. He's caring about you.

But all this is KNOWLEDGE, and I just don't feel these facts as deeply as I did before. Could one argue that it is simply a familiarity with these facts that makes me feel as such? Then what more is there! There must be more than this!

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I confided my troubles to Grace Wan, and she went, "But God is always enough,"

Yes, but such a vague statement... What am I to make of it?

I need help. I need action. I need to move, or do I need to be still and meditate and wait upon the Lord?

But even as doubts cloud my mind, I pray that the Lord would keep my judgement sound as I strive to live my life to the best of my abilities, however miniscule they may be.

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I had this other thing to talk about... Which pertained to women/girls... But... I'm getting so sick of all that.

God bless y'all

Hannah, Talking, Bubble Tea. BUBBLE TEA!!!

2011-03-22T00:23:00.002+08:00

I need to learn to can it. Seriously. Shall I elaborate? Well, yeah, duh, that's kinda like the whole point I started this anyways.

Today I chilled out with Hannah, drinking bubble tea and doing things that normal people do when they meet up for stuff: Talking. What really scared me was the fact that there were instances where I just went on and on... Which is really one of my traits, I tend to talk, a lot. Oh sure, there were parts where she spoke up, and gladly I listened! After all, I met up with her to hear about her life and hear what she has to say and what she thinks and feels and...

I think I pretty much dominated most of the conversation.

So the problem isn't that I don't listen, but that the other person doesn't even get a chance to speak at all. Problem? Indeed, and it's not just her, it's basically anyone I talk to, unless that person happens to be like, super forceful of his/her own, and can literally force me back and be forced back by me. That makes for rather dynamic and equilibrium-ish conversation, no?

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Still, today was awesome, always feels great hanging out with her, always feels great hanging out, full-stop!

Operation on 23rd March. O Lord, be with me
University stuff sent in, I'm shaking and super scared that I won't make it in. O Lord, be with me.

Goodness, aren't I the hypocrite, running back to God when I need help, then happily abandoning Him when all's well. It's pathetic really, and I hate myself for it. Hate hate hate hate hate...

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I'm self-loathing, but ironically it makes me self-absorbed. Stupid, I'm too stupid to even pull myself out of my own stupidity in spite of being aware. Lol

God bless y'all!

Regrets of Junior College Life (JC Life)

2011-02-26T00:08:00.003+08:00

I suppose it's too late to try again. It's ridiculous how life doesn't have a "Restart" option, or that it doesn't auto-save for you and allows you to go back to before you screwed your life up, or at least, go back to a point where you really REALLY wanna take back a bunch of choices you made.

It was in the immaturity of my youth that I believed I was mature enough to handle a relationship when I clearly wasn't ready for it. By choosing to value my girlfriend, rather than my friends, by choosing to value time with her, rather than time with my work, I managed to warp my values and who I was. Even after we broke up, I continued to wallow in self-pity (sometimes I think I still do. Yeah, I probably still do) and everything revolved around her. Which, of course, led me to monumentally screw my studies over, and then my relationships in school. Mercifully, I still have friends, but sometimes I wonder if anything would have been different, and if so, would it have been better?

Mind you, I'm not blaming my ex-girlfriend for my problems, far from it, I take full responsibility for every damned mistake I make because that's what you do when you screw up. I chose to make her all that to me, I chose to screw myself, and now I just find myself wondering if I hadn't decided to...

I might have been closer to my class of 08S08, a wonderful group of people who I truly regret not ever linking up with, and always kinda had to observe from afar. I guess our relationship was bad from the start since I had my mind elsewhere, and I always had this "Screw the world, I've got all I need," attitude of arrogance than of humility. I gave up one of the best friends I've made, Oliver, who rather felt his life was better off if he didn't have to deal with my crap on his turf. In all fairness I don't blame him, in fact, looking back and knowing who I was before, I probably would've done the same thing... Maybe.

Hilary... Goodness, I don't know what to believe anymore. People have said she talks crap about me behind my back, my dad and sis verify it, and it's just something I'm not willing to believe. Someone I would've trusted my life with turns out to be someone who might've really just been bitching about me the whole time? Unbelievable. Really. I can't believe it. And fuck, I WILL NOT believe it! I will put my faith in her, or I'll gladly die an idiot with a knife to my back if she really does back-stab me

Sometimes with friends, you have to take a leap of faith. Either land in milk and honey, or splatter all over the canyon floor. That's the risk, but I think it's worth it

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Maybe if I hadn't chosen to be such an arrogant prick, I would've been on better terms with my classmates, who are all really great people.
If I had been more humble, and had a better attitude, I might've even gotten help from them when I was struggling.

Maybe if I hadn't misplaced my priorities, girlfriend (pleasure) over work (livelihood), I would've scored so much better, and never have had to struggle in the first place.
If I had my priorities straight... 'nuff said....

Maybe if I hadn't chosen my girlfriend over my friends every single time, I'd have shown myself to be a more dependable person, and become a stronger man for it. I'd probably still have Oliver, Hilary, maybe even Christine/Leonie/Fang Yu as friends. Hell, I might've even gotten along with Chee Hao, who knows.
If I had sorted out whwat was truly important all along...

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Then again, maybe it's a blessing? Do true friends really ever abandon their friends, even when they're hopeless dicks?

... Seriously, is that the only bloody thing that could've been a fucking "BLESSING" out of all this shit?!

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Alas, there is no "Restart" button. There's no checkpoint. There's only the present, and the consequences of all our actions that await us are our inevitable future.

God bless

6 Weeks Of No Blogging

2010-12-19T19:43:00.002+08:00

Terrifying, when was the last time I was so silent on my blog?

3 weeks in Taiwan
2 weeks confined in camp
1 week... I dunno why
And finally now, after days of putting it off, I'm here to type a short blog post as an intro to more posts that are to come.

What have I been doing with my free-time?
- Kingdom Hearts Role-playing site
- Facebook
- Surfing YouTube
- Playing Assassin's Creed 2
- Going out for the fun of it
- Watching "Chronicles of Narnia" and "Tron" (both AWESOME movies, btw)
- And other things...

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I wrote tons of things while I was in Taiwan...

- Reflections on life, sex, relationships, the futility of achievements, etc
- Places I must go to
- Things I have to do in Singapore
- Food I must eat in Singapore

And when I got back...
- The ridiculous story of my 7-day Suspension of Leave (SOL), which I can't actually publicize because it's kinda classified... So I'll tell it to friends in confidence bah =)

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And so, with this teaser trailer for the stuff that's to come, I bid you, the reader of this blog, see ya later, because I'm off to write a reply mail to a pen pal I have in the Philippines, and her name's Gabrielle Megan, in case you weren't wondering =)

God bless, and I'll see ya soon!

p.s: YEEEESSS!!!! POSTED TO PULAU TEKONG!!!! So, it means my weekends are more or less predictable, but my weekdays are burned... But if I get a laptop in camp...? Ah, the possibilities... =) God bless once more!

Halloween... Finding Jeruselem

2010-10-30T08:48:00.003+08:00

Fah lah lah lah lah... Car tune!

Tomorrow I meet the punk... I kinda already know this relationship will end by some time next year, although she says with all serious-ness in her eyes that she means it when she says, "This will last till we get married,"

*sad laugh* Poor girl... But everyone needs to know pain before they learn anything...

I just wish there were other ways that you could've seen the picture. Now all I can do is prepare to counsel you, prepare to comfort you.

Hopefully I'm wrong and her dream comes true, truly I do. I never want to see my sister hurt, but it looks like I might have to.

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Halloween, ate at this AWESOME Italian place along Clark Quay called... Bartamos? Something with a 'B'... Or is it a 'G'? Argh, can't remember, anyways, I know where it is, right opposite Hooters, which is really... Tame. I'm serious, Hooters in Singapore is nothing to hoot about, the girls are fully clad in proper tops, wearing short skirts (and obviously wearing shorts underneath) and ridiculous high-socks... That's about it.

In the USA, Hooter chicks are busty women with at least a huge C-Cup, then they're dressed in tight-fitting singlets and shorts. Yes, it's essentially what every boy wants to see in a Singaporean PE lesson, and that's about as "hot" as Hooters ever gets anyways.

Okay, Halloween. Awesome time, people were dressing up, and my mom went on a photo-spree... But I didn't take any photos, cos as long as I have this shaved head of mine (shaved for field camp), I refuse to allow pictures of this terrible hair on the internet...

Until, of course, I saw a group of hottiehothothot chicks dressed as nurses. Then I just decided to take one pic and send them all into hoots.

"Whoa, hothothothothot...."
*giggles and laughs, gives me a weird look, probably cos of my hair*

"Erm... You guys mind if I took a photo with y'all?"
"Nope, not at all!"

"Cool... Erm, there's an awful lot of you... Where do I si- Oh, okay, thanks,"
*photo snap*

"Man, my night is complete! Thanks y'all, so much!"
*fits of laughter as they continue snapping photos with more customers*

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Jon Shannow, a pistoleer in the Stones of Power series, is a skilled hunter and marksman, a notorious killer, and also a man of God, the famed wanderer searching for his mythical city of Jerusalem. His quest takes him through many world-changing events, leading him to higher mysteries and meeting loads of interesting/important people. But following his path also leads him to forsake much of life, marriage, a family, children, love... All luxuries he willingly forfeits for the sake of his dream, his life's goal and ambition.

For every dream, there's a price to pay, things you must forsake.
For every dream, there will always be a journey

I wonder what my dream is
"My dream is to be a man of character, and to know the Lord personally and intimately,"

"Erm... Shane, the Bible has already told you that it'll happen eventually one day,"
"... WHAT?!"

"Yeah... You can't make that your dream, cos you don't have to work for it. A dream is something you work towards. What you just said is an eventuality, not a possibility,"
"..."

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Bill Gates, his dream is to have a computer on every desk.
Jason Mraz, his dream is to see love spread throughout the world
Toby Turner, his dream is to live in LA. Permanently
Nicole, her dream is to live in a penthouse

What dreams do I have? What dreams could I have?
Do I dream of religion?
Music?
Family?
Fun and laughter?

"I dream of a life of ease and fun and laughter,"
That's an impossible dream, to be fulfilled only after we're dead

I don't know what I want... Maybe that's the direction God has been tugging me in. Can't be a coincidence that Grace Wan mentions this just last week and now this question comes up...

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So now, I'll have to find my own Jerusalem. God bless y'all!!!

My Duties? Field Camp

2010-10-29T21:06:00.009+08:00

Awkwardawkwardawkward... I mean, it's when people the closest to you, people you look up to... It's when people like that turn to you and confide in you, you feel super-duper awkward... My theory is that people make mistakes, they hurt, then they learn. If this were any friend of mine I'd smile and say, "Go for it! Go ahead, make your mistakes, earn your victories, and learn to love life in all it's various aspects!"

But... She's... ARGH... How the hell am I supposed to sit by and see her get hurt? Am I fulfilling my duties by doing as such?

Man... I just pray that everything turns out according to His will in the end... I really hope this doesn't end in tragedy. The last thing I want is for her to get hurt...

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5 day Grand Slam... By the end of it, my back was burning, heat rashes spreading the entire length, my muscles all aching, and my body barely resisting the cold that the nights and rain were bringing. It was God's grace that there was no haze, so thank Him for that, the fact that in spite of all the horrors, the chances of me dying were very quickly reduced. Just the day before the camp I was worried I'd be choking to death, and much to my relief the rains cleared the air straight up

1.
Launch a dawn assault, nothing very interesting here.

1-2 Night-Time
Dug a shell-scrape in 2 HOURS!!! YEEESSSS!!! I only finished by shell-scrape in BMT in 3 days, even then it wasn't even completed! But here, I finished mine in 2 HOURS?! PRAISE THE LORD!!!

Heavy downpour in the night, woke up to find my shallow grave was flooded. In the shell-scrape next to mine, my friend was happily snoozing... As the water level in his own shell-scrape slowly rose. Repeated attempts by my buddy and I to wake him up fell on (literally) deaf ears, and it wasn't until the water touched his nose that he FINALLY woke up...

"Whoa," his first words when he woke up, "Why didn't you guys try to wake me up?"

When there is heavy rain from 3am-6am, you end up with people gathering in groups of four, standing and huddling together in raincoats, and basically just stoning at space, standing rock-solid still for hours on end, trying to resist the cold while sleeping... It was like a scene from "The Happening", everyone out of the shell-scrapes, standing around... Not walking... No sound... Creepy stuff

Only one guy slept, But I think he's a friggin' genius. Lying on top of a field pack, he pulls over his ground sheet and rain coat over his body and, fully sheltered from the rain, takes a long long nap. Lucky...

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2.
Some guy keeps yelling, "Shane, the lady surveyors are looking for you!"
"Shane! Shane! Shane!" He says repeatedly like a machine gun.

I move past him and glare at him, "Yeah, that's right, you bitch, keep screaming my name," I turn to face the surveyors, and they have a look of shock on their faces.

Oh crap...

Something about this Army life and the attitude I'm adopting towards it is making me very bitter and more angry every day, every day just a little more vulgar, every day just a little bit angrier.

I really need to walk closer with God. This drifting away thing is not making me comfortable at all... I'm becoming two different people, one "better behaved" person in public, one guy who's a little more vulgar and angsty in the Army... Darn...

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3.4.5
Urban Operations, fun fun fun fun... I always feel like I'm playing Counter-Strike when ever we do these Urban Ops things, y'know? Even though it's NOTHING like the game in real life, but it's just soooo fun to imagine?

Imagine killing someone. I bet it feels... Extraordinary

... I freak myself out. More often recently...

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Heat rash came on only during Urban Operations, supposedly because of the extra protection we wear during these ops. I think the claim may be valid, since it only occurs when the skin is unable to sweat and all the sweat is trapped ON the skin, causing irritation and finally the rash itself. It felt like my whole body was being bitten by ants, all at once. It's quite unfortunate that we have to have our armour on at all times while doing missions, otherwise it would be easy to quickly get rid of the rash... (Only to have it come back on again)

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There are other things to talk about, but I'm lazy to pen them down. Perhaps tomorrow, when the world doesn't sway in front of me like it is now... God bless y'all! =)

Calming Down

2010-10-21T22:02:00.002+08:00

No shame in failure, only the recognition of weakness, the recognition of imperfection, and the need to be made whole and complete. I feel no judgement, because I know that I'm saved by grace alone, not by works.

I fulfilled my duties, and I did them well. Not only were they done efficiently, they were done on time, and I've completed tasks beyond what was expected of me. Do I anticipate a reward or a "Good job"? No, these things are over-looked in the Army, as they are in life. We're expected to perform well, so what if we give a little extra more? That is the way it goes...

I guess that's why Cadets like it when I teach, I have a different way of doing things.

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What's the failure? I feel like I've failed somehow, like I failed to rise to the occasion and do what a Christian ought to do in such a situation. Fall to their knees, pray, start drawing upon Bible knowledge or their close relationship with God...

Me? I just worked with what I had and hoped for the best. God did not enter my mind until after everything was over, or when there happened to be a lull in the activities, I'd go...

"Lord, help,"
"Ah, Lord, You gotta be kidding..."
"Ah, Lord, why on EARTH..."
"Jesus, need You,"

Shouldn't I have a close enough relationship with God that talking to Him and asking for help is the first thing I do...? Or is this as Joshua and Gideon and David? Men acting out of faith, being blessed by God seemingly without praying elaborate prayers? Or were they uttering quick prayers, kinda like Nehemiah before the King?

Could the problem be that I don't read my Bible enough? True, I spend more time reading Facebook or Global Conflict or Manga than my Bible... Perhaps the problem isn't so difficult after all:

I don't feel like a good Christian because I'm not being a good son

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Reflecting on Biblical truths that I know, I know that I'm loved the same no matter whether I fail or succeed. I know the Lord redeemed me knowing all I would do, and in that sense it brings a sort of peace that there is always hope for me to improve in the future. Yes, I WILL improve!

*yawn*... Here's a song that encouraged me, it's Chinese, so I'm sure y'all are surprised I'm even listening to it. However, this song absolutely just proves to me that Chinese is a beautiful language for writing love songs. Hope y'all feel as uplifted by this song just as I do =) God bless!

RANT RANT LSM STRESS!!!

2010-10-21T12:33:00.003+08:00

Being punished for a horrifically silly reason is so typically Army. Running about in the middle of the night to settle admin work and perform what is necessary behind the scenes while powered by a single can of Coke is really quite the experience. My muddy and sandy uniform has been rinsed, wrung, and has been soaking in a pail since the day before yesterday. Will the stink ever come off? I certainly have my priorities in order.

It's no wonder I'm grouchy enough to drop the F-bomb on my Facebook status. What was I thinking? Attention grabbing? By this point, I'm too tired to give a damn about that, too tired to rationalize and think through my actions. And visiting the MO today to try and get some help for my knees and my asthma, which has been stirring because of the haze, only saw me a tube of muscle relaxants, and a whole bunch of painkillers.

At the end of my night, it's 12am, and everyone's fast asleep in bed, dreaming sweet dreams or battling horrible nightmares, while I remain awake in a nightmare of m own. I grab my showering gear and find myself trembling in the shower stall, but I'm not cold, I'm shaking with anxiety and fear. Thoughts of creepy girls with long black hair and white gowns suddenly flash into my head, visions so real I could almost swear that I felt her behind me.

"Bring it on," I'm surprised to hear the words come from my mouth, "Anything but this is better. Give me fear, give me pain, give me anything but this," I turn, and find that I'm truly alone, miserable and still alone.

You aren't alone, God's always with you

Yeah, well, where's the strength? Where's the damned happiness or peace?!

You asked for blessings, increased territory, no?

...

Voila

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Last time I checked, blessings don't cause such terrible sensations of helplessness and hopelessness. It is at moments like these I really should learn to depend on God, to lean upon His strength and...

All Christian theology out the window. I'm shaking, I'm still anxious and frightened.

In the end, I go to sleep, no prayers, no smart blog post, no rants, no nothing. I need to sleep. Tomorrow, I live, and I'll perform my duties at my fullest. Sometimes, the key to solving problems is just to bloody tackle 'em head on, sometimes we don't have to win, we just have to keep on living.

I wonder, is the strength of the Lord really not some supernatural sensation or display that, even if others can't see, not even I can see? Is His grace, providence, mercy, strength... Are all of His blessings really just subtle things in life? Are His blessings merely coincidences or displays of strength from ourselves that, unless seen through the eyes of faith, are simply "lucky" or "coincidental" instances?

It is not a question of God is real, hell, it's not even a question if Christianity's the real deal. I've been through all of this before, I know my religion and God is real. I know he took the lowly Moses and made him a leader born from the desert. I know He allowed Joseph to be smashed into the prison of a kingdom he would later come to rule. I know He parted the red sea, tore down the walls of Jericho, blessed Joshua with military wisdom, and gave His life on the cross.

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If He bore all our sins, what does it mean? Just salvation? Just the possibility to live a righteous life? Just the possibility of having a relationship with Him?

I can't help but feel sometimes that our conversations are one-sided. And He cheats by using subtle circumstances and later saying, "Hey, I did talk to you, you just weren't paying enough attention,"

The Lord doesn't tempt, and He cannot be tempted, so bad things that come to us are, according to the story of Job, allowed by God to happen because Lucifer wants to play. Huh? So we're given trials that are never beyond our abilities, alright, fine, and these trials build us up, okay, fine...

My dad and plenty of my friends will roll their eyes at this point:
"Suck it up, wussy. It's part of growing up, it's called 'being responsible'. Just take the damned pain, accept it, and realize that this isn't really pain compared to what others go through,"

FUCK what others go through! Is this not the life that I'm experiencing? Will I ever experience theirs? Then why the hell must I think of those "poor starving kids in Africa" when to each man is given his own trials, and we are apparently able to overcome them on our own?!

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True living comes from giving, and giving of ourselves not only to God, but to the service of His people. Is that why we need to worry about what others are going through?

...

Moving Onwards Through... Necessity grumble

2010-10-18T22:50:00.002+08:00

I now understand where this has all been leading to. The point where I freely throw away the unnecessary and see what truly matters, all because Army has been the consuming fire of trials that has burned away every childish notion of "needs" and shown me the weeds of "wants".

To desire what is absolutely necessary will lead to our wants transforming, to the point where we'll have lives as light, mirrors bathed so deeply in light and reflecting it so strongly that we seem to be the sources of strength, when we're really drawing from the infinite River of Life.

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Throw aside the "desperation" or "despo" feelings, because while girls are a nice distraction, they're ultimately a distraction from the already weary-causing nonsense of the Army.

Throw aside the need to play or go out as much as I can, to sleep as little as possible to "enjoy my civilian life". Ultimately, at the end of 2 years this world will be as it was, nothing will have changed. I can make my memories then. The government has so ordained that two years of my already temporal life shall be devoted to the service of the nation. Fine, I'll give you this life, it was never mine to live for me anyway

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AHAHAHA!!!! EPIC WIN!!!! THANK YOU LORD!!!

(original post: FUCK YEAH!!!! But I think the Christian version looks more civilian appropriate. This post is too Army-like)

Tomorrow's navigation contains RAVE checkpoint!!! The ultimate checkpoint, too easy to find!!! For us lah, anyway. My team found it by complete chance and now we can get there with eyes closed and one leg a-hoppin'... YEAH!!!!

Rave is an incredibly good manga too, btw.

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"Oh, that You would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evil, that I may not cause pain!"

God bless y'all!

Erasing A Crush Through K-Box

2010-10-17T23:14:00.003+08:00

Went to K-Box today, for the first time ever, and I've finally felt the immense frustration of having every damned pop song at least a key or two above my vocal range, which winds up with me sounding like a lunatic for majority of the singing.

Went with Marian, Kenny, Zi Xin, Grace Tan, and a girl with a chinese name that I dunno how to spell (she's kinda cute though)

Need. Vocal. Lessons...

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Here's a silly rule I've come up with in my own head: You don't touch a girl the moment your friend has his eye on her. You bow, be gracious, and let 'im at it. I know, it's a terribly childish and stupid rule, but I feel it's only right. Even if it means I'll lose the chance to talk to a close friend I've made only recently.

I'm not interested in fighting for her, chasing after her, nor do I have the time, energy, or will to pursue it. If he gets her, he has her, and then I hope the wonderful fairy tale has the happily ever after before the 'Fin'.

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And because of this incident, I'm forced to throw away any notion that I might've liked her. And to my surprise, I find that my short-lived crush was really something my heart threw up because it is unused to not having a crush there. So it looks like the wish I had, that I could repeat what I did for my sec 3 year, is coming true...

Once again, pity that I have to give up talking to such a nice friend though...

Nevermind, I can always bother Zi En and Qiwen anyways =)

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OHMYGODHOTTIEHOTHOTHOTHOTHOTHOTHOTHOT!!!!

http://www.litinglovesyou.blogspot.com/

Insanely hot chick, Singaporean! These people exist in Singapore?! THEY EXIST?! WHY DON'T I KNOW ANYONE WHO LOOKS LIKE THAT!!!! *whine*

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You give and take away... Truly Thou art the Sovereign One. I humbly bow and accept Thine will...

Just let me see You where ever You may be in this world, however You may appear in my life. Bless me indeed, that I might bless others, and give more of myself to You and to Your people.

Teach me that love isn't about receiving, but giving. Teach me that life isn't about what you get, but what you give. Teach me, humble me, give me a meek spirit. Shield my heart from pain, yet give me faith to trust in You even when troubles come...

Amen

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Kk, God bless y'all, hope you live high, mighty, and loving with the love of the Godly kind =)

Will-Power NavEx? Hating Bishan

2010-10-16T10:49:00.003+08:00

I think the main issue with running is the boredom, that's why so many people wear mp3 players whilst running. The body can keep up a pace that we might feel is our limit for an ultra long time, but really it's all just a mental thing. Somehow, you gotta keep your mind occupied or learn to let go of everything and let your mind be a complete blank sheet, allowing the experience of the run to just flow through your body, accepting the pain and acknowledging the work.

10km run on Thursday, followed by an insane navigation exercise immediately afterwards. We swore we walked at least 16km that afternoon. In the group of 6, there was one compass dude, two pacers, one plotter, and one guy carrying the uber heavy signal set. That left me without a role so I just went on to do an extra pacing. At night, one of my team-mates with a sprained ankle couldn't carry on, so I hung around with him while the others went to grab the final checkpoint.

Bad idea. In the end, one event lead to another, by the end of the night we had another team-mate badly sprain his ankle, three who were bone-tired, one who maintained his injury, and me, the guy who was basically not that bad off. Out of a certain drive that Rachel would call, "Typically Shane", I endeavoured to carry the bloody heavy signal set for the entire night exercise, since everyone else was exhausted or injured.

"Man, you've got will-power, bro,"
Honestly, by this point, I dunno. Me, weak-willed, lazy, physically pathetic, brain-stupid... Have will-power? Strange stuff. Maybe it's true, maybe it's not, but I'll just shrug and accept the compliments that I receive. It's good to note how others may find you, so that you have a better gauge of how you are presenting yourself to others.

Important, since I suck at people skillz

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EUNICE HAS A BOYFRIEND?!

Oh my goodness congratz! If any of y'all know her, she's a girl who was chubby but toned up and slimmed down and is now hottiehothothothothot... And her boyfriend is apparently a... Beach hunk...?

Oh well, her dude's hottiehothothothot too, just go look it up through Facebook and give 'em well wishes! =)

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Booked out Friday afternoon, super stuffs. I think a couple of chicks were just looking at me funny, probably cos my short hair and big duffel bag gave away that I was in the Army... Or a... Bomb terrorist... *twiddles thumbs*

Anyways, went to Bishan cos I read my book a little too long, so went to buy some Corn Soup from MosBurger (awesome stuff, seriously) Saw Manju, a junior from NPCC, and immediately my heart starts beating fast and my mind's racing through, "Ohcrapcrapcrapcrap!!!"

I hate seeing people from the past who weren't my friends, or at least, people I was comfortable with. They remind me of my mistakes and previous failures, rarely am I reminded of my grand achievements of the past (which number to... None. Zero. Nada) So everytime I'm back in Bishan I feel fear, I feel this uneasiness, because every corner I turn I will remember some mistake or stupid action I did and I'd feel the shame all over again.

Then again, Bishan is so familiar to me I just love going there too

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Toby Turner, cool dude on YouTube, I love his mannerisms, do check him out. He's under three alias on YouTube:
TobyTurner
Tobuscus
LikeTotallyAwesome
TobyGamer

He has several lovely series like:
CuteWinFail
Literal Trailers
LazyVlogs

And many many many others, check it ;)

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Watching playthroughs of the game "F.E.A.R", because I'm too pussy to play it myself. Back to scaring myself half to death then, BYE!!!

GOD BLESS Y'ALL! LIVE HAPPY =)

Sick of the Same 'Ol Same 'Ol

2010-10-10T21:43:00.002+08:00

"Seriously, you read his blog, he's super despo... Naomi this, Naomi that..."

Oh come on! Find me something interesting to do and talk about other than Spirituality? If it ain't too spiritual, it's too mushy, too reflective... I ain't about to change how this blog is though. It's a journal, a reflective, a record of past mistakes and lessons so that looking back (like I have been for the past few days), I figure out myself... To a certain degree.

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Sitting in my bunk, listening to new Mraz tunes, coming up with variations of Christian songs in my head and writing down new lyrics, humming a new melody somewhere somehow during the day...

Hung out with Kenny, Zi Xin, Qi Wen, Olivia, and Mary Anne. Elijah and the other dude were kinda in a world of their own, so overall it was an interesting time, been awhile since I've had a hang-out that was that interesting. Hopefully such occurances can become a frequent thing, it's so frightfully boring on weekends of late. Especially since the Army has been STEALING THEM FROM MEEE!!!! GRRRRAAWWWRRR!!!!

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Love is living for someone else
It's a weird thing
It's a series of actions
It's changing your behaviour for the pleasure and joy of someone else

*rolls his eyes*
People, I'm over Naomi, chill. It's just that there hasn't been another girl that has caught my eye, no one nearly interesting enough yet. So, for the moment, she's the template for my lonely feelings and lurby-durby feelings, k? Relax, I'mma just waiting for the right one, and Naomi was the closest I've tasted to the real deal so far.

Besides, I've always been into love and what it means and love songs and the like. Y'all just haven't been paying enough attention =)

Plus I've always been interested in God...

Love, family, God, fun... I think I know what're the things that make me tick =P

God bless y'all! =)

Re-reading, Faith

2010-10-07T13:01:00.002+08:00

Reading her blog is frightening to my soul. I feel so much care and love, so much passion in her words, everything she says she means, and all that power is flying about without foundation or direction. It's no wonder that she deviated from the lovely path she was on, too many factors shoved her in the wrong direction. Family, friends, circumstance, low self-esteem born out of being the center of attention always, inexplicable flaws that she believes so deeply are beyond redemption or beyond repair...

Still I'll pray, the Lord can set her soul and spirit right. But even if He does not, He loves her so, greater than I, greater than her own parents, and all He allows to come to pass upon her life shall be as fires to iron.

Getting over someone's weird. I still have such strong feelings for her in my heart, but they no longer feel chaotic and uncontrolled, now there's a sense of a settled peace and a calm joy. I no longer have this stretched need, the only ache is loneliness, not... This... What on EARTH is this?

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It's been so long since I've seen a live performance of that incredible calibre. Watching Planetshakers perform "Beautiful Saviour" is moving my heart so immensely. Club Moriah and their passion for God is incredible. Hillsongs and Planetshakers with their talent and heart are inspiring. COR, Hope Sanctuary... People who truly ask that the Lord move their hearts before He moves the mountains in their lives, amazing faith, incredible grace. I picked up the guitar 4 years ago specifically to worship the Lord in a brand new way, and it has brought me many lessons and has been an incredible source of inspiration for me. But now, this instrument I hold in my hands... I think I've lost sight of the goal

I wonder where that passion has gone in my life, wonder why I'm so stoned of late. I have nothing better to do in camp, but I wind up circling around Facebook and manga, all of which I completed and now eagerly anticipate updates for...

I just don't feel like doing much, don't feel like doing anything. At all. My thoughts are oscillating between hating the Army and grudging acceptance. Most of the time loneliness bites at my heart, other times boredom floods my heart. Weariness coats all these negative emotions in a cloak of despair, and I wish I had something I could look forward to, something to do, anything at all. I have no inspirations for songs nor stories (though I've come up with a few interesting tunes/lyrics)...

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I've always been saying in my heart from day 1 I stepped into Newton Life Church, "Man, look at how they're worshipping! Club Moriah, His Arrow Church, Hope Sanctuary... So many churches have 'better' worship sessions than these!"

"Hey, what if I was on the worship team? Or even a worship leader! Man, I'd take these guys up to that level!"

Arrogant, ego-filled statements from a heart that had yet to know pain and suffering, and the grace and tender mercies of the Lord. Having an incredible experience in my JC life has re-defined so many things... The way I view relationships, God, religion, friends, family... And it has allowed me to see that it was never about "levels", but about preferences.

"You go where you grow," was a philosophy that I wanted to adopt when choosing a church. But now I'm looking at the Purpose Driven Life lessons and my own personal development... Shouldn't the correct philopphy be "You go where you can give"? Bcause life's about giving, and I'm only just now starting to get it... WHEN I'M SERVING IN THE ARMY WITH BARELY ENOUGH TIME TO CUT MY TOE-NAILS!!!

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Listening to Christian songs again is a refresher...

I hope to see her again. Maybe I should ask Persis for that letter after all?

We are called to be wise. O Lord, make me wise, please. Amen.

God bless y'all! =)

Exhaustion

2010-10-04T23:39:00.004+08:00

Closing my eyes for more than a few minutes automatically throws me into sleep. I think I've really been pushing it a little too far...

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The other day, I had a memory of this girl from my Primary 1 class in Charlton Primary School. Her name was Sophia, and she was transferring schools. When she was leaving the class, I followed her out, but I can't remember why. I think her mom was in class speaking to the teacher and she was just outside hanging around, waiting for her mom. We saw a lot of classroom activity and we both kinda just laughed at everyone.

"It's kinda weird how they always say, 'I friend you' or 'I don't friend you', but in the end it never matters, huh?" I laugh.

"Well, they're kids, and so are we, it's how we are, what's to do about it?" she giggled in agreement.

"So, why's your name Sophia? I mean, it's nice, but shouldn't it be spelt 'Sofia'? What's with the 'ph'?"

"You dumb dumb! 'Ph' is pronounced as 'F' what! That's just how it is!"

"Well, I think it would've been funnier if you were called 'Sopia',"

"Tsk..."

"I'm gonna miss you. I think we're all gonna miss you," I can't remember what she looks like now.

"I'll miss you too, Shane, probably the most," We've never met since that day.

Kekeke... What a cute conversation between 7-year-olds.

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First time I held a girl's hand was in class. Sitting next to each other facing the blackboard, our hands just kinda fell over each other and we just sat there, hand in ahnd, smiling at one another. Adorable huh? Her name's Wing Lum, and I think it'd be really cool if I could see her again. I wonder what she'll think of me, if she can even remember me at all.

First time I ever got into a fight... Well, there were lots, but they were all really fun stuff.

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I can't really think of anything to blog about, and yet here I am, typing stuff out. It's dangerous I suppose, cos it's like what my dad sezz, "If you ain't got anything good/productive/important to say, shut up,"

But this blog was created to not only pen down my thoughts, but to keep a record of events and lessons so that re-reading them will be a refresher... Sigh...

Well, other than a very soggy river crossing, nothing interesting happened... Gonna go take a nap now. The Army never allows for sleep, only naps, awesome, right?

I HATE THE BLOODY ARMY DAMN IT

God bless y'all, do enjoy the life you're living now =)

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EDIT:
Re-reading my old blog posts, then I went on to her old blog to re-read some of her own. How... Romantic we were. How naive, how... Blind. I was so stupid, so many things could've been done better... In the end, by opening up my heart to her so completely, by throwing my life away so thoroughly and giving it to her, I doomed her, because she in turn shared everything with me as well. Thus, when the time came to break the bond, the suffering was horrible for us both, but I somehow had the support to pull through

She didn't

Such an irresponsible thing... Such a stupid thing... Idiot, Shane, every last bit of suffering you go through is penance to what she's gone through. The running away, the stealing, the crap she put herself through while she was away, the fact that she switches boyfriends non-stop, the fact that now she's in a moral free-fall, the fact that she's apparently lost all sense of worth and all self-control

All Shane's fault. All his fault. All my fault. Every last bit of it.
"Don't be so arrogant, Shane," my dad scoffed once, "You weren't that important to her. So many factors have been in place for so long, you were simply a trigger, the first domino. In the end, everything else, her environment, her friends, her past, every choice she ever made, that's what drove her to make her decisions,"

I wasn't that important to her?
What's in that letter she wrote to me? Am I still of any significance to her?
Does she know how I feel? Does she pity, sympathize, or scoff at me? Is she laughing at me or crying with me? Or does she plain not care anymore?

O Lord, all things happen to Your glory, and I wouldn't have gone on my spiritual quest if not for the things of my past. I would not be wiser if it had not been for the pitfalls in my life, and I would not be stronger if not for the pain. There's no going back anymore, I know that, Lord. But Abba, when I do get to Heaven, would You humour me?

Would You show me what would've happened if I had decided...
To never let the dream end?

Memories to Anticipated Future, Hilary

2010-10-04T01:33:00.004+08:00

Looking through the blogs and stuffs, yesterday I was left with 3 choices as to whom to call: Hannah, Zi En, or Li Yun. The first two were apparently depressed, and Li Yun I haven't spoken to for some time now. Thinking a little, it became obvious to me who I needed to call the most. I miss Li Yun, she's someone I really trust and love to hang around with. Besides, I should be having a date with Hannah soon-ish and Zi En should be coming to church annnyyy week now.

Had an Urban Operations Live Firing today, where we fired live, it-can-totally-kill-people, bullets while standing in the confines of a building. Uber cool =)

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"Shane, what're you thinking about?"

"Nothing much,"

"Just blank?"

"Yeah..."

"What do you think about after your mind goes blank?"

"... Naomi,"

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But it's strange now. Happy memories that once made me cringe now just make me smile. I look back at past experiences with her, all the romantic things we ever did, all the hand-holding and hugging and going out and kisses... And in my heart there's this voice that says, "Soon, kiddo, you'll find another girl to create new memories with. These memories will be nothing compared to her,"

So I remember, and I enjoy the experience of my meomries for as long as they're still there. One day soon, I'll be ready to give everything all over again, and maybe this time I'll be a better man, worthy of her everything too. Yeah... I'm an idealist =P

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Hilary's birthday yesterday, or today, however you see it... It feels so weird, holding back and not wishing her happy birthday at least... Partially cos I was out the whole of today and totally unable to send her anything, but I know it ain't the right time nor the right thing to do for me to wish her anything... Somehow... I just know it.

Lord, it's so weird, honestly. Not too long ago I would've said, "I trust Hilary with my life!" but now I'm not even sure if I'm a casual friend to her, let alone what she means to me... Will this rift ever be closed, Lord? I'd really like to have my friend back. Or are You moulding her into something incredible there, where she's bound to grow and glow? Lord, I pray You'll give her joy and peace, and she'll never run dry on love, ever. Abba, please look after her, for I know that You are the Lord of Singapore and Leets (UK), and I trust that You'll have incredible things for her...

Love You, Lord. So much. Thanks for everything You've done so far, in my life, in everyone's lives. You're the Hero, may all good things bring You glory in the end. Amen =)

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Typed this entire post with my eyes closed, cos it's almost 2am and I'm exhausted... God bless y'all! =)

Marksmanship/SOC, Miracles, Belief

2010-10-02T23:08:00.002+08:00

A day of grand blessings from a heart of surrender. It all began yesterday when we did our Shooting Test, and I failed quite miserably on my first go. Praying, then resolving finally to perform my best regardless of the outcome, I wound up performing a lot better than expected, and was placed in a position to get a Marksmanship badge! Exhausted, I collapsed into my bunk at 12am...

To wake up at 4am to go take the dreaded SOC. Because I didn't confirm my name with the Inchek the day before, I could have easily backed out without consequence, but I don't know what possessed me to go up to the Inchek and say, "Inchek, you didn't write down my name yesterday, can I do the SOC today?"

WHAT?! THAT WAS NOT ME!!! So, anyways, having sealed my aching and exhausted body into doing the damned course that I have never overcome ever, I prayed a prayer, asking the Lord to once again take this test and do as He willed, because I have given up, so I'll do my best anyway, and see what He makes of it. That way, I have no regrets, and I'll know that I've worked in tandum with the Lord. By some miracle, I FINALLY PASSED MY SOC!!!!! YEEEESSSSS!!!!!

Following the exhilaration of a pass, we went on to complete the Shooting test, where I got a Markamanship badge at long last

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Over a period of 2 days, the Lord accomplished through me two very impossible tasks, and the impossible was only accomplished when I had surrendered myself and my belief in my capabilities and trusted that He would be the one doing the work. Because knowing our capabilities and believing them are way different things. The fact that I know I can sing doesn't change the fact that at any moment we could lose our voice, or that the Lord may decide to recall His gift, because He's God, after all.

It's when we stop believing in our capabilities in doing a job well and just do it, keeping a prayerful attitude and believing in God instead, that's when the impossible happens, because belief is truly what powers our results so often.

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Yet another friend of mine is being dragged into a situation involving sex. Will this world forever be corrupting all who walk upon its soil?

Also, realized I could've hung out with Li Yun for the past few weeks, but I stupidly assumed she was having exams... DOI!

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Sigh... Need to sleep... God bless y'all =)

Post Numero 300

2010-10-01T23:54:00.002+08:00

Today, we had an Advanced Training Fire Package, where we did a little bit more advanced marksmanship tests, and tomorrow it'll be concluded. If the Lord wills, I'll get the Marksmanship badge and finally achieve something worth bragging about in the Army, and likely it'll be my only achievement. After all, my enormous accomplishment of getting Silver for IPPT is honestly falling flat against the numerous Gold holders, plus I'm still struggling with SOC

Speaking of which, now completely exhausted, I need to wake up in less than 5 hours to run the SOC. I'mma taking it as training and throwing my all into it, but it's highly unlikely that I'll pass. Yet with what sort of crazed confidence do I undertake this difficult and ridiculously strenuous activity? It's a simple peace, knowing that ultimately all things end, and all that matters is I throw my best in always. After all, it's only in the refining fires do the true gems of character arise.

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GOOD, GOD GIVEN

Scored only 10/24 for my initial shoot, demoralized, I prayed and prayed and prayed... Until finally during the break, as I stood by the other side of the training shed and looked up at a nearby knoll, sipping on ice-cold water, and the sunlight soft on a cloud-filled sky, then a thought broke into my mind, "This is good. This is God-given,"

Victor leant me his rifle, then I scored 18/24, and if all goes well tomorrow, I'll have the Marksman badge, so praise the Lord. Because I know that even if I didn't get a better score, I would've been at peace, and I think that's exactly what He was waiting for, the moment where I was in a state of complete and total acceptance, before He gives me the prize He has planned.

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And really, I meant the words from my heart. It IS a good thing I'm in the Army, because I'm pushed and made to think in ways otherwise foreign to me. It is God-given, because some circumstances and difficulties that have arisen have been solved in fantastic ways that only God could have performed. No matter how hard, this is a good 2 years, and I hope to fully appreciate this life that the Lord has blessed me with.

0...0...0

In 300 posts... I've recovered from 1 break-up, loved from 10/06/2008 till 10/02/2009, felt my heart empty while my mind panicked for the 'A' levels, and entered into the Army, learning an entire array of character building lessons.

It's been so eventful, Lord, and in the end it's all been for Your pleasure. In gratitude I pray, and praise You for all the works. May I be found faithful at the end of the race, please keep me safe under the shadow of Your wings...

God bless y'all! =)

Musings on Relationships

2010-09-28T01:01:00.005+08:00

It's incredible how the Lord works, that my pain and experience can be used somehow to help a friend in need. A fellow bunk-mate's going through roughly the same pain as I was going through not very long ago, and having found peace and joy at long last I'm glad that I'm finally able to give back a little and help out where I can.

"Thanks, Shane. I think Naomi made a mistake in losing you, honestly, you're a great guy,"

"Gee, thanks, Irshah!"

"Btw, who's this girl anyways?"

*shows Irshah the Facebook profile*

(gawking) "Omg... Er... *ahem* Okay, interesting,"

Yeah yeah, once again, I ask my fellow friends and family members: Where on EARTH is a girl who looks like THAT ever gonna fall for me again? Hmmm...? K, fine, the fact that it has occurred means that the probability exists, so I'mma keeping my fingers crossed =P

After all, there're two things that make having a relationship with a hot girl incredibly possible:
1. Love is blind, you're probably gonna be one of the few who think she's hot. Otherwise, even if heaps of others love her to bits, she still saw something in your and chose you =) *notice how it works both ways? =P*

2. The more you get to know a person, the prettier they become, till at last they become beautiful in their strengths and flaws and imperfections. There is no light without darkness, and without contrast everything would just look plain...

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"C'mon, just take the letter and read it, what's the worst that could happen?"

... I honestly don't know. I have this strong gut feeling that if I open her letter and read it, I'll be back to being her toy (albeit an ugly one), who'll come drooling at her feet everytime she so much as thinks about it, yet I can't exactly change how I feel towards her completely. As much as I'm disgusted by her now, I still care for her very much... Err... Screw it, I still love her, however, having been seperated from her for so long, I'm certain that I'm not in love with HER anymore, but MEMORIES of her instead, her former self.

Heh, what a pretty little speech, but in the end everytime I see her I crumble all over again, a house of cards in a hurricane, completely helpless when she smiles. Then again, isn't this how I felt about April, Hannah, and Ashley? The next one is always the best, the next one is always the hardest to forget... I'm tired of 'next one's, I just need one, that's all.

Someone who...
- doesn't judge me
- laughs at the stuff that I laugh at
- has a mind of her own and can argue against me well
- someone whose chinese can more than make up for mine =P
- someone who loves music and speaking english
- preferably likes gaming =P (plausible dream)
- has her priorities and morals straight
- I can comfort, and offer a sort of companionship otherwise impossible
- I can give every bit of my heart and life to, without having to compromise on anything significant (family, religion)
- I love whole-heartedly, and who loves me in return

Because in the end we're all looking for love, to receive love, but also secretly we harbour a need to GIVE love, and when recognize that this is our nature we view relationships in a completely new light!

Which is why now I'm content to be single and have my heart quietly at peace, waiting for whatever comes my way. Maybe this time, the dreams and memories will last forever

God bless y'all! =)

SOC Failure, Everlasting Love

2010-09-26T21:11:00.002+08:00

Huffing and panting, tired and sweating, I collapsed on the floor and felt my chest screaming in agony.

"You sick pervert!" it seemed to scream, "Have you no mercy?! Push so hard, and we didn't make the timing for the SOC!"

"B-but, I completed it," I reply between gulps of air, fumbling around in my pocket for my inhaler.

"Yeah, sure, but an improvement by 1 minute isn't something to be proud of,"

Could you have pushed yourself harder? a voice rings out in my head, a voice that seems to be either my conscience, or the Holy Spirit.

"No,"

You've done your best?

"Yeah, definitely," No hesistation on this one.

I'm proud

"... Take that, lungs!"

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Munching on a Mega Mac, sipping on Coke, all after finishing up my laundry and activities for the day, I have a peace in my heart and mind that just lets me know I've done my best for the day, and I'm damned proud of it. Reading through Xiang An's blog, I realize how much alike he and I are, in terms of how our brains fly and how our relationship problems have kinda screwed with our heads a little. That's pretty much the reason why I don't like talking to him in real life too much: We know each other so well it'll just be a waste of time. Half the time I can practically guess his next words or guess his brain, yes, we're that alike.

But nontheless, awesome brother in Christ, proud to have him as a friend.

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*stretches*

My heart has healed, pretty much fully. All that's left is an anticipation for the next one, if the Lord ever grants me the blessing. Actually, I'd like to be purified further, to be thrown into even deeper fires, so that all my horrid traits would be wiped out faster. If I'm to be a proper boyfriend/husband, I'd like to be one of some quality, not some half-baked nonsense. I'm sure the Lord has His own plans, so I'll just sit back and wait.

After all, until March 2012, I'm not going anywhere.

I remember seeing this on Facebook somewhere: If someone seriously wants to be a part of your life, they'll seriously make an effort to be a part of it.

Well, the statement's true, but we're thinking of it in the wrong way. We're thinking of receiving gifts, and by itself it's nothing wrong with that. Thing is, we're always gonna be receiving, how often are we consciously giving back though> So, if someone wants to be a part of our lives, how much are we willing to open up our lives, our hearts to them? Yes, that's the key... Giving, loving, and sharing all that we receive.

In the end, it's about how much we can give, not about how much we can take. Love has no limits, no end to how much we can produce and give out, so... Why not?

God bless y'all! =)

Unwanted Peace

2010-09-25T19:35:00.004+08:00

The posts on my emo-ness and subsequent peace are being burrowed now, slowly, post by post, so it's a sort of encouragement that either I'm moving on or else I'm doing all I can to. It's quite weird that it's only occurring now, cos she evidently moved on from me pretty soon after we broke up. 2 weeks after 10th February she was with Mark and having an awesome time with him, whilst I was still mugging and getting over my hurts.

"Why are you so upset when I talk about how things are between Mark and myself?" she asked me incredulously once when I told her to stop gushing about how lovely their love life was, "If you had gotten together with Hilary, I would've supported you!"

... Heh, how things have changed.

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I wonder how I got through my sec 3 life totally single... How much did I pack my life with in order to achieve that? Well... Long way to go... It's time to find interesting things to do...

With the elimination of one ginormous burden on my heart, very little is left to occupy my mind on weekends, let alone weekdays when I'm in camp. Bit by bit, slowly and surely, the Lord is eliminating various factors of my life outside of the Army, till now I have just enough activities and thoughts to keep me entertained on the weekends, and just enough to make me feel bored at home.

Yes, I typed that, BORED OUTSIDE OF CAMP... To an extent where I actually look forward to going to camp so that I can at least feel like I'm doing worthwhile. Horrible, isn't it? But I guess that's what I get for hating the Army so much and refusing to make it a part of my life. If the Lord can't get me to willingly accept my fate, then He'll MAKE ME LEARN!!!

Such a loving Father I have. Thanks, Abba...

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*stretch*

Back in camp... A mood of "sian"-ness hangs over us all as confinement week is upon us... But then again there isn't much left for me to look forward to outside of camp except church, and maybe a meet-up with an old pal...

Still waiting for Gabrielle's mail though...

God bless! =)

God bless y'all! =)

KCP, Hannah, Song Colours

2010-09-24T22:08:00.005+08:00

Below, at the bottom of this blog post, is something random I just churned up, because of a conversation my dad and I had, and because sometimes rambling just gives me a little comfort.

Hung out at J8 today after visiting the dentist and getting my hair cut. Barber gave me advice on how to make my hair finally work for me, but he added with a tinge of sadness, "The Army doesn't let you grow the front portion of your hair, or else we could do so much with this!" It's alright, random QBHouse hair-cutter, we'll see how it rolls soon enough. 17th December, just you wait.

KCP

Went to KCPSS (Kuo Chuan Presbyterian Secondary School), awesome school, my old secondary school, and instantly I was friends with everyone there again. It's not as difficult as people think, all you need is the confidence in yourself to say a simple 'Hi' and be unabashed even if people think you're nuts. Hey, I'm just passing through this world, highly unlikely you'll see me again, so why not see something interesting? And even if you do see me once more, then you'll see exactly why I'm the way I am!

Anyways, then I went and smsed a bunch of friends, marvelling at how the school's suddenly gone super-duper green, with trees and whatnot planted all over the place. Updates to the school's structure made it feel weird, same same, but different. Then, Hannah offered to meet-up, since I was in the area, and I suppose she needed stress relief from her mugging of MYEs in the Uni. As I went to meet her, came across this teacher whose name I've forgotten, but she apparently remembers me. We chatted a bit about the Christian environment in KCPSS (now apparently more active) and that's about that.

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HANNAH

This girl always makes every meeting and every moment we spend together interesting, and I'm not exactly sure why. We bought awesome bubble-tea, then walked from J8 back to school together, where I hoped to catch a glimpse of the NPCC in action, unfortunately, CCAs were off because of EOYs, so pooo...

Then we walked all over the school, reminiscing old memories, at least, I was, and then... Well, it looked like rain, so we left for J8 again, since she had some grocery shoppin' to do. After getting her barang, we had a little soup down at Mos, then I sent her home and then went home myself.

The entire thing lasted from about 12pm till 5pm, and throughout the whole thing we talked all the way. I can't remember if I was the one talking or if it was her (maybe next time I should keep track), but I remember her laughing, smiling, and basically talking back to me, so I guess I wasn't boring her even if I was jabbering all the way. Trading stories back and forth, I think we covered everything from her brother to the "Awkward Turtle" hands. I think we'll have another outing (technically it's a date, but it sounds weird) after her exams (it's on CHILDREN'S DAY!!!), and that's about that...

Had an awesome time though, hope she had too.

Hey, Hannah, if you're readin' this, thanks for today, very refreshing to meet up with a KCP-ian and an awesome pal =)

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MUSIC, COLOURS

Usually, how I like to write songs comes in two methods:

1. I throw out all the words in my head and heart on to paper, then start to sing them aloud, experimenting with different melodies until I find the one that fits. Experimenting usually involves just the melody then adding chords that do them the most justice.

2. I close my eyes, pick a bunch of chords, then start playing. Sometimes I have to change the chords 'cos the melody that's fighting to come out clashes with it, and other times the melody just adapts and fits in with the chords. I usually see some vision along with it, stuff that correlates to the emotions I feel and the thoughts I'm thinking. Then bit by bit, I add in lyrics to the song, the words that the melody wants.

Today, I worshipped, and boy it felt incredible. Realizing that God has been indeed guiding my life and development thus far, I decided to go with a very simple set of songs. Then, after all was done, I said, "Lord, thanks for guiding me through with Naomi. Wait, didn't I write a song for her?" And then I started to play... But the words slipped past my mind like water through my hands. I struggled with the lyrics and melody for a while, trying to find the original sound, but for some reason nothing came through. Yes, the song was still there, I could hear it... Somewhere... Closing my eyes, I see lines of light, and slowly I pushed them all aside, making my way past the pink, the blue, the yellow... All the way till I found a gorgeous pink strand that I just knew symbolized love, the love that was in the heart of the song.

So I strummed the chords to the song, letting the music run, my focus on that strand of love, the heart of the song that I had written so long ago. The music built, and finally I felt words coming out from my heart, and to my surprise, songs of praise to God came forth, not the original words of love to Naomi Chan. And the praise went on and on...

... I don't know what to make out of it. I wrote this song in love, a moment of ecstasy (sounds weird, but I can't think of another substitute...), on a night when something special happened... But I can't remember what. Did I hold her hand, or hug her, for the first time? Anyway, all I know is throughout our time together I prayed for God's blessing, and that I wanted to make sure He was glorified first, and it was that drive (along with the advice of family and friends), but ULTIMATELY, it was that drive that drove me to make the one painful decision on 10th February.

It's been... Over a year, and finally now the tides of pain are subsiding, leaving behind a wreck. Or perhaps a better way to look at it is that the flames are dying, and leaving behind molten gold, ready to be poured out to be moulded. Am I ready yet, Lord?

God bless y'all! =)

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RAMBLING

"For every generation, the previous generation will say, 'Ah boy arh, if I were born in your age, the girls would've been soooo easy! Compared to my time? You guys are lucky!'. Unfortunate reality,"
- Dad

Which is true, people get more and more promiscuous as time goes on, not less and less. The world constantly becomes more "open-minded" and indulges in various sins. Orgies aren't a new thing, neither is bukkake or BDSM or anything people believe are new fangled things. Child-slavery, cannibalism? Had 'em long ago. Murder? Lies? Betrayal? Every horrible thing that's imaginable to the human intellect has and will be committed, and the only things that makes people go, "Well, we're better/worse thna before," is technology, which gives us brand new ways to toture, kill, and get away with our crimes.

In as much as our capacity for good is extended, the capacity for evil is increased two-fold. Because the closer we draw to the light, the darker our shadow grows, but we mustn't forget, we live in a world of darkness, and we have an eternal hope in our hearts for a place where the light comes from everywhere and nowhere. That's paradise: The absolute presence of light without lack

God bless y'all!

#&$*!!!

2010-09-24T08:42:00.003+08:00

I feel like laughing, dancing, jumping, listening to good songs, playing my guitar, going for a run, AND taking a super-duper long hot shower, all at once... K, anyone know if this is possible at all? =P

It's not that I'm happy, it's not that the pain has stopped, no no, absolutely not, I'm not sure if I want the pain to go away. Naomi was such a huge part of my JC life and my spiritual development, she's also the first real girlfriend I've ever had. First time I'd go out to meet her just for no reason, first time I bought anyone a gift, first time I wrote a song about a girl (unfortunately it never got to being complete), first time a girl gave so much to me and I gave so much to her, it was a totally incredible relationship of caring, giving, sharing... And sometimes taking more than we should have. It had happiness, it had bitterness, and it was so multi-dimensional and complex I was left with nothing but three words for her that put every pain into context: "I love you,"

And I meant them! Every word I spoke! I meant it when I said I believed we could last till we got married (AND BEYOND!!!), and I think all these reasons are why I feel reluctant to let go of even the pain of her memories: They mean sooooo much to me.

She was literally a whole planet to me, and all the world could suck it as long as I had her. Even after we broke up she was Sirius in the sky, and all other stars could just suck it in the magnificence of her memories. Now, I've finally gotten over the memories and pain, vaulted over them like a high-jumpin' pole, taking me several hundred times before I could clear it, but I finally have... Perhaps all that's required for true peace sometimes is the experience of absolute chaos and pain

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Weird experience. I no longer think of her when a love song plays, I no longer have to see her face everyday (yes, I used to just... never mind, creepy-stalker-ish thing), and now... This very first morning after such a painful day of revelations and the like... I'm up, blogging, listening to love songs once more, and this time the thoughts that pass through my head are: "Wonder who she is, this girl God might have planned for me. Guess I'll just wait it out,"

Gifts that don't cost are left-overs. How much more must I cost before I can be a suitable gift to another?

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Memories are made every second, every day... It'll take awhile before I can make new memories to cover old ones... Maybe... Okay, I have a crazy plan to get over them that just might mutilate my mind or else totally cure me, I guess I'll go carry it out one day when I have the time...

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Thanks, Mei Ting, for carin' enough to tag my board when I was in pain, the tag really really gave me a lot of hope. Thanks for taking time out of your busy schedule that includes Victor and studying and the like, so thanks!

Thanks, Xiang An, for understanding the pain and trying to help out. Dude, your words really really got me through some things

Thanks to God... Definitely... I now see that all this was part of a better plan, and sometimes He truly allows trials and pains to refine us till finally our forms just settle into the gold bar He was aiming for all along

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God bless y'all!!! =)

Empty

2010-09-22T23:15:00.002+08:00

I feel so emptied, so stripped of all things happy and sad, chaotic and peaceful, a physically exhausted shell with a heart numbed. Apparently... Well, I'm not a snitch, and I can't confirm who reads this blog, so I'll use this paragraph as a reference to a specific memory. But more to the point it hurts that sometimes no matter how trying the circumstances, how terrible the situations, a person's base character doesn't change somehow. It'll take something life-changing-ly horrible or wonderful for such a change to occur... And something in me just weeps now because I wish, oh fuck I wish, something would move her heart and soul and mind...

DAMN IT LAH! The feelings are gone, replaced by an overwhelming sense of disappointment, and as I sift through memories that once made my heart ache, they now feel so hollow. What the hell?! Where's the happiness in the smile? Where's the soul in the songs! WHAT THE FUCK LAH!!! DAMN IT!!!

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Shit... I'll curse and swear all I want now, because on top of this horrible thing, the Army has decided to screw around with us. People get to book out at 4pm tomorrow while us failures get to sweat and bring back MORE DIRTY LAUNDRY TO DO at 7pm! Gee, THANKS FOR FUCK, damn shit. And next week just gets better and better...

Bloody shit... What the hell is wrong with me... What happened to spirituality, peace, and all that crap I was spouting?! Where's the joy and song, where's the comforting presence of God! All I feel is weariness, disappointment, and anger, heaps and heaps of... Ah, forget it...

Forget it...

I think I'm emo-ing liao (EDIT: SOC Reflection)

2010-09-19T23:31:00.005+08:00

Sigh... Wait, this blog is meant for personal usage, for me to blurt out all that overflows from my heart, right? For goodness sake, of late I've been tampering down on everything I've wanted to say, trying to redirect my energies into an obviously more productive course, but the process of channeling the energy is so frustratingly difficult, especially when the momentum pulls it in another direction!

Thanks, Xiang An, really it encourages me that another brother from another mother's and lovin' the same Father is going through the same kinda pain as me. Unfortunately, I'm neither strong nor very smart, I think I'm not letting go of this anytime soon.

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Mutually exclusive, a term which means that two things have nothing to do with each other in any way. Perhaps this is the case for my heart? It's tired of being lonely, and it's still hurt from the previous relationship I had. Mutually exclusive issues? Probably. It's sick of being lonely and wants to take the easier way out, by going back to familiar grounds, and also it believes that it can heal the wound that still throbs with a familiar pain...

Yeah right. She's different, so am I, these aren't familiar grounds anymore. The pain won't go away, because it knows that going back will just create new problems.

I just gotta keep reminding myself why we broke up in the first place, what drove me to perform such a ridiculously painful act that still stings till today... To remind myself that it was all worth it...

She ran away from home, you struggled with your faith...

Well, there's that...

You drew further from God, you lost your best friends...

Okay, sure...

You're now stuck struggling through what is so far the most difficult part of your early 20 years of life, and you're alone...

Well, I-

Leettt's not forget that she basically had her life screwed over almost immediately after you guys broke up, AND all this crap started happening... When?

... Crap, I need to stop self-arguments that I lose against. I'll go Bible-study and reflect and pray and something... Anything that'll get this pain out... sheesh...

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EDIT!!!

Failing the SOC, somehow there isn't a sting. It's pretty awesome, having the knowledge that all things are temporal takes away the sting of failure, but knowing that the Lord desires the best of us encourages us to do well. To do our best without fear of failure, and to be able to take failure without pain is just an incredible sensation. True freedom, to do everything with all power and strength, without fear, and that's the liberty of Christ.

Yeah, I say Christ and not religion, because the peace in my heart extends even to my character and inner life. Do I sin? Well, I know that I'm a terrible sinner, and now being made new in Christ, I gotta keep working at changing my bad habits. I don't need to live a morally acceptable life, because I've already been accepted, now all that's needed is for me to modify and upgrade heart to BE all that God has desired for me to be, because what was once impossible now is made possible.

Thing is, these are incredible strides in personal revelation, the way I'm living my life, my appreciation of life, love, family, and friends, and DEFINITELY I'm loving God more and more, recognizing His sovereignty over life, this world, and my own life...

So, I guess this relationship problem in my heart just needs... Time...? Hasn't enough time passed already?!?! Sigh...

Tired... But the physical exhaustion isn't the problem... I wonder if she misses me at all lol

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Memories... Everytime Naomi and I hung out the last time, she'd sometimes go, "Oh, so-and-so and I did this-and-that here," and stuff like that. Sometimes she'd look happy, other times she'd just have this odd expression on her face, kinda like she's hating reliving the memory. I'd usually laugh and say something that only now just makes sense to me:

"We'll make new memories,"

Somehow the importance of the statement is only hitting me now. We continually make memories, time is but a riverbed and we are the water that flows along it, leaving a trail, forever moving and looking forward...

K, exhausted from outfield, time for shut-eye. Nite nights y'all!
God bless y'all! =)

Statements From The Heart: I'm Stupid

2010-09-18T23:06:00.003+08:00

She speaks and is talking, sharing
Something about her, something about her friends
I nod and laugh, kinda listening
But I can't stay focused, everything's blurred

Lost in the way that smile dances lightly on her lips
Lost in the way her hair seems to flow like water, riding the winds
Lost in her scent, the soft touch of her skin
Her hands locked with mine, lost in those gorgeous
Hot-stuff, Asian eyes ;)

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Well, sometimes opening your heart, then flowing with the melody and thoughts that come out can be surprising. I opened mine and found memories overflowing, just jostling to get the hell out, eager to be sung. The words don't really rhyme sometimes, and rhythm is questionable at certain points, but the raw-ness of what came out affirmed what I knew was in my heart, and sometimes shocked me with stuff I never realized.

I guess my heart's lost itself in memories, time to fish it out

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Scolded by mom, and in the midst of the argument I said in frustration, "Look, you and I know that I'm very, very stupid, so these things will happen!"

Once again, statements from the heart can scare you. Somewhere, somehow, my self-confidence and belief in my own abilities has been shaken to the point where I actually think I'm stupid, actually believe I'm worthless and useless. It can be attributed to various reasons, some of which are self-induced during my delusion-ed "training" for a better character.

... I dunno, I'm really tired out to think and argue this out on my blog. Probably will be thinking about it sub-consciously over the next few weeks, when the Army tosses us into outfield activities and laughs as we roll in mud and bark like dogs

God bless y'all =)

Reflections Without

2010-09-16T20:50:00.005+08:00

The vomit on the grass couldn't be seen by the naked eye, thankfully, mostly I threw up water, which means I drank way too much, but ironically it would've meant I was well-hydrated. This is the first time i've ever completed the Army's Standard Obstacle Course (SOC), and damn, I'm so proud of it, and that disgusting spew on the floor is my proof of effort. Of course, I'm 1.5 minutes off the passing time, but I'm sure that with time it'll come around, but the incredible thing here is this: I fought hard and accomplished something that I had deeply believed was impossible. Where did this luck/strength come from?

Where did this tenacity to finish what I started come from? I cannot believe it's me, because anyone who knows me knows I'm a lazy lazy dog. No, I truly believe this is the Lord working through me, somehow, someway, He has built up within me some form of resilience, and this SOC completion is but the first of the fruits that I believe will spring up with time, praise the Lord, HALLELUJAH!

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"Seriously, you're too Christian-ish,"
"Dude, are you Christian?"
"Don't worry, I figured out you were a Christian a long time ago,"

YEEEESSSS!!!! Affirmative statements from others that though my life is messy, though I'm still struggling with sin in my life, though I'm trying to improve my character to get better, somehow the light of the Lord is shining out from me in some inexplicable way, and that just makes me sooooo happy, because it means as stupid as I feel, somehow I'm still a sort of mirror that does reflect the light of the sun.

Granted, I might be a crescent moon now, I'mma hopin' to be a full-moon one day.

0...0...0

Sigh... Naomi... Again. It seems that this is a topic that isn't gonna just go away on it's own, there's gotta be some kinda closure.

"CLOSURE?! The relationship's over, the case is closed, bro!"

Well, I know that. My dad posed a question to me the other day, "If she came back a different person, would you go out with her again?" I paused, odd, because I was sure my answer would've been an instantaneous "YESSSSS!!!!!"

Truth is, if she came back a different person, I'm not sure if we'd get along as well =P
... Things had to end for a reason, and even now I know the reasons. So my honest answer was, "No," and he nodded. It was as if he knew how difficult it was for me to admit it... But he still thought I was incredibly soft-hearted and silly.
But sometimes being lonely just feels so empty, that's when the pain strikes, and I gotta remind myself over and over, the reasons why...
But she seems perfectly fine now, messaging everyone she knows on Facebook, so I suppose that she's moved on. Really, what can we expect? She's 3 WHOLE YEARS YOUNGER than me! I'm just another picture on the montage of her life, nothin' more, somehow, that sits fine with me.

Odd then, why do I say everything's fine, but this topic keeps coming up?! What the hell is going on...

0...0...0

... Reflections are directed inwards, it's all about me me me me me... I wonder if this spiritual walk thing has been wrong. Maybe reflections within aren't what I require, but more on reflections of things that happen outside of me, the things that happen around me. Perhaps if I turned my attention to things around me more often, thinking deeper about how things work and how I've responded, it'll build a better character within automatically?

After all, we as humans are made to receive and give love, but our capacity for either is unlimited. We might as well give more and more, therefore, since entropy ain't gonna stop for us. No, it's gonna get worse, but the more love we pour out, I believe the longer we hold off the death of worlds, the death of humanity, the death of life itself, because then we are fulfilling what God has intended for all His creatures to do: To dance about one another, to meet each other's needs

In this self-absorbed and materialistic world, to give infinitely is a stupid thought, though it is a much proclaimed truth from the book of life itself. "Be smart," people will say, "You gotta have enough for yourself to!"

But what of full-time missionaries? Church-workers? Do they not receive everything that they have from others, while giving their all to the service of man and God? True, perhaps that's their specific calling, then you could just as well justify that our purpose then is to support these people and their work, thereby fulfilling our own God-given purpose and indirectly giving love to the world. Nicely done, I agree, but something about this whole argument just doesn't make sense to me... Needa think about it somemore.

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God bless, hope y'all are lovin' and livin' an awesome life!

Strange Things... Girls

2010-09-14T20:55:00.004+08:00

Ahaha, I wonder if anyone will read this, cos my blog has been so quiet of late... Then again, EVERYONE'S blog has been silent. Is it the exams? Army? Hmmm... I really should get back on the role-playing forums

Anyways, if you bothered to find this text, it was probably by accident, but hey, it's kinda like the "Secret Tower" in NeoPets, no? ... No?

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Did I say 'things'? I meant 'people', 'creatures', something along those lines. Ah well, leaving the title as it is will grab my attention when I'm surfing through old posts (I think I should start reviewing how my mind has progressed over the past 2 years...)

So, anyways, just looking through Facebook, saw that Naomi Chan has already contacted some guy called Nicholas from our church and I'm like, "Wow, why him?! WHY NOT ME!!!" The petty jealousy arises in my heart and I find it kinda funny, cos it doesn't feel genuine at all, cos it's made miniature by this weird peace in my heart. I know that this peace is from God, but I think part of it might be because I finally have a confirmation that she's alive and kickin', and I'm simply overjoyed. I don't really care anymore how she views me, doesn't really change how much she means to me

By this point, many friends and family members who read this part will roll their eyes and go, "Come on, Shane, get over her already!" Fine fine! I'm over her, I've got no time in the Army to pursue any sort of relationship but have PLENTY OF TIME to wish that I could. Just one last problem remains with this girl and her memories that needs to be rid of: Everytime I hear the word 'girlfriend', I think of her. I wouldn't want to end up like Ross and Rachel and that little "wrong name" incident
(Fans of Friends! Time to start revising the series!)

But seriously though, people, friends, family, readers of this blog, I'm perfectly alright and settled and at peace with my life now. A little jittery cos I have dreams and plans I wanna get started on, but that's about it. In the words of one of my bunk-mates, "I was single, but then I decided to start being AWESOME, and I've been awesome ever since,"

Still, I wouldn't wanna be awesome for the REST OF MY LIFE...

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Pray for Chesed, people! He's somewhere on this God-formed Earth going through the 2nd toughest course the entirety of the Army has to offer, and he's not even properly Singaporean =P

JCC, the infamous Jungle Confidence Course. Please pray for him for strength, peace, and abundant joy to last him through the harrowing experience. Sure, thousands of Officers have been through this course, but that doesn't make it any less difficult, yes? So please, keep him in prayer, and may fear never enter into his heart

Darkness is the absence of light... Fear is the absence of peace... That without love, what would be in it's place?

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Another pressing problem is another close friend of mine who's leaving for studies overseas soon. Now, conveniently her flight's been changed such that I couldn't see her off even if I wanted to anyways, so it's a small mercy from the Lord that the decision's been taken from me. But the temptation to call her is always on my mind, just to say one quick good-bye or SOMETHING, ANYTHING at all to her...

By now my family will be rolling their eyes. Once again, this friend of mine has caused several problems for me and left scars on my heart that need a little time to heal, but it wasn't that long ago when I would've easily said, "I'd do anything for her," and meant it, fully believing that she'd echo similar sentiments... A best friend, if you will. It's a shame that it wasn't that long ago either that she revealed it was an empty dream

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Man, I have too much free-time in the Army huh? Nah, you gotta make time, always. But I'm feeling heaps better now that this 6-week cough/flu is disappearing. One more day and I should be back up to speed, hopefully.

K, let's bounce on. God bless y'all!

Went For Singing Course!

2010-09-11T22:44:00.002+08:00

Yay! One part of one of my dreams has been fulfilled! ... Seriously, only one part of the one dream has been fulfilled, because I could only attend 1/3 of a singing course that my dad had helped to organize. Hopefully next time I can attend the full deal, but for now I'll contend with the flu and cough with a whole day of sleeping, and playing Kingdom Hearts Birth by Sleep (which totally ROCKS!!!)

But what did I learn in that one day? How to project your voice, vocal warm-ups, but most importantly it was how to perform. Yes, I've learnt how to perform, but I'm not a good performer yet, on account of I haven't done a performance ever since I've learnt how to perform. Aha, made sense, didn't that? But all the stuff I've learnt about meaning, experiencing each word and phrase, living out an experience through song and lyrics was just phenomenal (seriously, this woman analysed EVERY WORD)

When an expert who has worked with geniuses like MICHAEL JACKSON, WHITNEY HOUSTON, AND MORE teaches you stuff like that, I guess you should listen (she was really humble though) [but she called 'cleaning up' the place 'zen-ing' the place... odd...]

So one example of her extraordinary teaching techniques (I obviously can't share them ALL here) was this: A girl picked the song "My Heart Will Go On" by Celine Dion. The girl's name was... Erm... Joo... Something. We'll call her JS. The teacher's name was Deborah... Erm... We'll call her Deb.

Deb: So, the opening lyrics of the song are:
"Every night in my dreams
I see you, I feel you
That is how I know you
Go on,"

Deb: So, JS, who would you sing this song to?

JS: My mom

Deb: Wonderful. So, I want you to visualise night-time. What do you think of when you think of night?

JS: Erm... The stars?

*I'm gonna cut a lot of the process she did here and skip to the really interesting bit. She did A LOT of analysis prior to where I'm taking you*

Deb: Alright, now, JS, I want you to lie down on the floor. Close your eyes. Good, now, I want you to visualize your mom, and I want you to sing those lyrics.

(JS sings and hoy boy she can SING bodo...)

Deb: Wonderful. See, you really EXPERIENCED the words, "Every night in my dreams,"

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Hmmm... That part went on for a little excessively too long. Here's a secret block of text that you can only read if you highlight it out!

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Okay, that was a really tough message to type, hope y'all read it thorough and good. I really bore my heart out on that one. Speaking of which, I just played through two songs, "I Stand In Awe Of You" and "Draw Me Closer". Here're the lyrics for the second song:

DRAW ME CLOSER

Draw me closer, closer than ever
To know Your heartbeat, to hear Your voice
Let every hindrance fall to the ground
At the name of Jesus, our Saviour

This is my deepest desire
This is my soul's desperate cry
Jesus, You alone satisfy
Nothing in this world will do, but You

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Powerful, powerful lyrics. Just repeating the verse over and over leads to a spontaneous break-out into the chorus, because it's such a simple tune, such a simple song, it just pumps a strong desire for God through the heart, soul, and spirit. To hear more of this song, do visit the Church of Resurrection near SAJC/in Potong Pasir, and look for anyone there who knows any church staff member. The guy who wrote this song is awesome, he's very well-known in the church (right? I dunno)

*ahem* Anyways, it was just such an amazing experience once again. I haven't read the Bible in awhile now (and I really should), and I'll get to doing it, BUT the power of music was important for me to rediscover.

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Music, a powerful platform to express individuality, but also a very clear mirror into our own hearts. I find it encouraging that when the trainer Deb asked us to think of a song to sing, all I could think of was worship songs, though I know loads of secular songs. Music is controlled by emotion, and emotions are affected by music, , they go hand-in-hand. That's why to make a conscious effort to change your tastes in music can really change your life. When I made the decision to turn my dry attitude into one of worship, I went straight for "I Stand In Awe Of You", and hey, I got my heart for God back into gear (emotionally anyway. Intellectually I'm always chasing)

When we're angry, we listen to angsty stuff. Sad? Heart-broken melodies usually flood our MP3s then. Love-sick? Awww, tons of love songs will flood our phones. Heck, even Korean/Jap/Chinese love songs enter into our lives just because their melodies just fit into our hearts so well.

So it's no surprise I've been listening to love songs for so long. I feel lonely, alone, and yet I listen to worship songs all the time because I feel this deep connection with God. Well, it's not exactly the best of relationships, but I can choose for it to be, just wait and see.

So what music do you listen to? What moves you? I hope you reflect on this. Maybe even post a comment? Yes, that'll be awesome =)

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Man, I'm desperately sick... I hope my body holds up for the Army. Keep going, we only live one life, we only die once. Let's go, every day's an awesome experience!

God bless y'all =)

I Wonder If Sammie Will Read This Post

2010-09-06T18:46:00.002+08:00

We shall look at the tagboard and see =P

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OI SAMMIE PRINCESS, THIS POST IS YOURS HOR:

Unfortunate reality of life: We grow up. When we're kids, we can't wait to grow up (actually, I never did, but I hear that's what everyone does), but when we're older, we wanna be kids again (well... Yeah)

Youth is a state of mind, a choice of heart, a decision of attitude, and a bunch of other things that make me sound like I know what I'm talking about! We can choose to be Youthful and Young always, but as time goes by and experience comes to play, sometimes that choice seems to be taken away from us. We become wary, hardened by the world, made cold by circumstances and past hurts. Scars that itch and burn never leave our hearts, and as often as happy memories arise so too do the painful ones. But hey, the choice is still ours, because though we're called to be as cunning as snakes, we're also called to be innocent as lambs, for we are like sheep amongst the wolves, and if we keep thinking like wolves just to stay alive, eventually we'll become the wolves. Hmmm... Where's the balance?

It's up to us to define ourselves, our own reality. If you ain't happy cos you think you ain't a 'lil girl (or boy) anymore, do something about it. Do things that make you happy, not temporal happiness, but true eternal happiness. It's possible to remain a little girl always, I believe so, because I believe it's possible to stay a kid always (look at me!). After all, in the eyes of God, we're only gonna be kids. No matter how much you grow up, you're gonna be a kid somewhere in someone's eyes.

Oi, Sammie, if you read this post, this entire darn thingy is for you hor. I figure you liked this drama once, so here's a nice vid I found:

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I had a bunch of other things to type about but since this post is dedicated to Samantha Lim I guess it ends here.

... Yeah right, I never had anything to blog about. Odd huh, how boring life has been... I have so much I need to do but I'm not really doing much of anything... After this I'm probably getting my cards out and will start working on cardistry once more. I gotta start learning stuff, start exploring and getting stuff done. I feel so stoned, like there isn't a reason to turn the com on anymore, that it's the force of habit keeping me here. Yeap, that's probably it. Man, I really need a hobby...

God bless y'all =)

Dance!! Stuff I Wanna Learn

2010-09-04T23:26:00.003+08:00

Shuffle, crip-walk, gliding/sliding/floating... Interesting stuff that a relative of mine, Kor Jian Lin, showed and intro-ed to me. Sure, I've seen Clarence doing a little shuffling in the bunk, but it looked like he was just starting out too, cos going on YouTube and watching tutorials on how the stuff is done, though it appears simple, loads of practice seems to be required for this.

Naomi Chan:
Oh, my friend's trying to teach me shuffling now
(several months ago, after she ran away from home)

Hmmm... I wonder...

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Kor Jian Lin says I need a life, do something interesting. Get outta the house and start living life, rather than waste away in front of a computer. True enough, I was actually agreeing and nodding my head with him on all those points. Till he said, "Dude, get a girlfriend,"

Huh, GET a girlfriend? Girls aren't items, aren't trophies to be won by smooth words and slick moves, not by charm nor by you looking good. Girlfriends are girls you genuinely believe you might marry one day, and you just wanna find out if your hunch and hers were right. Dating is for finding that kinda girl, so maybe that's what he meant, but even so, to say that one should 'get' a girl is a horrible mindset drilled into the heads of this generation. People think of getting, but never of giving, never of sharing.

I'm not over-reacting, relax, I'm not outraged or incredibly enraged, I'm just making an observation. Besides, where on earth would I GET a girlfriend anyways? I'm not interested in clubbing or pubs and stuff like that. Nor am I part of a class or group, and I sure as anything can't aim for a girl in church. At the moment, none are interesting, neither am I close friends with any of them. I'll just find something else to do.

Here's a bunch'a things I wanna learn:
- Driving
- Singing
- Writing
- Guitar-playing
- Cardistry
- Dancing

Kekeke... Silly huh. Well, I figure if I go with things I'm already good at, what's the point in learning? Go learn something that I probably suck at. Dancing? Everyone says I can't dance, so why not learn to do it right? Singing and guitar-playing are things I really love, so why not get it right and do it properly? Cardistry was an incredible art introduced to me by Oliver, so why shouldn't I continue to learn?Driving... Well, it's a skill.

Well, I got tons of things to do, gotta get busy. On top of all this I'm in the army, sigh... God bless y'all!! =)

Awesome Stuff: ASLC, Naomi (Chan), Music

2010-09-03T19:45:00.002+08:00

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I hate 28km Route March muchly, hate hate hate...

"Why the hell do we have route marches?!"

"What do you mean?"

"We learn to shoot to kill enemies, makes sense. We do PT to get fit, makes sense. We walk 28km from a site to the battleground to be completely exhausted and become target practice for enemies. HOW DOES THAT MAKE SENSE?!"

"... It's training for girlfriends. Next time you carry over 20kg of bags and walk up and down Orchard Road. Relevant training!"

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By the 8th kilometer you're thinking, "Why don't I just fall-out? What's the worst that can happen?" And your weariness literally makes any major punishment look like chicken-feed compared to the pain of the present moment. If it wasn't for the grace of God I would have given up a long time ago and not completed the thingy.

Hell, there was one point of the march where if I tried to stretch my thighs, my hamstrings cramped up, and vice versa. Scary stuff... But I completed it, so mission accomplished! But I quote a fellow company-mate: "Don't feel a sense of accomplishment leh... You?"

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"Lord, I worry about her all the time. I feel a stirring, I really wanna reconnect with her again, just to know if she's alright, if she's happy, if she's cool. Does she read my blog still? That'd be cool, but weird, I mean, I hope she has her own life and is living it with purpose and meaning, not just jumping from one thing to the next. It's been so long, no one has had contact with her... Should I message her via Facebook?"

Just as I pray about this for the whole week (intensively. I used to pray about it every night), she suddenly becomes active once again on Facebook, and some part of me heaves an enormous sigh of relief... SHE'S ALRIGHT! And my bet's that she's happy! I don't know, I probably won't ever know since she doesn't wanna talk to me. Why else would she contact Nikki (some dude on Facebook), instead of me? Duh right?

I clasp my hands and pray a thankful prayer. I don't need her back, no no no, God knows I can't handle a relationship yet, and I've yet to develop my character fully. But at least I know she's still alivin' and a-kickin', and that brings me so much happiness, though I can't logic a reason why.

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So, got into ASLC. It isn't as slack as Medic, nor as relevant as I would like it to be to the civilian world like Military Police (MP), but it's a decent vocation, so I'm not complaining. Fears I had of the vocation were dispelled by my relative in Guards and my father who was a Sergeant in a unit. Something my dad said made me burst out laughing at the reality of his statement:

"There's pain and suffering in this world! Accept it! Otherwise, why would we need Heaven? Why would we need to go there?"

... The statement actually speaks volumes. Love my dad. Love my mom, love my sis, love God, love the friends that surround me, love music, love games, love love and life and the awesome-ness of the environments I'm surrounded by. All sufferings will cease, all tears will be wiped dry, eventually, all pain ends, but the memories of joy and happiness and peace will always remain. Darkness can never exist for long, because it is merely the absence of light, not an entity of it's own. And there is a light that one day will come from all around and penetrate all, so that not a speck of darkness will remain, and love will reign.

But for now... I'm content with my lot. I think this is an incredible feeling. Praise the Lord. God bless y'all =)

Randoooooommmmm

2010-08-29T21:55:00.003+08:00

When people ask, "Where'd you learn to dance?"

"... MRAZ!"

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Taste the Rainbow! (several times, but first is at 0:34, I think)

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People have had to go to the hospital because of how cute this thing is... HORRIFYING!!!

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Prettiest Actress EVER, full-stop!

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Best song from the game I've been waiting for ever since last year or theyear before! KINGDOM HEARTS: BIRTH BY SLEEP!!!

Anger, Sleep-Walking, Case For Christ, Gaby

2010-08-28T16:02:00.003+08:00

It's weird that Jessica from SNSD speaks with a very pronounced American accent. Or maybe it's not weird, considering how they must've learnt English, no? Hmmm....

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ANGER

Scolded by someone for an unreasonable reason, anger swelled in my heart as I prepared to retaliate. Closing my eyes and opening my heart, I realize that it's not about proving that I'm right, nor about proving my innocence. What rights have I? What right do I have to prove I'm clean, when I know that I'm a sinner, and as much to blame for so many things? Yes, truly I should...

"God DAMNIT, Shane! You know what the fuck's your problem?!"

... Okay, that's it.

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Then, after defending myself and justifying my actions, it becomes inexplicably clear: When someone's pissed with you, no point reasoning, no point explaining. Simply accept their vented anger and let things be as they are, knowing that only the Lord may judge and be angry, not my friend, not me, but only God alone. It's not about controlling anger, rather, it's recognising you have no right to be angry ever, at all, because... God's God, ya know?

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The Case For Christ

Fascinating book. First, he verifies if the Gospels have been properly preserved, were they historically accurate, based on other ancient sources that are considered reliable, and if they hold any credibility when compared against other ancient literature.

Passed? K, next, he verifies the events of the Gospels themselves, could they possibly have happened, based on what outside sources say? (Yes, several Roman historians actually recorded events that link up to the Gospels)

Then, having verified the Gospels are credible, what about this Jesus? Was He mad? Is there evidence of an empty tomb? Evidence of His resurrection?

... There's more, but I haven't gotten there yet. But something my agnostic friend said really slammed my heart:

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"Christians insist that theirs is the only way to Heaven, that everyone else's going to hell. It pisses me off, because most Christians don't know their own religion and facts. Moreover, how could God condemn nearly the whole of humanity to suffer forever?"

"... Erm, don't all religions insist that theirs is the exclusive way to Heaven?"

"Nope, most religions are merely ways of life, sharing info on how to live a good life. And even if they did, they're never as forceful as Christians are,"

"... Wait, but isn't the very definition of religion that it answers the three main questions: How did we come to be, why are we here, and where do we go from here?"

"Bull, that's a Christian definition of religion! The original definition of religion..."

"... Is...?"

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I'll stop here, cos I can't remember what my dear friend said, and I wouldn't wanna paraphrase his very clever arguments. But what he says is true. Most Christians don't really care about others or the fact that they'll go to hell, they're just happy to say, "If you don't believe our message, you'll burn! But I'mma not gonna burn, ain't that AWESOME?!"

Unfortunate that we're all "a victim of a selfish kinda love" (Michael Jackson- Man in the Mirror)

As Christians, as a believer of any religion actually, it's our job to learn about what we believe in, to know the facts, to be open-minded when people confront us so that we don't come across as hard-headed pricks, but as people who are genuinely concerned about the world. If you aren't, become one. If you are, then make sure your behaviour reflects your heart!

It's something we've all gotta learn. Something I've gotta learn, big time. Join me in the journey, friend?

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Gabrielle Megan

Yay, she's finally got her blog back up and running again. Once more, good luck and God bless in all your endeavours, don't give up eva =)

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Sleep-walking

Karthik: Dude, I saw someone walking around my side of the bunk last night

Everyone: Dude... That's weird...

Samuel: Hey, Shane, what time did you wake up?

Shane: Er... 4:30am?

Samuel: ... No... I hear your locker slam, then I got up, looked over the wall, saw you walking out the door. Must've been... 12am or something

Shane: ... Karthik!

Karthik: Yes?

Shane: Good news, it wasn't a ghost! Bad news... I think I might've been sleep-walking

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Hmmm... Sleep walking... Possibly a sign of spiritually unsound activity? Could it have been me that my sister saw 'sleeping' on the couch those nights 6 years ago? Could it be that Club Moriah was right, that truly I have something wrong with me, spiritually? If so, does this mean that's been stopping me from drawing closer to God?

Can't be, if there was a demonic presence upon me, why would I so desire to seek the Lord? How can darkness reside in light, if truly I have accepted Christ and the Holy Spirit dwells in me? Hmmm...

Karthik: Now, Shane, don't be ridiculous. People usually sleep walk because part of their brain won't shut down. They're usually thinking really hard about something, or they're stressed up. It ain't nothing to worry about.

Hmmm...

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Such an interesting week... God bless y'all!!!

Music, Song-writing, Oldies

2010-08-21T21:47:00.005+08:00

INSPIRATIONAL SONG (Post-Post Edit):

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I got a bunch of posts from my journal this week in Army, but I'm just gonna write this one post on the fly and digitalize the rest of the hard-copies later on. Just realized how weird it is that I rediscover Crystal Liu Yi Fei just as Hannah just happens to pop up and say hi. I honestly believe that she's one of the prettier girls I know, and I find it creepy that she shares many similar physical traits as my favourite actress: Long flowing hair, real fair skin, petite/skinny build, above average height... Hmmm... Wait, now that I think about it, it would make sense that I'd find her pretty since my template in my head for pretty would be somethin' like that, no?

Moving on

Watching videos of SNSD, Jason Mraz, Planetshakers, and I come to wondering why I always feel so anxious that I've only ever written 2 songs in my live, both praising the Lord. Sure, I've done many impromptu songs that've shocked people cos they thought I wrote 'em out (flattering compliments), but to actually pen down and crystallite my emotions and inspirations is something that I haven't done for a very long time. Maybe I'll start writing songs to get inspirations flowing? To get life going? I recognize that they usually go hand-in-hand, but the gift of playing and loving music doesn't automatically give you the gift of song-writing.

Ah wells, the Lord's will.

Been looking for new music, new sounds, do a little exploration. Should I dive into Indie? I've given Korean music a shot, it ain't half-bad past the act-cute-ness of all the girl-band videos. Mraz is a genre on his own, and now as he finds a new sound for his new album and dives deeper into music, it's really cool to see an artist at work. Maroon 5 should be coming up with new tunes now, and I'm also re-listening to the music of the 70's to the 90's, when the good stuff was playing on the radio.

"The Bee Gees", "Air Supply", "Chicago", Bryan Adams, Peter Cetera, Rod Steward, all the power-houses of the era were all within those three decades and blowing the minds of everyone. Does today's music compare to it? No, of course it can't, because that would be like comparing the sound of a guitar to the sound of a piano. Everyday, every second, music evolves as we evolve and grow, and even old songs change as the days flitter past. Today's music is more R&B, speaking many messages of one-night stands, clubbing, dancing, having fun, banging every person you meet (for the lucky and the handsome anyway)

But there's also an underlying current of loneliness, want, a desire for something more. It's subtle, but why can I hear it in every song that I hear? Maybe I'm listening through spiritual ears! (humour me) Fresh artists like Taylor Swift and Jason Mraz bring a breath of acoustics back into this electronically pumped musical generation, and that's probably why I love 'em so much, how accessible their music is to almost anyone who wants to learn.

Like, check out this SNSD video. Why does this tune feel so upliftingly cheerful? And listen up to Jason Mraz's first lines in the vid:
"... here to make some music, here to learn a little bit about rhythm, learn a little bit about life,"

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"Searching for a melody, for me, is a bunch of scatting, ooh-ing ah-ing, making sounds and syllables in random shapes. And then through that, I see what their shapes are trying to say and what words are trying to come out,"

Age-old question: Which comes first in a song, melody, or words? Well, people often forget there are four components to a song, taking into account the more noticeable two only. There are so many parts of a song but to me, there are four main components (and I'm throwing all my musical theory out the window here): Words, Tune, Rhythm, Heart. The Heart of the song is so important, because the spirit and attitude with which you write a song plays such a huge role in how it turns out, and it shows so deeply. How could I know? I've seen Kelvin Chua, Christopher Chan, Dallas and the songs they've written... Effort, thought, heart, and a humble and thankful and joyful attitude they've poured into their songs, and it carries on to the melodies and lyrics through and through.

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Sigh... Something about music just touches the soul, no? Let's toss in another bunch of oldies, just for memories =)

Love In Disguise, Air Bender!

2010-08-14T17:52:00.004+08:00

"Tsk, why are you always looking for a girlfriend? Just enjoy your friends la!"

Yes, sir/ma'am!

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Love in Disguise = Mediocre story-line (some people actually think it's horrible), and... Well, I'm not exactly a film critic, so I can give any good remarks or anything substantial. All I know is, the movie was only made worthwhile because there are TONS of scenes where Liu Yi Fei is in it giving a beautiful smile!

Ahhh... But watching movies like this is bad for health, especially cos I'mma single person. Feel good but... Hmmm... Patience, young padawan... Besides, I've got loads of things now to keep me busy, and adopting this new attitude and embracing this life is keeping me awesomely content, so no worries on anything. Yet.

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K, off to watch "The Last Airbender", hopefully it does the series some justice...

AND NO IT DOES NOT! DO NOT WATCH THIS STUPID MOVIE!!!!!!!!!!

Seriously, the fight scenes in this movie are on the 3/5 standard only, 5/5 for the special element bending effects. If you want awesome story + awesome fights + awesome special effects ++++++ SO MUCH MORE, GO WATCH THE ORIGINAL ANIMATED SERIES!!!!!!!!

Ew ew ew ew ew...

Control Mouth, Learn To Be A Servant

2010-08-14T17:43:00.003+08:00

Went into the toilet, bumped into a guy.

"WHAT THE FUCK?!"
I turn and stare blankly. Did I do something wrong? ... Oh yeah, I brushed by him. Why's he so angry?

"Don't know how to say, 'Excuse me,' is it?!"

*don't get angry, he's an idiot. Just say, 'Sorry', and walk away...*

"Sorry, didn't know you were so sensitive,"

*[cringe] Oh crap oh crap oh crap...*

"Huh?"
"Dude, he was just trying to suan you only la,"
"Chey..."

*phew*

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Thankfully, later, he doesn't even remember me. Scary, how my default is "smart-ass". Need greater control over my mouth. Lord, change me!

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Passed Signals tests and TSR test (at least), praise God!

Real servants do things to the best of their ability, and don't need a spot light. They serve faithfully and look out for opportunities to serve. E.g: Paul brought firewood for the ship-wrecked crew, even though he was probably more tired than anyone else in the group (he was apparently sickly). Very impressive stuff, but how is it applicable to my life? Where can I begin to serve? I already am tackling the "not giving my best all the time issue (with success so far, praise God), and I've spent the past 2 years avoiding the limelight and trying to serve in the background, so now I suppose it's time to simply serve where I'm good at!!!

... Where AM I good at...?

I enjoy/love...
- serving food to people in church
- teaching young kids
- helping out and chatting with old people (though most of the tieme I'm just listening since most of them only speak Hokkien, Cantonese, or some other dialect...)
- singing and playing the guitar, praying, leading worship
- taking part in Bible studies and discussions (haven't lead one before)

Hmmm... Sounds like I can go almost anywhere based on my likes. But what about my skills? Honestly, what am I good at? Where would my temperament land me up in? Guess it's time to do a survey and ask some tough questions to close friends and family. Here we go...

My Awesome Post on Life/MMORPGs!!!

2010-08-14T17:31:00.002+08:00

Life's very vaguely like an MMORPG, or should I say, MMORPGs try to be like real life. You've got training (classes), grinding/farming (mugging), music (music), quests (goals and objectives), side-quests (stuff you do for fun on the side that aren't compulsory), skills, economy, bla bla bla...

Primary->Secondary->JC/Poly->NS->Uni... The main quest arc in many Singaporean males (with the exception of some who travel on paths less trodden). The awesome thing about main quests is that they provide tons of side-quests within the main story arc that FORCE you to explore every aspect of the game (life). When you get lucky, you find a particular type of quest (activity/work) you love doing, a particular area you like to hunt in, and a party you'll usually do raids with (friends, family). All this is preparation for the ultimate quest at your max level: Free-roaming

After Uni (main quest), we have free rein. Based on the skills we've learnt, how we've developed, the quests we've chosen, the types of quests we like, we begin to search for a new "main quest" (job). It could be PvP, doing optional quests, training up others, etc.(a.k.a: Jobs) But it never lasts, because main quests from here on out never last for more than a few years (a.k.a: Jobs... Yeah). Sometimes we might have to spam quests that we hate, but what to do, that's part of the game (life....)

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At the end of it all, we are all but avatars to the Creator of the game, tailor made to fulfill a purpose in this game of life. At the termination of this round, He'll either say, "Well done, good and faithful servant!" or... Hmmm... Anyway, when all's done, we get a fresh start to a grand new game that'll last forever and keep going on, and keep getting better (maybe this time we'll actually have powers!!!)

Conclusion? If life's a game, then it will end. There's no /quit function, and every trial and hurt is there only to show us who we're choosing to be by the choices we make. Hard times don't build character, but reveal our true self., and our character is, in reality, moulded by the choices we make everyday.

Do I...
- raise my voice because I'm annoyed/tired?
- think about good/bad/dirty things?
- feel jealous of a good-looking guy/girl?
- indulge in loneliness/lust/slothfulness?
- speak at all? Will be words be that to build or to discourage?

Breaking Up The Posts: The Inner Me

2010-08-14T17:23:00.002+08:00

Breaking up my posts into readable, distinguishable bits. Starting with this...

Disgruntled. Thinking about Psalms 2, and I'm wondering how this is at all relevant to my life and how I can serve etc. Just that the Lord is King and always in control? Maybe that's enough reflection from that.

But more heavy on my mind is this inexplicable... Heaviness. It's like I don't have an objective, at all. After last field camp's "I Give Up" moment, I realize that it was a test that I've failed. The Lord puts us to the test, through the fire, to show us who we really are, and I think the uneasiness is because... I don't like who I saw. Deep inside, though still a "nice guy", I'm selfish, lazy, weak-willed, and the discovery of how deep an extent to which I'm a bitch is just depressing. Really bruising to my ego, that I would be so despicable. We aren't cast in stone, and humans are forever evolving creatures, and I know that "He who began a good work in you will be faithful and carry it on to completion in the day of Jesus Christ,". I guess I'm just impatient, and I feel ashamed that in spite of so many years of being a Christian and gaining knowledge, it all amounts to nothing without the right heart and a servant's attitude.

From the recent PDL reading, service is the essence of the Christian life. It ain't about "What Can I Get?!" but "What can I give?". It's probably just my spirit itching to go out and serve, to do something worthwhile

2 Week Post, Part 2, Shaken, Funny Thoughts

2010-08-09T16:50:00.002+08:00

SUNDAY
Super Ultra Nice DAY!!!

To continually change the way I think, to think in a Christ-like manner, to stay positive, to be mature and unselfish, it's all a really tough calling, requiring constant effort. It's something developed over time, and I hope I can accomplish it. First thing's first: To look at the Army with a positive mind. To enjoy the meals, have fun in the training, and not mind getting dirty for several days at a time.

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MONDAY
Mega Outstandingly Nice DAY!

Interval training, sprinted 3-4 rounds, then fell out, realized I was panicking because I felt the symptoms of asthma coming up. After recovering, I found myself oddly... Angry. With a new vigour, I did all the exercises perfectly. Looking back now, I realized it was a sort of self-loathing, born out of pride. Unable to meet a standard I set for myself, being pathetically bad at almost everything... Pride, my ego bruised, finding out I'm not as good as I believed myself to be, and thus pride leads to anger. Such a silly thing, that one should love oneself so much that he hates himself.

But thinking about it, it then makes sense to me now that if we love God, we will learn to love ourselves: To appreciate our short-comings, weaknesses, strengths, and in turn know ourselves. I'll continue to press on with a positive mind and with all my strength, not for my own edification, but for the glory of God.

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TUESDAY
Terrific Ultra Extreme Sweet DAY!!!

Need to bulk up!!! Get chest, get lower abs! Why? Vanity?! Well, why not? If you aren't satisfied or happy with yourself, lying about it to yourself only amplifies the problem. I'm not happy with who I am, or how I look, and looking at all the aspects it's all about discipline. So, on top of my already stepped-up effort to change my character and myself, it's time for some physical discipline as well. Besides, if I want a pretty/hot girlfriend/wife, then I should look good too, no? =P

According to the Purpose Driven Life book I'm reading, we should meditate on the Word of God, which means a completely different thing from what I thought. I thought meditation was putting a Bible in front of you, crossing your legs, and going "Ohmmmm...". Turns out you just think and reflect on a Bible verse. Simple (or difficult) as that!

Pslms 1. I find it interesting that 2 of the "bad" points are acts of inactivity. "Blessed is the man... who does not STAND in the way of sinners... or SIT in the sweat of mockers..." (Does this mean I need to be more active and start working hard? ... Yeap)

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WEDNESDAY
We Enjoy Diving Near Extravagant Swings DAY! (by this date I'm getting bored)

Clouds, dark ominous clouds. Yet, some gut feeling born of experience tells me there won't be rain anyway. Tired outta my mind, I pray for rain so that our morning of runs will be cancalled. The clouds linger, and the message I got was, "I am God, and totally in control,"

... Yessss... So why aren't you doing anything?!

I stop and stare, wondering why He doesn't just answer, and then I realize that this is part of character building, something being hammered into me this week. Will I still give my 100%, even when I REALLY REALLY don't feel like it?

"Fine, I got the message, God. You wanna see if I have built up character, or if I'm willing to change? Fine, I'll show You!"
Wait, why not just slack? Honestly, why try? Why prove anything?
"Just because! I'm a Christian, a soldier, and a boy desperately trying to improve himself, and I'll do anything to become better than I am!"

By this point, I've started up my aching body and am running with everyone else, and THEN it starts to rain...
*Dear Lord, now I know You're in complete control. I'll continue to give my best, just because. I know You're in control, blessed be Your name. In Jesus' name, amen.*

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THURSDAY
Today Heroes Unleash Recreational Sports DAY!!! (... Yeah, I know)

FRIDAY
Forever Relishing Ideas DAY!!!

... Field camp... Oddly enough, if you can believe it, though I'm weak-willed, lily-livered, and lazy, I've never properly given up before. I've never thrown in the towel, thrown down my sword, and always have pushed on in some way in every trial I've faced. I at least give some effort all the way up to the end (though no one in camp seems to believe this. They think I like to chao keng)

But in field camp this was the first I've ever experienced a true "I Give UP!!!" Digging a shell-scrape for 2 hours (with the wrong technique, or so my dad tells me), I barely scrap the Earth that the Lord did made, while everyone else powers into the ground like their arms are each a "Bob the Builder". In the middle of the night, I continue to press on, but my efforts seem to be in vain. "Lord, give me strength! Help me out here! Lord, please be with me here!" And still I push, but still nothing seems to get done.

Christian doctrine tells me to keep going, that God is with me, and all I need to do is put in my 100%. But finally something inside me snaps and, no longer caring if people yell and scold me and punish me, I throw my Entrenching Tool aside and whisper, "I give up,"

A cold wind sweeps over my body, and several minutes pass in absolute silence, as if the universe is leaning in close, waiting to see if I meant what I said. I lie on the forest floor, uncaring, and in a few more minutes an order is passed on that we have to fill up our Shellscrapes, exercise cancelled for no explicable reason... But there is no feeling of relief, there's no sigh of comfort. There's no God's assurance there... It almost feels like this cold of the night is... Disappointment

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After what happened that field camp, I haven't prayed much, I haven't said much to Him. I'm not sure I understand why. Why am I so shaken by this? Aren't I supposed to be lazy?

You were supposed to be changed

So...

It means that they were all right. You never change

So this feeling is... Despair?

Like you've resigned and accepted your so-called fate. I think all that more you need to return to God for more strength to get past this barrier.

... People might think it weird that I have inner-conversations, but it helps me think, no?

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Kk, God bless y'all =)

2 Week Post, Part 1, Girl Problem + Reflections

2010-08-09T15:26:00.003+08:00

Ready? What you're about to read is a compilation of 2 weeks' worth of journalling, excluding many side thoughts I've kept up in my head (which have hopefully not gone over-ripe like a pear I ate)

Keep your socks up and tighten that belt, I'mma bet this is gonna be fun =)

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TUESDAY-
Silence, the ever present question in my head, "Where is God?" throbs in my brain. Moments where everything seems wrong, I wonder where He is, and in moments when everything's fine, I praise Him. It is a curiosity, why unlike so many others, I have never really questioned His existence. No evidence, no arguments needed, and I believe in Him. Does this make me stupid? Whilst others have extraordinary revelations and encounters with God, all I have are the testimony of others and nice little feats extrapolated from ordinary circumstances. Does this make me spiritually weak/immature?

Oddly tiring day, yesterday, navigation practice. Lectures for the whole of today and tomorrow. The next 2-3 weeks will be filled with lessons on battle, pretty cool stuff, so I can't wait. By now, weariness is not an issue, because I know every Sunday I can go to church and be refreshed... Except for next week, and now to cope with my heavy eyelids...

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WEDNESDAY-
3 out of 6 days, and my book-out is only for a few hours. I feel disgruntled, but not upset. Sure, I can't play com or sleep for as long as I want, but at least I'm OUT OF CAMP! Will I ever come to appreciate the Army...?

With Onemanga going down (NO!!!), I dunno where I'll go to continue reading Bleach. Pity too, things have been interesting.

Crush, an enjoyable feeling. To talk to her more and get to know her better isn't a crime, but I know I'm not ready, therefore I will simply enjoy this feeling and not do anything to let her know. I don't wanna do something stupid to destroy this feeling, it's nice, it's been... Actually, I dunno if anything will be as impactful as what I found 2 years ago...

To rejoice always, a lesson learned from the 'Daily Bread'. I keep thinking of music, of my last trip to the USA, and Bleach... Everyday it's only a few words on paper and then nothing more. Time to think is like a golf ball against the Earth when compared to the time to learn. Energy is exclusively used for learning military info and practicing it over and over and over... Eating and sleeping are necessary inconveniences to the Army for our training, but are wondrous luxuries to us. In fact, such privilleges can be stripped in an instant, but I can deal. The fact of the matter is that I've never gone 100% before, always choosing to perform the bare minimum and resting. "Sure, I can do without food or sleep, but why push?" I'd think. Time to change the mindset? Is this attitude the reason why I never excel? Hmmm... Duh

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THURSDAY/FRIDAY
Passed IPPT. 8th Chin-up was a no count, denying me my Silver and imprisoning me in camp from Friday night till Saturday afternoon for the rest of my 5 weeks in course for training... On one hand, I'm sure my fitness level and discipline level combined demands such a life for me to come out trained, so it's God's will for sure. On the other hand... MY WEEKEND!!! =(
Failed the TSR test, so did like, 96% of my company... I think. But the numbers don't make me feel better (as they shouldn't), 'cos the one standard I'm measuring up against is my own, and failing to meet the standards of the SAF was a s simple coincidence. Anyways, passing the navigation tests lifted my spirits, and reflections from the 'Daily Bread' really blessed me

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I wonder if she'll invite me to see her off. I wonder if I'll say 'Yes' or 'No'. I wonder why I wonder why, because what she did was... Shattering. The ball's in her court, or else it's out and waiting to be thrown in, or the game has ended. So many considerations, and not too long ago I would've trusted her with my life. Now, I'm not sure if anything she's said was ever true. Will it matter? I think life's moving swimmingly for now. I wonder why I wonder why I wonder.

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Life's all about living out your beliefs, choosing to give your best always and never giving a portion. All in, or nothing at all. I wonder if I can develop and maintain such a life transforming attitude, because though the rewards are great, it requires time and nothing but (wait for it...) HARD-WORK!!!

One Shot, One Kill, Character Building

2010-07-24T21:08:00.002+08:00

A self-imposed exile from a friend is easier to bear than to have one imposed on you. A conscious decision to be in discomfort is way better than an involuntary thrust into pain, so I experience, and so I blog...

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"DIARY" ENTRIES

Unease and discomfort, I realize that this sinking feeling in my gut is fear. Fear of how easily I threw away $30. A duffel bag (that I probably won't use), a polo-shirt (that I may never wear), and a torchlight (which... Okay, I need it to replace the spoilt one)

But... Monetary discipline, another exercise. And just like physical exercise, it is trained up by the right attitudes, and constant work. My fear is that when I finally do get my own pay, I will simply throw my money to the wind and live free... For a few days, after which I'd be bankrupt. So I suppose it is time for me to begin the discipline, to stop eating so extravagently every weekend, to stop watching movies too often and just become a pirate...

But wait! What of "Kingdom Hearts: Birth by Sleep"? Or "Assassin's Creed 2"? What is Jason Mraaz launches a new album?! Well, I guess I'll sacrifice a month of Saturday foods for such luxuries. Sufficient, I believe ^.^

But how did all this start? Well, everyone was raving about how they "need" a duffel bag, and so I followed along, because it is true, we will need it, but probably only for three occasions, after which, it becomes obsolete. Moreover, silly 'ol me bought the water-proof bag, which is apparently NOT water-proof and is not as durable as the cloth version. However, I sit here and stroke my bag, feeling the material, and reassure myself that is feels water-proof...

Then why is the cloth one more popular?
'cos I 'feels' lighter
'Is that enough to make it so much popular?
Er....
Hmmm...?
... Shut up, go away.

Edit: Later, I soaked my bag in water then put my dried hands inside, and the interior was totally dry in spite of the external soaking, so yay!

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I've started to write a journal in camp, this blog post is actually just a direct copy from the book. I'm trying to pen down thoughts during breaks for several reasons:
1. To improve penmanship and writing speed
2. To keep my brain alive
3. To find the feasibility of reflections and QT in camp
Which probably means today's a slack day, cos generally there's hardly enough time to even get a page out (I'm already on page two by now)

So, what keeps me busy at night?
- After last parade, one chin-up regime
- Kiwi both pairs of boots
- Bathe
- Laundry (one set of everything... Usually)
- Prepare for next day
- Call family if there's time
- Randomly call a friend (recently, been cutting on this)
I'm thinking, next week, I'll start bringing in the Purpose Driven Life book and my Bible. The mood my Bible puts me in, one of peace and calm, can be an addictive thing. I suppose the only reason I suffer from no withdrawal symptoms is cos I've been living in the flesh for too long, and our gentlemanly God will never compromise our free-will.

Just heard a "Freedom Song". Great feel, great lyrics. I think its' something we want, but can't really understand. Freedom. The ability to choose our circumstances? Or the ability to adapt? I think the Army, in spite of all its' regimentation, teaches us this strange freedom, the liberation from the chains of circumstance and into the infinite possibilities of life, of the love and grace of God.

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On Thursday morning I did something totally silly (worse yet, my OC now has a bad impression of me... I think), silly to the point that even when I sought shelter in my parents all the boards and nails came loose from the volcanic anger that came. Turning to God, I find nothing but silence (recently, He's been rather quiet)

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SNIPER INTERVIEW

A get-to-know-you session with many rumours of snipers being dispelled and many interesting facts about their training revealed. To become a sniper, you'd go through hell and come out with a calibre on par with Officers, but get the pay of a Sergeant... It's a matter of pride, not cash. One part of me hopes to get in, while another part of me (the lazy part) is resentful of the difficult training, but... Hmmm... Ah wells

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CHARACTER BUILDING

Incident on Thursday woke me up. Realized that my life has been a cycle of making mistakes, preparing to not make them, letting my guard down, and repeating the cycle. I'd make a mistake then go, "Okay, fine, I made a mistake. Throw me another test! Let me show you've learnt it!!!"

...

And then I wait...

...

... Wait...

...

... Hmmm... You know, maybe I'll... (let's his guard down)
*IMMEDIATELY FAILS AND SHOWS HIS CHARACTER'S FLAWS*
*FAILS TEST*
*MAKES MISTAKE AGAIN!*
*YOU LOSER!!!*

ARGH!!! One more time!!! One more time!!!

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And so we go... So we go...

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God bless y'all =)

Sleep All Day All DAY!!!

2010-07-17T10:29:00.004+08:00

"You know what I really hate? Waking up... Yeap, that's it. =)" - Jason Mraz

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"I used to live like every day were Sunday, now I gotta work like every day's friggin' Tuesday. But it's okay, it's not a normal job..."

12am, I'm in bed. 2am, I'm STILL trying to sleep. Using the air-con, I down the temp in my room till all the seals were barking in joy, and I went into hibernation, till the early morning rain saw penguins marching across the ceiling. Waking up at 9.30am, I wonder how on Earth I got my air-con turned off without getting up... Ah well

For SISPEC, the first week was slack. Every day was a series of lessons where we learn new equipments and stuff, coupled with a bunch of PT. Why'd this week feel like three though? I'm not sure, but I know that this is a standard way different from BMT. It's so much tougher that I'm actually frightened for the 8 weeks I'll be spending here, but it's cool, especially when I can find a suitable motivation:

Motivation:
"As long as I don't screw up, I can book out and be with my family and in Church, worship and play music, EVERY SUNDAY. Amen,"

The one thing that keeps me sane, Sundays. Love 'em. Used to love it tons when Naomi was still there, but now I love it heaps and bounds because I'm realizing that there's still lots for me to learn, and I get to play my guitar there to my heart's content, without me caring about what others think. (wait, just occurs to me that as a Christian I should be caring about how people view me a little, right? No? Nevermind)

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Realizing that just as Jason Mraz's songs are all based off the themes of freedom and love (a very 70's thing), the songs that make me feel good, that I love to sing, and that liberate me, are songs of God. Since God is love, I'd like to think that we're barking up trees that aren't too far from each other. I'm praying for his salvation. Oh yes, I am! Wouldn't it be cool if he did find Jesus and became a Christian? Now now, it's not that I want to impose my religion or ideologies on anyone else, that's very much against my ideals/beliefs. But it is simply that he is looking for truth, or believes that he has found the truth in his life, and he's 33 this year! I believe that I have found truth and am still open to researching, digging, and exploring this truth, and I will take everything in, accepting and internalising everything that agrees with the Word of God, which I believe is the infallible Word of God.

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*stretch* What else happened today...

DISAPPOINTMENT

Found out a friend told lies about me, which is really disappointing. I'm not sad, I'm disappointed, which is a very odd and subtle difference. Somehow, knowing that she lied makes everything a little more sensible, a little more real. Now I know that both of them were never true to begin with, and in the end... In the end, I'm not sure what to believe. I suppose this is a personal struggle for another time.

MOVIES

INCEPTION IS AN INCREDIBLE MOVIE!!! I will NOT talk about it here because it will spoiler everything but it is UBER cool and I LOVE it just like I LOVED SHUTTER ISLAND!

Despicable Me is a cute movie. Best characters are the minions, simple as that. Plot is simple, main villains and anti-heroes are simple, but the minions make everything worthwhile =)

NAOMI SOH/MEN SHING

Visited Club Moriah today, chatted with Men Shing and Naomi. Heart-warming, people I love and respect, I'm glad they haven't forgotten me, just as they will never leave my heart. I pray with all sincerity that they will fly upwards and onwards into the heavens by the wings of grace and forever remain in the favor and presence of God. Amen!

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"What is this song?! It's gay!" - Dad while he's listening to Jason Mraz's 'Make It Mine'

Now, I love my dad, and I respect him more than any human that ever was and ever will exist. And we're very alike in many ways, and share many similar likes and dislikes, but I have to disagree with him on this note. So I'm putting the song up here just because I believe in the message it speaks of:

What ever life throws at you, what ever happens to you throughout the day, everything is simply an experience. Take it, use it, grow with it, make it yours. Don't let the moment pass and let it go to waste.

Grab the bull in the China shop and toss it over your shoulder for good luck. God bless y'all =)

SISPEC LOH!!!

2010-07-10T19:49:00.002+08:00

*stretch & yawn* Yessss... SISPEC, Sergeant, and who knows what will I experience? Field camps, route marches, SOC, IPPT, the usual fare of BMT? More weapon-types to learn, learning about attack formations, perhaps? People will usually ask me after I tell 'em my posting, "Congrats! Is that what you wanted?"

Oddly enough, I don't feel any particular joy or resentment towards my posting, since I was actually hoping to get into CCI (Close Combat Instructor), which would've meant I would've earned way less cash, and I would have also been a lower rank. Now in SISPEC, it means that I could end up in very fierce or very slack vocations... Well, I suppose it doesn't matter. When I think of the plans that I have for my life after Army, when I think of all the experiences I've had OUTSIDE of the Army even when I was serving, I now believe that no hardship is of any consequence, and that I may as well push myself through anyway.

Have I said how I push myself for certain activities? I simply think to myself, "Bah, I could fall-out anytime, right? If I faint or have an asthma attack, they'll transport me to a medical facility, right? So why not push a little harder?" And then I continue through the activities even when I REALLY would rather just lie down and sleep.

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The lyrics are soooo powerful for this song. Do I have victories? Sure. Do they number like the stars? Nooooo... But they exist, and it makes me think... What an awesome thing. That no good thing I accomplish can be considered my own, but it is all to the glory of God. Is there anything bad about me? Yeah, that's me. Is there anything good in me? Yeah, that's God. It sounds sad, and to a certain extent I felt that way too, until I realize that all I am intended to be in this world is an instrument, by which glorious music and life is accomplished.

And if the Lord uses me to accomplish it, then all that is left for me to do is to enjoy the life, enjoy the music, and enjoy the happiness. Do I enjoy the pain? Oh why not! It serves as a stepping stone to further glories and accomplishments!

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The SFC, great family... I think that's that. They're the best thing that happened to me in JC.

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Which gets me thinking... If the SFC, with whom I spent so much time with, was able to tolerate my nonsense, what more my best friends, who left half-way? Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that they owe me a living and ought to have stuck with me, but then who is the real friend, the one who encourages and sticks by you, or the one who leaves?

The ones who spurred me on to study was the SFC, who encouraged me in my time of need and extended a helping hand many times when I was down. Rachel Ong, Samuel Stephens, Benedict Chua, Chesed, Samantha Lim, Loo Yee... Kelvin, Andrea, Angeline, Xiang An, Celine... So many names, so many faces, all my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ who saw through my weakness and powerlessness and helped me.

But then I look at Hilary now, I think of the trust that we shared... Is such a thing truly so malleable, shattered by a single incident? To be told repeatedly that she can't be a good friend because of what she did... It's something I find tough to accept. Have I not made mistakes as well, and hurt her too? Is it not part of friendship to forgive, forget, and move on? Well, it's also a part of friendship to trust, and Hilary claims she doesn't trust me. Hmmm... I wonder where I'm going with all this ranting.

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I feel happy meeting so many people this week. Samantha, SFC, Hilary, Johan, Jiayi Zafey, and of course, Rudi. Truly a blessed block leave, I think I'm ready for more sweat and tears. It's only for another 2 weeks, then I'm out to wash the sweat from my clothes every week. Even if I'm confined, bring it on, I know I'm not alone, I have the support of so many.

"In Christ alone, I place my trust
And find my glory in the power of the cross
In every victory, let it be said of me:
My source of stregnth
My source of hope
Is CHRIST ALONE!"

"Lord, You are always here with me
There is no changing God in Thee
You are the same, yesterday, and today, and forevermore!
Here on Your promises I stand
You hold the future in Your hands
My solid Rock, Almighty God
I worship You!"

And may my worship be my life, and may my life be a pleasing sacrifice that may serve as a reflector to the Light of God. I'm a flawed piece of work being moulded into perfection, I'm sure all I need is more time and heaps more effort

God bless y'all =)

POP LOH!

2010-07-03T20:56:00.002+08:00

The moment that I've been waiting for, 17 weeks of training and it all comes down to this... And the feeling's disappointing to say the least. After a tough 24km route march, we were met with a horrible rain that lasted from 2pm-6pm. Raining on our parade, our wet weather program was activated, but was poorly executed. By the end of it the parents were jeering, and I felt kinda bad for the officers. They've spent so long planning the event, only to have the weather come down hard on them, and because of that even their back-up plan couldn't hold up. Leaving Tekong after 17 weeks of training is a surreal experience. I can't believe I won't sit the ferry every week from now on, but then again, I CAN'T BELIEVE I WON'T SIT THE FERRY EVERY WEEK FROM NOW ON!!! w00t!!!

So have I come out of this very popular? No. Have I made new friends? Yes. Have I discovered that I have many aspects of myself I must change, even though it'll hurt? Yes. Have I discovered sometimes life is easier if I don't think and just be myself? Hell, yes. So, lessons learned, I hope that I'll remember them and apply them when I go to my next unit (which I'll only know 9th July)

Wanna thank a bunch of people who kept me sane this whole time:
- Mom, Dad, and Nicole. The main pillar of support
- God, another major pillar of support and sanity
- Hilary, for being a friend I can count on. I only hope I can one day be the kinda awesome friend to you as you are to me
- Johan, very awesome guy

Platoon-mates:
- Chee-Han, for tickling my intellectual side into waking up every now and then
- Daniel, whose pain I share a little of. Thanks for being a talkative buddy
- Kevin, for being a really cool guy
- JY, for keeping me a "cheerful bastard"
- Ananda, finally, for being quite the doppleganger, and for being a terrific friend that I can rely on.

I realize I have more friends at the end than I did at the beginning of BMT. I know, many people will say, "Duh...", but that's not what I meant. What I meant is that towards the end I started to drop the 'act' I was putting up and being myself. What act was that? Well, I knew I was annoying and very loud, and so by trying to curb those things, by trying to be someone I'm not, I ended up pissing off tons of people, more than I probably would have if I had done something else:
Be myself, but exert self-control

So lessons learned, things have been done. Now, no matter where I go or what I do, I pray that I'll continue to grow and pick myself up from my wrongs.

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Joined a Star Wars Role-Playing forum. Gotta admit, it's pretty darn fun! Hmmm... Gabrielle Megan started her own blog, so I foresee it's gonna be an interesting thing.

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5 days of leave, holiday, from 3-11 July I'm free and easy at home. Wonder who I'll meet up with, and what I'll do. I guess we'll just roll with it and see what happens.

God bless y'all =)

Shane Is A Bootlicker

2010-06-27T00:10:00.002+08:00

The title is something I stared at on a whiteboard in my camp the other day, and all I could really do was stare actually. The first thing that ran through my head was, "They seriously think that?", and the next was, "What actions have I done that have given this impression?". Well, it was too late to change their impression of me, and it is a disappointment for me. Blessed are those persecuted for righteousness, but the Bible never says anything about people who kinda deserve to be beaten down. It's almost as if it says, "You deserve it,"

After that, a conversation with Hilary slapped everything into place, like assembling a SAR21, everything just clicked. My JC life, Oliver+Hilary ditching me, my problems with Naomi, my problems in BMT, my problems in my spiritual life, EVERYTHING clicked, and it all came in one phone call.

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But first, several happy things. God has kept me strong so far, and I've managed to pass my IPPT. I managed to get silver standard for everything except chin-ups, which I fear will be a problem for me for quite a while now. 2nd July, Passing Out Parade, and it's all over. Break from 3rd to 11th July, probably, then I go to a new unit. Will I be in command school? Or will the Lord assign me a post somewhere else for further training in self-discipline? I don't know what's best for me anymore.

Getting better at DOTA, my guitar sounds like a beauty, Dissidia's developing nicely... The NE skit we planned fell flat compared to other companies, but I can safely say that I'm pretty proud of it anyways, itself being the manifest effort of many guys, so yeah... Hmmm...

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"Oliver and I left you for the same reason: You're a hypocrite,"

*blink* Huh?

"Yeah, like, you say you'll pay attention in class, then I hear from Oliver that you do nothing but sleep and read in class. When you do listen, you do nothing but pass smart-ass comments,"

*blink* Hmmm...

"From what I hear, it's the same in your camp, you're a liar, and everyone dislikes you because of it!"

Well, it's not really that I'm a liar per se, I'm just lazy...

"Then that's easier! It's a self-discipline problem then! So..."

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The rest of the conversation fades off in my head. Self-discipline, again, sigh... It's always an issue in the end for me, because I give up very easily and give in very easily. Man... But it explains EVERYTHING! Why did I do so badly for my 'A's? Why did my relationship with Naomi end in such a screw-up? Why did I lose my best friends? Why am I so disliked by so many people? Specifically, and relevantly, my platoon-mates?

Ahhhhh... Why hasn't my spiritual life been moving? Why is it that while so many interesting things happen, my growth seems to be hampered in some way? SELF-DISCIPLINE! It all makes sense suddenly!

... So what do I do about it?

... Hmmmm....

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Well, I'll just work on it. If I get better, then it's something good. If I don't... Well...

God bless y'all! Thanks for reading =)

Sit-Test, IPPT, Crush, Gabrielle Meagan

2010-06-11T19:28:00.003+08:00

Yesterday I played a bunch of worship songs and tried talking to God, but it felt like there was something missing. "Does it matter?" I ask myself, "Does it matter how I feel as long as I know that He is there?"

No, no, of course not, but it sure would be better. Anyway, in the end I gave up the singing. It sounded hollow and meaningless, though my heart was bursting with things to say, and aching with a longing to hear from Him. What is missing, I wonder? The right song? The right prayer? The right moment? I need you, O Lord!

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Hung out with a bunch of platoon-mates today, and it was a pretty fun experience, playing Starcraft, DoTA, CS... It was a good time. I praise the Lord that though I'm not well-received by the platoon I'm with, He has blessed me with friends all the same. I fully appreciate and cherish them, so if they ever read this, thanks guys for the awesome time =)

I dun think I'll be joining my section-outing tomorrow though. As much as I believe it's important to try to connect to those whom you'll be in close proximity with (we're bunk-mates), I think I'd rather spend my time doing things that I'd like to do, such as hanging out with my family, than to spend energy going out with people I'm not at all VERY interested to hang around with.

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SITUATIONAL TEST

An interesting 3-days. 1st day was spent marching to the place, 2nd day was the test, and the 3rd day was finishing up the test and going back to camp. 3 days sleeping in the mud was nothing compared to our horrible 6-day full-of-nothing-but-rain field camp, and I praise God that He decided to let it rain early in the morning on all three days in the sit-test. It meant that while the clouds hid the sun in the afternoon, there was no rain, AND the really tough situational-tests could not be carried out, so we only did planning. Moreover, the weather was cool, so it was all good.

Sit-test taught me one thing: When given a task, expect to work alone and perform at your very best. So from that I drew out another lesson:
Having team-mates to assist you in tasks (or having friends to support you in life) is a privilege that ought not to be taken lightly. In fact, we should be going through life alone anyways, so praise God for the friends He provides to us. Moreover, God is for us, so who therefore can stand against us! Yes, we are more than conquerors in Christ!

Learning this lesson brought me a very zen-like peace. I was able to sit alone, be alone, and not feel left-out, not feel alone at all. In fact, I grew even more acutely aware of how close God is, and how precious my family and friends are. It was a beautiful thing.

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IPPT

I finally passed my IPPT!!! Next Monday I hope to get Silver, since all I'm missing is one more chin-up and 4cm on the standing broad jump!!! At the end of IPPT, just before the 2.4km run, I looked up, and saw an entire cloud multi-coloured, one big gigantic rainbow packed into the silver lining. Our God is a God of promises, and throughout my Army life there have been many times when I've received blessings and good things even when I didn't ask for any. It is an incredible God we serve, and an incredible life we're living in =)

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Unexpected Crush

The Army brought in 2 female instructors to come coach us for our IPPT and to run with us for the actual thing. Many guys Ooohh-ed and Ahhhh-ed at them, because one of them was actually pretty hot. But then a voice sprang up in my head:

"Yeah, she's cute, but ********'s prettier,"

I pause. Wait, what?

"Yeah, you know, her...?"

Yeah, yeah, yeah... But why her? Do I like her or something? Or is this just another random name?

"You know the answer,"

... Damn.

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Gabrielle Meagan

Speaking of unexpected crushes, Gabrielle Meagan, a GINORMOUS crush I had in Primary School, just gave me a call! YAY! She was the first girl I ever did really stupid things for. Like, in primary 5, I'd go to the toilet once every hour whether or not I actually had to go, just to walk past her class to see her. Yes, THAT silly. Unfortunately, nothing much ever really happened, and she gave off a super "I'm not interested" vibe, so after awhile I gave up...

Till I met her via Friendster, found out she was in NPCC Area 4, and met her at a live shooting range in sec 2! After that, we never saw each other again...

Till this year, when I had a super random dream about her (see this post: http://wingsofages.blogspot.com/2010/02/dream-journal-nightmare-record.html), then I found her on Facebook!

Sigh... I'd totally chase her if not for the fact that she's alllllll the way in the Philippines, and... Hmmm... Oh, right, I'm STILL not ready for a relationship yet *grumble*

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*stretch*

Unexpected holiday from Thursday till Sunday. Can't wait for 2nd July, then got 5 days of leave. I wonder what I'll do with those days, hmmm? Perhaps I'll spend each day with a new friend, or I'll go out to a park and see if I can actually talk to random strangers. Yeah, I think it'll be an interesting experience.

God bless y'all! =)

Reflectional

2010-05-31T19:45:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I just wish I could tell my Officer: "Sir, I just wanna be a CCI (Close Combat Instructor). Working flexible hours and able to go home everyday and sleep in my own bed. I know my pay will never rise above $500, but to do something so fun and to have such flexibility..."

Of course, then I think of how much I cherish my family now, how much I wanna stay at home now. How much my friends mean to me and suddenly how powerful God has become in my life, and I realize that without all the crap of staying in-camp and the trials and difficulties... I wouldn't be so appreciative of life. It takes hardship and pain to appreciate comfort and familiarity, though many would argue that what the Army gives to us now is hardly hardship, laughing at how slack it has become.

But the continual softening of the Army is a mark of how our Singaporean generations are getting more and more weak-willed and lily-livered. Pregnancy rates and abortion rates are higher, people unable to control themselves and unable to take responsibility. The number of smokers in Singapore have increased dramatically as well, and while crime rates in Singapore are low, the fact remains that it still occurs at quite a rate in our heartlands.

I certainly don't know where I want to be in the Army, no matter the division, they all have their own pains. All I know is the one the Lord assigns me will be one where the trials build me in areas that I know I'm crap at. It's a bitter-sweet comfort that the Lord is still watching over me and because of that my trials are personalized.

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Man... I'm sleepy. Back to camp. This is gonna be a short week in a way. Tuesday till Friday, Saturday till Monday Situational Test, then a book-out, I think. I think the 3 day field camp will be a cake-walk after our 6 day field camp, but who knows.

Please pray for me, hope to meet up with you friends soon =)

God bless!

FSS, Appeal to FASS

2010-05-30T21:33:00.004+08:00

Wow... Saturday and Sunday have been exciting. Actually, I thought Friday was actually pretty interesting too. Let's run over the stuff

FRIDAY

- Got stuck on Inward Chaos, making me late for a meet-up. Along the way, went to buy tickets to "Prince of Persia" for Saturday

- Met with Samuel Stephens, Xiang An, Angeline (couldn't believe she came!), Loo Yee, and Chee Han. Ananda joined up later

- For those not in the know, Chee Han and Ananda are two awesome pals I made in BMT. The mash-up of SFC and my friends was a completely random thing, but I think it worked out for the better in the end =)

- Went to eat at the food court near my old abacus centre. Nothing much changed, the food was still good, so I was happy to finally be with my friends again, AND be in an old place.

- After tinkering with guitars at Yamaha at PS, went to Paradise for LAN Gaming. Unfortunately this meant we had to abandon the girls, but we thought we could meet up with them later for dinner. Hooo boy...

- Loo Yee left for cell, Angeline left soon after. Hilary suddenly couldn't make it, and Victor and Mei Ting suddenly went MIA. Samuel Tung's handphone was shut up to oblivion, Celine and Samantha had to stay home for dinner.

- This left us 5 guys playing DoTA(which I think I'm pretty good at) and now Celeste was on her way to meet us! I called her and told her not to come.

- Grumpy! Uber ticked off that all our friends would just last minute fly away like that. Bad luck or bad timing, the whole thing was just bad. Anyways, after that, had Carls' Junior, which more than made up for everything

- Met up with Samantha for a little while at AMK Hub afterwards. Refreshing, I think she's awesome to hang around with.

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SATURDAY

- Met up with Eunice and Kelly and Sara from Hope Sanctuary, had lunch at Mos Burger.

- Surprised that vulgarities flew out of my mouth without my knowing. Has the Army made my tongue so loose and my vocabulary so... Coarse? Sigh...

- Eunice slimmed down, like, A LOT. She's actually lookin' pretty hot now, in my opinion. Unfortunately not a girl I can chase, since she only likes buff dudes and there's 0% chance I'll ever stop being lazy and just get fit =P

- Went down to Hope Sanctuary Youth. Met Shao Kai and Abigail (YAY!) and apparently Kelly and Daryl are huge Mraz fans as well!!! w00t!!!

- Met Joel and Marcus too, pretty happy that so many old faces are still there.

- Including Uncle Ban Seng. Ah yes, bad memories. From the time he walked into the room to the time I left he acted as if I never existed. I suppose sometimes some wounds never heal, cos just looking at him... Never thought I'd feel so angry just at the sight of an old... Mentor?

- Watched "Prince of Persia", which I think is a worthy movie to the game series. Honestly, great action.

- Did the appeal to FASS, NUS. Hopefully it gets through, then I can join Samu =)

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SUNDAY

- Question: Imagine a life without Jesus, without God, without your religion.

1. I would've lied a lot more and been a lot more of a jerk and an asshole than I am now
2. I wouldn't have discovered music, wouldn't be making music
3. I wouldn't have liked Jason Mraz
4. I wouldn't have the friends I have today
5. On second thought, I'm not even sure if I'd HAVE friends
6. I would've been a lot more stupid in my relationships (less self-control, etc)

- Otherwise a great slack-off day =)

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Chatted with Eunice on Sunday night. She told me a couple of things that made me squirm and I'm pretty sure I told her some secrets that'll make her never look at me the same way again, but then again this is good. Right? This is part of the development of a friendship, when you trust someone enough that you don't just let 'em see your good, but let 'em have a glance at the bad too. So she's no longer just a 2-dimensional character to me, now she's... Well, I've discovered she knows more than I ever thought she'd discover.

Man... God bless y'all =)

Ga Ga, Lessons in Life and Energy

2010-05-28T08:21:00.002+08:00

Khenging. The art of purposefully not putting in your best at that point in time. It's different from being exhausted and not being able to perform at your fullest potential. It's more like... You can only do 5 outta 10, but you give 3 instead. That's khenging. Proud to say that I've yet to do so in the Army. So far everytime I've fallen out of an activity it's cos I have a valid concern, and I've prevented myself from exhaustion and asthma attacks as such.

Sure, others have been pushing themselves beyond the limit and in that aspect they're definitely stronger than I am, but I'm not interested in fainting or suffering from severe dizziness as many have been doing. Some may look at me and say I kheng, but I prefer to think that I'm just smart.

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The cool breezes that come at the precise times I want to kheng so badly are reminders from God for me to keep on putting in all I can put. That's how I see it anyways. Is my language cleaning up? Somewhat. Is my behaviour becoming more acceptable, in the sense that I can get along better with my platoon-mates? Sometimes, my antics piss them off, but otherwise they're neutral towards me. I actually think that's fine by me. I don't need them to like me, I just need to know that friends exist for me somewhere.

Luckily, even in camp I have friends, I think so anyway. Kevin, Daniel, Ananda, J Y, and Chee Han. People whom I can talk to and have fun, being myself. It's something that I treasure. I think this is a really cool lesson that I've only learnt after so long, but better late than never I suppose.

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6am, woke up to run. Something about doing a physical activity makes me feel more awake, more alive. Like somehow my body's finally getting the attention that I've been denying for 6 years now. The most "fit" I have ever been was in Primary School, and that's cos I never stopped running, ever. Somehow that made me strong, or else it was because my body was too damned light. Anyways, putting on weight for 6 years isn't a bad thing, especially now when I can slowly feel it all being shed away

But am I willing to put aside my lazy lifestyle for the sake of looking and feeling good? Hmmmmm.... K, that's a lesson that I've yet to wanna take part in. I'll never do diets, but an active lifestyle I might consider. It all depends on the kinda job I get, and if I can get into Uni in the first place.

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God bless y'all =)

Politics

2010-05-22T10:53:00.000+08:00

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This tune puts me in a good mood, I hope it does for you too. Much love to you, reader.

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The army is truly a training ground. Listening to Samuel and his insane Zulu company training and how the hardship forces his platoon to be so close and so united in all aspects has made me jealous. It's not that I do not appreciate the ultra welfare that we receive in our very lovable Quebec company, but the problem is that when so much welfare is given, people are less concerned with surviving than with living. They start to talk, form cliques, start hating on people, start becoming bitchy. In other words, it's school, but now you live with each other 5 days a week.

But this is a blessing, cos now I'm forced to keep my mouth shut and head down. While others are trained to fight wars and be soldiers, I'm being trained in people relations and how to survive in a working environment. You gotta know when to shut up, gotta know when to speak up even when it ain't your place to talk. It's tough, because if it were just plain soldiering I might even make it and get fit, but the point is the relationships, something that I know for a fact I'm hopelessly poor in. So, that said, I believe the training has been working so far. As of yet I've yet to do anything substantially stupid, and I've been working as hard as I possibly can. Once or twice I've screwed up but never in a major way, so it's fine. Everything's cool.

I just hate playing politics. It's worse than anything else in the army

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Field camp... Unforgettable experience. I actually listed out a bunch of outstanding things that happened during field camp just in case I forgot, yet something in my gut says I won't forget any of it any time soon, moreover I'm not even sure how much can I say before I've said too much about the army. Soooo... Just to play it safe, I'm shutting my mouth on my blog. For once.

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Man... God has been very gracious to me these past few weeks, many answered prayers, unanswered requests that served to build me up, and many little lessons learned along the way. Little places where I die a little, and thus the promise that I will be built to be like Him more and more even as I'm moulded.

I just wish I could be a better person. It's not that I want to be well-liked, that's more or less not the point. To be a better person would be a personal accomplishment, a spiritual secret-achievement that no one else will probably see nor care about. At the moment I'm still pretty much an egotistical ass. I hope by the end of BMT I emerge a new man

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God bless y'all =)

Spiritual Climate, The Effect of Words

2010-05-07T23:15:00.004+08:00

Uneventful week, I'd almost venture to say it was boring. Fire-power demonstration was amusing, but the way the army conducts any of these exhibitions makes it horrendously boring. Efficient, but without time for people to enjoy themselves, how are we to learn? Oh, I suppose we still could, and I suppose the army is trying to TEACH us and not let us have fun, but really, isn't one of the core values "Care for Soldiers"?

Anyways, otherwise, 6km route march killed me, I wonder how I'll do the other route marches. You'd think that carrying 20kg on your shoulders and just WALKING would be easy, but noooo.... As I found out much to my dismay on Wednesday. Whole body shivering and I could feel my blood sugars way down low. Anyways, a fast recovery, and Friday is IPPT, where I failed chin-ups and decided to just jog the 2.4km. Yes, bad attitude I know, but whatever, I'll pass it the next round!

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The spiritual walk of mine has changed. Prayer and praises and songs are not as common, instead now I'm reading more from the Bible, and as insightful as it is, and as "wise" as I'd like to think I've become, I'm shocked by how much I've changed. More vulgarities, more crude remarks and more violent fantasies are coming up in my head. Even the general way I approach people and situations is changing. I think the combo of Biblical reading AND prayer AND praise is sooooo important. Any one left out will leave one incomplete or feeling dry. Okiedokie, time to get back on track.

God bless y'all =)

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edit: SEEING IRON MAN 2 TOMOLO!!!

2010-05-02T18:09:00.002+08:00

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I remember somethings that some people said wrong on a certain Saturday afternoon:

"God says that He's a consuming fire, but He cannot do anything unless we repent, forgive others, and praise Him!"

Erm... No. I think the Old Testament and New Testaments kinda say something like, "God is a consuming fire, THEREFORE we shall repent, praise, and forgive our transgressors,"

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Realized that everything we do, everything we say, everything we think, all of it's just a manifestation of our heart's desires, our dreams. Every song we sing, the music we choose to listen to and make, even the thoughts that cross our minds, all come from our hearts first. So a God-fearing life then becomes just another manifestation of a heart's desire and dream.

Is He my one desire? Is He yours? Not at the moment, but I hope that He will soon be. Sometimes voids in the heart may just be a misguided dream. We shall see.

God bless y'all =)

Shoot, Eunice, Primary

2010-04-30T22:18:00.002+08:00

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Listening to this version of the song makes me smile. It's cool, the lyrics, the tempo, the melody and the soul of the song is cool. Open and free, accepting and saying, "Yo guys, let's bounce on!"

Missed 3-4 shots in my shooting, so I got like... 28/32? Really disappointing because I was hoping to get full marks to redeem myself from my previous mistakes at range, but ah well, I guess it's another way to keep me humble. Or am I simply mediocre? Whatever the case, my heart and mind's open, I'll take what I get a live with it to the glory of God. Oh, but I definitely need to keep my mouth shut more often. Awesome things happen when I do that, which is sad to me, because I like to be heard, but ah wells...

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Maaaannnn... Called Eunice on one of the nights, thought it was pretty cool that I can still randomly call up really old friends and get responses.

Saw Pei Ying, Jaryl Too, Sara Liang, and Aw Su in the AJC yearbook. Man... Jaryl looks hot, so it was no surprise when I heard he's a 'playboy', I actually felt pretty happy that this dude is doing so well. Looks, charm, AND smarts? Yeap, he's rich too, so he's got it all. Looked at Sara Liang and I wondered briefly how I had a crush on her in Primary 6 and how I thought we were a couple (I still blush red-hot everytime I think of the stupid things I did and how silly some of the things I thought were)

Pei Ying is, as predicted, super hot and loads of guys in AJC apparently know that, so I feel pretty self-satisfied knowing that a prediction came true. I'm just liking the experience of seeing these guys and marvelling that... We've come this far. Pretty sweet.

Unfortunately I'm still waiting for a letter, ANY LETTER, to come in. I'm not particularly worried though. It's a barrier that can be overcome, a challenge that can be met. However, the looming out-field camp is one challenge that I'm so NOT looking forward to. Let's do this shit(super-high-intensity-training), and bounce on through!

God bless y'all =)

The Internet Is For...

2010-04-25T15:25:00.005+08:00

Lies.

I am burning pissed off with the bullshit that's being fed to people on the internet. The supposed "do-ers of good" and their idiotic websites designed not to enlighten or encourage learning, but to spread fear and confusion, encouraging instead a sense of wariness to almost everything around them. I won't bother typing their filth here, nor will I share the damned URL, cos the last thing these pieces of crap need is someone to advertise and publicise their junk.

The websites screams of how Lady Gaga is really a worshipper of Satan (which we probably already guessed), how Beyonce and Rihanna's songs are influenced by mind-control and spirit possession, and how the Black Eyed Peas video, "I'mma Be" isn't just a musical nightmare but laden with occultic meanings. The website also lists "Mystical Places" of power and "Dangerous Places" of Satanic energy. Glorious.

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To prove a point, I did some research and found that the following things have been claimed (in several credible ways) to be occultic:
- Hotwheels (The toy cars)
- Barbie Dolls and Bratz Dolls
- Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief
- Sesame Street

I did this out on a whim, to see if I could find that even the most mundane things had occultic meaning. Much to my surprise, they did! In fact, I was shocked that toy cars could have occultic meaning (edit: Scrath that, the dude who made Hot Wheels apparently did OTHER occultic stuff, not that the cars are occultic. However, couldn't I then write an article on how he might be using the cars to get at boys?)

This is NOT including the already long line of stuff listed as "occultic":
- Teletubbies (though they ARE creepy)
- Pokemon
- Digimon
- Harry Potter
- Almost EVERY SECULAR SONG you can think of

Going on to many many websites and listening to the songs being played backwards made me think, "If people use this kinda stuff to worship the devil... Man, they're tone-deaf,"

"NO, SHANE! You need to catch the hidden words while the song's being played backwards! All the 'Hail Satan' and stuff like that!"

"Seriously?"

Seriously, I can only hear them if I sniff glue, and even then I'd have to be lying to myself to an extreme extent. Maybe I should sniff glue, smoke crack, AND get some E in me before I listen to the songs. Surely SOMETHING has to come up!

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I'm pissed off that this junk can infect even my sister. The consolation is that no matter how much I search I can't find anything that implicates Jason Mraz.

Next, I'm gonna start researching on Christian artistes and see if I can dig up any dirt. Maybe if I do, then it'll get my sister to stop with this stupid website.

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Edit:
Paul Baloche, Tommy Walker, Lincoln Brewster, Don Moen... All clean. Oddly enough, the only dirt I can find is on Hillsongs, Planetshakers, and Rick Warren. Am I not researching enough? Well, just using Google isn't gonna help me. For occultic practices and symbolisms and stuffs, you need to do a lot of research, and have a heavy dose of paranoia birthed in you.

Oddly enough, I feel VERY angry that people made a big issue out of the Planetshaker's Mike Gulli-something guy. Seriously, let he who is without sin cast the first stop. Judgemental, hypocritical twits.

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God bless y'all, and I hope y'all never get to see any of that kinda nonsense

Songs That Play In My Head In Camp

2010-04-24T10:19:00.002+08:00

Decided to do up this post for fun, since I've done all America Army training programs, read all manga, watched all episodes, and bla bla bla...

RUNNING

This is the song that plays in my head while we're doing our runs, no matter what run it is. It helps me smile and keep up the steps and stuff like that. Even while we're screaming songs I hear this one pretty prominently

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GENERAL QUIET

Whenever it's a little too quiet or when we have a rest break, I'm usually praying or else I have soft songs running through my head. Generally it's soft worship songs or else it's a nice Jason Mraz song I like. Sometimes, like when my friend mentioned "Chinese Paladin" and "Liu Yi Fei", I hear chinese songs too. So, I'll put up one of each =)

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God bless you guys, hope if you listen up to the songs y'all like it =)

Boredom

2010-04-23T21:56:00.002+08:00

GETTING ON WIT IT

On a whim to prove a point to myself, I decided to give Naomi (chan) a call this week. Listening to her answered my questions and reflections completely, and with that, the pain is gone. The hurt and void remains, but now it is simply a reminder going, "Yo, dude, remember?" And I'll go, "Yeah yeah, I'll get smart,"

It brings up dangerous thoughts, all this 'getting over a break-up' thing. Like, unconsciously, I'll start to look a girls as 'friends' and as 'people I can potentially chase later'. I don't like this mentality, therefore I'll break it, and I hope I do. I don't want to treat women with less respect than they deserve.

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RANDOM WEEKEND PLANS

This week's Bleach and Naruto made me shiver. Really good stuff

I plan to go buy guitar strings tomorrow, then put one of the packet "Thirsty Hippo" thingies inside to control the humidity levels and prevent rust. It sounds like a good idea to me, so we'll see if it works =)

Also I plan to go to Marina Bay with Li Yun tomorrow. It's probably the ONLY stop after Yio Chu Kang that I haven't been to. Time to see what's above the underground.

I plan to "audition" for the concert thingy that NLYM has planned. Why not? I've lost my voice and my guitar has gone down the drain, but if I just go and try, then at least I'm giving God the option of allowing me to participate or reject me. As much as God's will is always done, we must also always do our best to put ourselves out in the open and scream, "Here I am, Lord. Send me!"

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CHESED WENT INTO OCS!!! OH MY GOODNESS, I'm soooooo happy for him, CONGRATZ BRO! (not that he reads my blog. Or anyone else for that matter actually. I think I'm just writing this down to myself, which would be... Interesting. Wait, does Johan still read my blog?)

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SPIRITUAL WARFARE AND THE BIBLE

My thoughts are everywhere. Praying over my bunk because of a multitude of ghost stories that were told to me on Wednesday night that scared me senseless. Praying for the presence of the Lord to fall upon the camp brought a gigantic sense of peace and confidence, and yet I find myself once more in awe of God. Who is magnificent, omnipresent and omnipotent, and yet He would choose to love and care for me. More so, He gave us a privilege to be above the angels and demons in authority, yet in reality without Him living in us we would be powerless before them.

So that's why I respect angels and demons, but I don't fear them. Get it? I mean, it's kinda hard to describe

After praying non-stop (almost) for 8 weeks, I've come to realize that prayer and songs are simply not enough. I feel malnourished. I need a Bible in camp. I'mma gonna bring one in =)

As much as I believe that music and singing and dancing are awesome ways to worship God and get in touch with Him, and prayer allows for communication, the Bible is still a powerful weapon. With it, we gain knowledge of God and of the things He has created. With it, we are fed spiritual thoughts and our minds are bound back to Him by the black and white authority of words. With it, the Lord speaks to us on a whole different plane. And so the Bible is a magnificent tool blessed unto us by the Lord, and sooooo... Yeah.

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I have an awful lot to write for a bored guy. I'll start labelling the stuff and changing the title now. God bless y'all =)

Faithless-ness cured?

2010-04-17T08:54:00.003+08:00

RANTING:

What makes us human? The ability to choose, to go against our nature, to not only rationalize and make smart decisions, but to be irrational and make right decisions, even when it isn't smart. Issues such as fornication, masturbations, impulsive stealing, smoking, and almost every other bad act a teenager in today's world commits is always impulsive and they say, "What can we say? It's our nature,"

With the exception of stealing, all the things I listed up there are now termed "acceptable" or just "tolerable" in today's society. Giving up fighting our instincts and saying that it's easier not to fight shows me that there is a degradation in society's moral standards today. Hell, I'm a VERY lazy person and even I make an attempt to stay away from those things. Why? Well, because I believe I'm human, and I hate and refuse to accept that my nature causes me to admire women not for brains but for looks, that by nature it's difficult for men to resist sexual temptations. One of my bunk-mates has implied that my standards and my voicing of my standards is just to give off a "holier than thou" impression, and maybe he's right on the voicing out bit, but the reasons for the standards I maintain is for one very simple reason:
They are standards that everyone should attain anyway

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I'm sick of feeling a wrench in my heart everytime I see her Facebook. I am sick of going to church and having my mind distracted. Do I really miss her company that much? Or is this simply my brain reacting and saying, "Hey! She's sooooo pretty! Why did I break-up with her?"

I refuse to entertain the latter reason. I'm not only a man, I'm a human, I will not give in to such immature thoughts. I will not degrade myself and want to be with her simply because I find her beautiful. There's more to a person than outward appearance, and at the moment she has nothing to show for in anything. So what if she's suddenly successful academically? She's a bore, and she's dangerous

I dunno. If she's really such a big distraction, then action needs to be taken. Do I need to get a hobby, move church, or dive into some activity? I dunno, but I need to do something. It's my imperfect and sinful brain that's getting in the way, so I need to work around it

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BLOG TOPIC:

Faith... Hebrews 11:1, the substance of things hoped for, the evidence for things not seen... What does that mean? I know that God exists, because of the many experiences in my life where inexplicable things have happened, or coincidences that were too coincidental to be accidents. Because when I view the world with God in it, the God of the Bible anyway, it makes sense, and that in itself proves to me that this God is THE God. Not everything about Him makes sense, but I'd be worried if I could understand and comprehend Him, because to Him I should be nothing but a monkey dancing in a cage. Yet for some reason He loves me and chose to send His only begotten Son to die for me.

The validity of Jesus and who He was is proven by the credibility of the Bible and how it came to be. All in all, there will always be evidence to disprove the Bible and disprove the existence of God, and this has to be taken by faith. Yet the very fact that faith can be possessed is evidence of a God, or else it's evidence of insanity, and since all humans have faith in one thing or another, we're all insane. Thus, I choose to believe it's God.

Now, why I am bringing this up? Because recently I've been feeling very distant from God, and I've figured out that it's not always about how I feel, though it's important, but the more important bit is what I know. I know God exists, I know He's omnipresent and omniscient, therefore He's always with me and all my prayers are heard. I know He cares and loves me because of the Gospel and therefore I know that all things that happen happen for a good reason. If anything bad happens, it's because of my own humanity/stupidity and He has allowed it.

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Maybe the reason why I'm getting so boring, talking about boring things, is because I'm bored. Maybe I don't miss Naomi at all, or this ache in my heart is something that everyone experiences, but my pain is increased due to the lack of distractions.

Maybe I'm just bored.

God bless y'all =)

Cycles- Music, Worship

2010-04-10T08:44:00.003+08:00

CYCLES

Taking an MC from the MO (Medical Officer) from Monday till Wednesday was a blessing in many ways, but also became a sort of worry for me. While I had time to recover, the officers never let you forget you're in the army and basically made us do the jobs that we pay foreigners to do for us in Singapore. While those were light activities, I thought our time would have been better spent in our bunks sleeping and recovering so that we could spring back into training, but I guess it's just me.

Missed 2 marches where people had to carry Full-Battle-Order (FBO), which is a friggin' HEAVY field pack filled with loads of stuff. Felt kinda scared cos after those 3 days people were getting fit and I wasn't. Praise God that I can now comfortably do 1 proper chin-up though =)

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Someone in my platoon doesn't like me, and on Friday looked like he wanted to beat the crap outta me. I was left stunned for the rest of the day, reflecting, contemplating, praying, because it's been a long time since I've had to deal with people like that, and the last time it happened it didn't end so well. In the end I take advice from House, season 6, episode 3: "Coping skill number one: Total avoidance,"

Realizing that all I need to do was avoid him settled many problems, and revealed many personal issues I have. Exploring the implications and how my behaviour can change due to these revelations is really... Interesting

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Note from Notebook:

Life is about cycles, because nothing lasts, everything ends, and brand new things always come up. All happiness, all pain, all sadness and all accomplishments all fade, nothing remains. Remnants and relics of the past tell of a history, that once there were great and interesting things happening, yet we can only speculate and wonder of it, because it has gone away.

Living in the cycle is routine for us all, and most people spend it in misery, not understanding what's going on. Pining for happy moments and feeling frustrated through the bad, but... Knowing that happiness must end makes us happier by cherishing those moments, understanding pain must end, HAS to end, allows us to tap into a strength we normally do not have. Remembering that our routines, our schedules all eventually come to change and even stop can remove the repetitive-ness of life and live in each moment for what it is.

By keeping God in mind, by recognizing that there IS an eternal life, is how we transcend this cycle. And by transcending it, it then makes loving God possible, living life to the fullest becomes an accomplish-able goal, and by practising keeping the cycle in mind we will daily break it and daily live amazing moments and amazing lives.

Praise the Lord who has promised eternity and love forevermore.

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The note came after I thought about something my dad said about heaven:
"In heaven there's no time... So when does anything "stop" or "begin"?"

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MUSIC, WORSHIP

Spent the whole of Saturday watching Glee and music videos. Took an hour or so to spend time playing guitar with sister, realized how much my coughing over the past two weeks have damaged my throat, I can't even hold a note properly anymore. Touching my throat and swallowing hurts, yet the musically bad "worship session" was fruitful and gave me a lot to think about.

Worship is about the state of the heart, tempered by our actions. Do our actions tell God we love Him? If I listen to secular songs all the time, imagine most of the time that I'm playing the guitar just for the sake of having a fun time, or if I speak like any other common man on the street, then how am I showing Him love? In the end the music is a conduit by which we tell God about how we feel, and part of that is how we behave. Singing about love when you're crushing on a girl is easy, just as Linkin' Park suddenly becomes good music when we're ticked off, because how we feel is coupled by what we're DOING, and that's what we normally forget.

Coming back into the heart of worship is interesting, always revealing to me more and more that I believe I'm living an unfulfilled life, and what steps I should take to improve on it and draw closer to God. The more I live, the more I hear and learn, and the more I feel that I'm unworthy to even think of trying to help in the worship team in my church. The more I live, the more amazed I am that God would love me, because I'd have ditched myself long ago if I were up there.

What's that? "We gotta love ourselves,"? Hmmm... That's a lesson for another time.

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In the meantime, I just wanna live a good life in the army. Keep my head down, keep my mouth shut, not piss people off, and get as much fun out of it as possible. The weekends are always fun, and now I'm beginning to find some form of fun in the ridiculous tough-ness of the army. Life's interesting.

Am I a very religious person? Am I really that pious? I hardly read my Bible though I pray almost all the time. I have a passion for music and standing on stage, whether it's speaking or any other appointment, and that leads me to feel that I wanna serve God on stage. It's when I wanna serve God on stage I'm always fearful of pride, or if I'm doing it to look good, or just to have fun. It's a dangerous place, the stage, because the spotlight's on you, then your job is to be a reflector. How tough is that, and to be polished to a sheen is... Well, it'll be painful.

I think I over-think, and I think I'm far too doubtful, or am I being the perfect amount of cautious? I know for a fact I'm too naive and stupid for the world, and that scares me.

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Of my $400 salary, I decided to donate $40 to a charity supported by the SAF. My parents heard it and told me to cut it down to $5, maybe even less. Why? Well, there were many reasons, but I think the one that stuck like glue to me was that my dad is a TEACHER, and their pay is crap, and even if I can scrimp $35 for him it would be a blessing to him. So I'm gonna do it.

When the first heard what I did they laughed, "Oh my goodness, no wonder that Naomi liked you. You're a total sucker,"

Well... Yes, yes I am. Probably why God removed relationships in my life and more or less distanced me from girls for the next two years, because spiritually and mentally I'm just not cut out for it.

Somehow, some way, I'm gonna have to live with the void in my heart and be strong enough for that, because I'm not strong enough to lead.

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God bless y'all =)

Easter, a time...

2010-04-03T21:50:00.003+08:00

After watching "Clash of the Titans", suddenly, my hair-style feels a lot more cool. All I need to do is shed fats, buff up, go for a Mediterranean tan, get a little scruff, and voila!

... I'll stick to being a nerd.

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Life goes on. No matter our pain, someone out there is gettin' some. No matter our tears, someone out there is laughing. Life goes on, and the vastness of life and the world calms me. Makes me feel insignificant, makes me feel small. In that tiny-ness there is joy, because suddenly I realize that in spite of my insignificance I love, have loved, and am loved. My family is always praying for me, I have friends I can joke about with, and I have a God that watches over my every thought and word, and He constantly builds me up to a standard that I could never imagine.

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Understanding she is nothing but trouble doesn't make me wanna avoid her. In fact, it draws me more so. Why? Is it some hidden suicidal mental disorder I have, to draw myself towards a girl who would now obviously bring me nothing but grief?

No, it's love. It's the knowledge that in spite of her flaws and her mistakes she is deeply and truly loved by God. So much so that looking into the future and seeing her, the Lord still gave up His life for hers, for all the sins she would ever commit, even after coming to know Him. He loves her so much that He would die even if she would trample on His gift. Will she ever accept it? Only He knows.

And because I don't know, because none of us know, I continue to pray for her. And in spite of the things she's doing I can still feel love for her, and I believe that is the act of the Holy Spirit. I pray for her family as well, that the Lord would give them strength, patience, and more so love, that they may never give up hope, never give up giving grace, extending forgiveness. While there's a line to be draw between being a push-over and being gracious, we know all she wants is pleasure, all she wants is joy, and she doesn't care how she gets it.

Therefore the remedy is a spiritual one, and I believe that in going through this phase she will eventually rise up above it and become a powerful testimony for the Lord. This is my heartfelt belief.

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Am I putting too much emotion into one girl? Perhaps it's because she's the second girl I've ever so willingly given up so much for. Will I ever want to be with her again? Probably not. But it doesn't erase all the things I've said above. Love and care exists even among friends, because all that's needed for love is a touch, an action, a prayer, and a word.

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I hope all of you will be blessed this wonderful Easter. The day the Lord ascended and beat the grave, the day He showed us that He has dominance over all, and that He is truly the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords.

God bless y'all =)

Good Friday

2010-04-02T22:35:00.002+08:00

I'm infatuated and crushing on a girl who's nothing but apparent trouble. I know my prayers are heard and many have been answered... So what is God planning with her? I don't know, and He would say it's none of my business, but this hole... Fine, I'll just keep praying. I think it's time to start fasting as well.

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Good Friday. The theoretical day when Jesus was crucified. Did anyone actually have a calender then? I doubt it, but still, it's always good to remember cataclysmic events. Birthdays, death-days, anniversaries and so much more. Listening and remembering what Jesus suffered through on the cross, not for Himself, but for you and for me, is a remarkably heart-breaking thing. Half of you sighs in relief that He bore your punishment, so now you're free. The second half probably feels a certain level of... Guilt. Shame.

When I think of that suffering, nothing in the army seems hard. Nothing in life seems hard. All that's needed is for us to be humble, not imagine ourselves to be the center of our own lives, and suddenly we're simply tools and instruments being used and strummed by the hands of God, awesome power and awesome love out-flowing and pouring out of us if only we decided to live right.

- I will keep my mouth shut
- I will show respect to others
- I will care and help and support others
- I will always give my best

These are the things I try to keep up in the Army, and I hope that what my section-mates and platoon-mates see are these qualities, if not my efforts to uphold these statements.

Now, I'll leave y'all with a bunch of things that Jesus suffered through for us. I might have forgotten some, and I exaggerate some, but all of it happened.

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- Abandoned by all His friends, anyone who knew Him suddenly acted as if He was their enemy, no matter what He had done for them.

- Betrayed by His close friend to death, even though He gave the friend a chance to not do it.

- Saw another one of His close friends deny knowing Him at all, in His face, three times.

- Was tortured and humiliated in front of a crowd, comprised of people who had one way or another been touched in a positive manner by Him. Having healed and fed most of them, these people still turned around and screamed insults at Him.

- Flogged. Whipped/Super-cane + Sharp blades. Ripped fleshed, torn skin, chunks of flesh pulled out.

- Crown of Thorns. Spikes piercing into His skull, but not deep enough that His brain is in any way affected.

- Made to carry a cross for several kilometers, and it's at least three times the weight of our Route March barang. Splinters are driven into His already ripped back. By this point He is physically spent, yet He continues onwards, but someone helps Him carry the cross.

- Crucified. Nails on His hands, nails on His feet. In perpetual pain, He can't continually His hands for too long to support His weight, neither can He put His body weight entirely on His feet either. The cold mountain air cuts through His already bleeding and exhausted body, causing His muscles to cramp up. All the while the crowd laughs.

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When I first heard the details of the crucifixion, from the Garden all the way to the Cross, I broke down and cried. I was supposed to go through all that, but because He did in my place, I don't have to. I hammered myself with the message after that, till now I don't break down and bawl like a baby anymore. Still, remembering His pain and suffering brings tears to my eyes.

What torture do we go through in the army? It's nothing compared to His pain

Do people abandon and leave us? It's nothing compared to losing ALL your close friends and every single one of them DENYING that they even know you!

Do people backstab and say mean things about you, because of how you are, or because of a mistake you made? Jesus was PERFECT, and people were screaming for Him to die.

That's why some Christians can say, "Even if the world leaves me, I'll stand by my God," Because even though the very world He created pissed, crapped, and then smeared all of that in His face, He still loves us, and His love for us never changes, no matter what we do. We are loved, whether we know it or not.

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Good Friday is a solemn day, I agree. It's the day when a terrible, horrible death occurred. But I also feel it's a love day, because it's the day when God went out of His way and sink to levels even we can't go to, just to save us, just because He loves us.

God bless you guys =)

Boiing!

2010-04-02T07:36:00.004+08:00

My cough's getting worse, knee pains ankle pains shin pains but all pains faded this Thursday one way or another (cracking bones and etc)

Went to Life Con and threw my whole heart, body, soul, and mind into the worship, and I think it's an amazing thing that I haven't done in a very VERY long time... Told Hilary about the directions God has been giving me and the obstacles that quite blatantly stand in my way and raise their chins at me and go, "Get through us if you can!" And I turn around with a sword in my hand that says, "If my God is with me, whom then shall I fear?"

There's something inspirational and magical and mystical and fantastical about how wondrous music is, how it can change or compliment your emotions, how it can weave through people and sink into the deepest parts of their souls. Combinations of rhythm, melody, and harmony are like ribbons that float through the air, intertwining and unwinding and spinning through into people, moving through the details in the fabric

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I've been told yet again that I'm a smart mouth in camp and it's getting a few people pissed with me. Okay, here we go again. Keep your mouth shut, keep your head low. I look at this 2 year training as... Well, training. To keeep low, to be humble, to know myself and all I can do, all I can become, and to gain discipline and learn how to combat laziness.

I shall watch "Clash of the Titans" and play "Aion"!

I think Naomi is really a big distraction for me in church. Something to overcome. Please pray for me people, the hole is still here, I can feel it all the time.

Is there more to say? Hmmm... These things are so impromptu and this week I didn't even bother giving my journal any entries.

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Eventually prayers and requests just don't seem appropriate. In the end I'm left saying nothing but, "Jesus, I love You. Father, I love You. Lord, thank You for all You've done for me and my camp. My family. My friends. I love You, love You, love You," And the cycle repeats over and over. And it really shames me that sometimes my behaviour in camp doesn't necessarily fit how I'm praying, how I'm feeling inside. Being influenced? Then I will break those chains as well, I will be me

Listening to scary OCS stories make me go, "Fine, SISPEC will do. I don't need the extra $200 anyway," It's creepy scary. But once more, praying, and I'm doing everything to the best of my abilities. And I know God is watching over me and He has good things in store. That's why I just try to do what I can without sustaining long-lasting injuries, I just wanna see how much I can whip my own body and mind onwards.

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God bless you! Remember, give, and it will come back to you. Good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over! And even if nothing comes back, it will be a wondrous reward in heaven! Gloria hallelujah!

Btw, drank 3-4 cans of Coke yesterday. HAHAHA!!! =)

Hmmmm... No appropriate title

2010-03-27T22:51:00.002+08:00

HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON IS AN AWESOME MOVIE!!!

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'nuff said. I really don't think there's a need to explain, cos if you watch it you will feel the same way. I think it balances cute, funny, and epic all at once, so it's pretty good.

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On my earlier thoughts on the relationship thing, I have a theory. Everyone has that hole in their heart, a vacuum they need to fill. Some, like her, chase after boys, because they have become a sort of "plug", a way to fill the gap. When one plug's gone, she gets another to fill it, and so on and so forth. Nothing wrong with this, it's perfectly human. Guys do it more often than girls, and in this twisted society, this is the norm and the way people do it, just keep changing plugs till you find one that fits. Unfortunately they often neglect to note the damage these inappropriately shaped plugs do to their hearts, and in the end they might never find the right plug, ever.

Other people fill the hole by diving into work, diving into religion, diving into things, and basically occupying themselves to such an extent that they have no time to think of the hole. For some, the hole heals up and disappears, but for others it widens in silence, until finally it swallows their heart whole.

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What will I do then? I think I'll continue to pray, because it seems that no human has the perfect solution. I think the solution to each hole is as unique as the person is, and sometimes it isn't about finding the right plug, sometimes it's just about putting your heart in the right place, where it can heal and be whole.

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Tomorrow I dive back into the army. Break more barriers, fight through more trainings, and rest well and happily on the weekends. All the while in prayer, and all the while knowing that I am loved, and doing my best to love. It's funny how I spend all my time in camp thinking about playing guitar for Christ, but when I get back the first things I learn are how to play Jason Mraz songs. Something is wrong somewhere, a smoke-screen is up here somewhere, and I don't like it.

I'll cut through this smoke and get to the heart. Then I'll take it to God and offer it as a sacrifice, then I shall receive more than I ever gave, no matter what I receive, and no matter what I give.

Man... Something's different about my blog posts now. I'm not sounding like I was a few posts ago. Strange....

God bless y'all =)

Breaking The Mental Barrier

2010-03-26T22:17:00.004+08:00

1-hour nap in a air-con lecture hall, waking up to heavy rain. Get back to the bunks and find that every other level has had their laundry knocked to the floor except the poles holding my laundry.

The sun is bright and at full heat blast during training, but when I'm exhausted and really can't push my body any further, it starts to rain and we have a very long break, then we out for more training.

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There were many examples of God and His faithfulness and love towards me, and I know I sound very self-centred, but I can't help but smile and laugh in my prayers no matter when I pray. Even when the training's hard and we're being punished I somehow find a joy in God that is impossible to describe. The joy that springs from the statement I make every time before training, and every time it gets hard, "Lord, for You, only You,"

It's amazing that I can still find time to keep on the prayer list. I'm still praying for many people and bringing my focus to them in some ways actually enhances my prayer life. Having no real time to read the Bible, reading Devotional material and praying all day long is pretty much all I can do, but I must say that seeing physical manifestations are clear (but rather subtle) indications of the blessings and presence of the Lord.

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Approached my Fitness Trainer at the end of a PT session, told him, "Hey, instructor, you have fever right? Get well soon, will be praying for you,"

"Oh, you're Catholic?"
"Nah, Christian,"
"Demonination?"
"Erm... Just Protestant,"
He laughs and goes, "Yo, you know next week's Holy Week, right?"

Ohhhh man. Unity in the Lord! I honestly wonder what are the differences between the Catholic and Protestant doctrines. More research is due.

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BLOG TITLE:
To the same trainer, I approached him after a very taxing strength training session.

"Sir, if I do crunches till I can't get up, rest for 5 seconds, then continue doing, it means I haven't hit the maximum yet, right?"

"Nope, it means it was just mental, sometimes our bodies just tell us to stop, but then it won't be optimum muscle building. You still build, but it's not optimum,"

Revelation. So I happily throw myself into training every time after that, pushing my body to the point where it screams for me to stop, and then I make it do some more, just to break the barrier, and I must say, the feeling's AWESOME. The sensation of pushing beyond your boundaries, of beating your own mind and body by the sheer power of will, it's just amazing.

My JC-classmate Chee Hao (or How?) comes to mind, and all his talk on, "It's all in the mind," suddenly all seem to make some sort of sense. Distances I couldn't run before are cake now, and physical activities I previously was completely pwned by are now "easy", in a way. This was a week of learning about breaking mental barriers, and it has me PSYCHED

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DOODLES FROM NOTEBOOK:

Sometimes, the break-up feels like a stupid decision. I remember the hand-holdings, the long phone conversations, and moments of closeness that had nothing to do with physical presence, and my heart aches. It's like a scar, a wound, and funnily enough I was the one to initiate the break-up. Aren't guys tougher than this, sleeping with girls and breaking up like a recreational activity? Am I really so different?

It's probably a good thing I'm different.

Then I remember THE reason why we had to break up, and suddenly the break-up becomes a necessity, not a choice. Still, it has left a vacuum in my heart, and perhaps it's because of this vacuum that I keep thinking, "Which girl will I like next?"

It's rather pathetic, I wish my brain wouldn't think this way, because being a Man means you're stronger than this, it means you're above pain and in control of it.

But sometimes it's hard. She's apparently with ANOTHER boyfriend, again, and I wonder... Is she chasing after a solution as well? A way to fill a void in her own heart? So whose method of coping is better, mine, or hers? I can find myself distracted in church during worship sometimes, and somehow I feel that my motives for wanting to lead worship are not right. I guess it's time for a talk with Johan, or Kelvin. If only Johan would answer his phone...

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God bless y'all =)

1000 Things With Nothing To Say

2010-03-19T22:30:00.002+08:00

Reflections from my Army notebook:

Singaporeans live a life of total and complete luxury, the challenges borne by us ironically produced because of the excess of luxury. It took a week in a camp where they consistently try to regi-mentalize you that I realized that soldiers in today's army are only just a little less spoilt.

Free food/lodging, at only one price: When they "Jump", you scream, "How high?". All "torture" and "punishment" becomes laughably bearable when viewed from a fresh perspective.

1. It's all just physical training, the road to the long-awaited 6-pack.
2. The fact that no matter what crap you go through, with the exceptions of confinement week and outfield camps to Brunei, you'll always have a chance to be with your family every weekend. Just give until your body collapses, and it's a gurantee that physical, spiritual, and mental toughness is gained, and the officers will let you go.

I'll never let them screw with my head. They can have the service, they can drill all the discipline they want, but they will never touch my beliefs nor my mind. Never never never.

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It is family, after all, that is my motivation to serve. Not some grand notion that I will "defend a nation", nor a strong belief in the doing of my "part for the nation" nonsense. This training is so that I'm equipped with the skills to survive in life, and so that I can defend my family if ever I should need to use these skills ever. Giving 100% in this training is my way of glorifying God and consistent prayer is a definite requirement in the Army.

It's unsurprisingly difficult to keep one's mouth clean in the army, probably because everyone's using it and I have a history of using vulgarities a lot.

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BLOG POST:

The rest of my notes were just reflections on pain and God and basically they were "Keeping awake during lectures" notes that I wrote just to... Well, keep awake in lectures. I must say that the Lord has truly been gracious with me this training. I'm now finally praying without ceasing (just to stay sane) and the Lord is answering in amazing ways. Causing circumstances that make me sick, only to find that I then become exempt from all the 'tekan' that everyone else is getting. Not answering my prayers for rain, only to give me a training that makes me so much stronger.

Even when I pray for Singaporean food He tweaked the dinner. On the night I book out (tonight), I prayed, "Lord, I really REALLY wanna eat Singaporean food!" And then, after 13-days, we finally get a load of nothing but spicy food, which I can't touch at all. HAHAHAHA!!!

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I come back after 2 weeks of music and submerge myself in Jason Mraz, while banging on my piano singing praises to God. I also come back with a renewed sense of a lot of things, and I must say that Tekong builds up an appreciation of the little things in life. I'm not talking about proper showers or good food, because we have all that there. I'm talking about freedom, the ability to choose when to go pee/shit and the ability to choose when to rise/sleep. Freedom is stripped from you, and you find out that what makes life sweet truly is the ability to choose.

Then total and utter submission to God now doesn't sound like a lot of fun, does it? However, we must recognize that all things must be held in perspective, and that's a blog post for another time. Hopefully next week.

And tomorrow, I go out! Swimming, LAN, and hopefully I apply for Uni by tomolo. Now, I shall sleep in air-con, just because I finally can. God bless you guys! =)

Bye-Bye

2010-03-05T23:41:00.002+08:00

I enter the hall alone once again, glancing around and looking at the clumps of people huddling together for the warmth, comfort and security of each other. As the teacher reads out the list of top students, my heart glows with joy as I find that so many of my friends are excelling, so many are gonna shoot so far, and I can't help but smile and feel so happy for them. They worked like mad-dogs, they truly deserve the reward. All the while my heart grows still, and a calm settles over me. I don't need a prayer, I don't need a word. I know He's right next to me, waiting just as I am.

When the go-ahead is given, I'm one of the first to rise and the very first to grab his results slip.

GP: B
Econs: C
Maths: B
Physics: C
Chem: C
PW: A
Chinese: S

I feel a slap on my shoulder, "Whaddaya know? Your faith was rewarded!" I smile and give a mental high-five to my Friend, feeling a warm embrace of joy and satisfaction. Strolling around the hall, I feel an inner peace and joy that I haven't felt for a long time. No pangs of envy as others who've soared above me cry over supposedly "bad" results (a.k.a: They have 'A's), no stabs of pride as others cried bitterly over bad results, but simply a detached moment of living in the present where I could laugh and cry with all my friends, totally satisfied by what the Lord has given me.

I find myself perplexed when Hilary shows up with a long face, 'A's and 'B's under her belt with hardly a bad grade in sight. Elizabeth thinks her results are crap in spite of the many 'A's, and Rachel wasn't very satisfied with her 80 rank points for some reason. I suppose when people have hopes and dreams, disappointment and sadness comes with not completely reaching the goal. But sometimes we miss the floating platform only to land on a pot of gold.

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Unable to hang out with my friends as much as I want to, I go out for dinner with my sister and aunt and then play LAN with Johan, Rudi, and my sis. Sitting back down in front of my computer, I marvel that soon I'll be gone for 2 weeks straight before ever seeing the hustle and bustle of Singapore life.

Another sense of calm passes over me as many stories and rumours are remembered in my head about the NS, however, I recall that it is only an experience, and that everything is only another platform through which I can glorify God and have my faith in Him strengthened. It's incredible how Psalms 23 pops up so easily in my head these days, completely memorized in the NIV version word for word. Soon I'll need to start memorizing KJV...

A change in lifestyle is never easy, but I know I'll make it through. This is all an experience, very real, and very fun. God bless y'all =)

Fe-fe-FEARSOME!!!

2010-03-04T20:02:00.004+08:00

Over nearly 50 years, almost 20,000 boys my age flood the Army, maybe more. This'll mean that almost a million men or more have been through what I'm about to go through. On top of that, millions more have received their 'A' level results, and I'm sure there were many who were overjoyed and an equally large group of downcast souls.

So, given the millions that have gone before, why do I still feel so scared? In spite of me rationalizing and realizing that a few years from now this would have just been another experience, the act of living in the present denies me this thought and screams "WTF?!" in my head all the time. Yes, I have a vulgar dark side of my brain. I think it's the cerebrum.

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Went out with Li Yun today, hoped to catch Rudi but caught "Alice in Wonderland" instead. I'm glad she's toughening up and making tough choices. It's about time. Will be interesting to meet her again once the deed has been done. Meanwhile, I now realize why I chase after spending time with friends so much nowadays. When I'm around them I kinda forget that time is flowing, and in that moment of stasis I find some peace. Isn't it the same with God? Well, yes and no. The difference is obvious but difficult to describe

Fear fear fear... Is fear a spirit? Or is it an attitude and train of thought? Does it make a difference? How do we cope with it? Some ignore it, some face it... I'm choosing to turn to God and take deep breaths, hugging the cross like some kind of life buoy, clinging tightly to family, shutting my eyes and not wanting to open them.

Looking at Benedict and his blessed experience, I pray that the Lord would look upon me with such favor. Or maybe He won't, and He'll teach me hard things. Breath in, breath out, step out and fight

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Fear is best taken with a pinch of salt. Realizing that our fears are like that gigantic dragon darting down to bite you. You can stand paralysed, or you can jump, use it's head as leverage, and leap to your castle in the sky. Breathe in, out, pray, trust, and hum a song. Nothing in this life is permanent, everything is an experience. Eventually, I'm going to die, and I'm gonna remember this day.

God bless you =)

Homefulness

2010-02-28T05:47:00.003+08:00

Being home is an incredible experience. I think when I get to the Army I'm probably gonna suffer most from homesickness. Physically and mentally, the hard training can be dealt with, you just gotta desensitise and flow with the events. I think I can do that. I think.

Listenin' to Big Yellow Taxi by Counting Crows.

Sleeping at 9pm, waking up at 5am. It's an old routine that was recently awakened by my trip to the USA. It's great that such a habit was inspired by my uncle. It's also great that I've finally cleaned out my desk space and now my mouse is totally free to move.

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I wrote a message to a girl I like today. I can't send it to her, I sure as anything can't typed it out here, but I wrote it anyway. I think it'll be very cool if a couple of years later we get together and I show her this message of liking that I wrote, it would be sweet right? Yeap, just like in one of those romance movies or something.

I think I have a type of insanity. Whenever I watch a movie I always end up literally living in that world for the next few days, with me as a character in that realm. My thoughts and behaviours shift and change to fit into that universe. People who know me know that's how I was with "Pirates of the Caribbean" and "House". Isn't this a psychological issue? I dunno. It kinda scares me sometimes.

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They paved paradise, and put up a parkin' lot...
(Ooooo... Bab bab bab)

God bless y'all =)

Surreal

2010-02-25T10:01:00.002+08:00

It's finally time to leave. One more dinner and perhaps a long MD2 session with my uncle, and after that I'm leaving this house for good. It's a surreal moment, one I knew would come but I somehow just can't believe it. One part of me feels indifferent because I've never felt like I dropped an anchor here, yet a huge part of me, my memories of this place, wants the rest of me to stay here to cherish it.

It's also probably because of the 3 uncles I have, this one's my favourite, and I believe it's probably because he is extremely similar to my own dad. The two of them are intellectual giants in my family, but yet somehow the Lord has brought them along very different paths, but both are very disciplined and strong in their faith. I find it funny that the people I trust the most in the world rank as follows:
1. Dad
2. Mom
3. Uncle Roger (Ji Chek, or however you spell that)

No need to list how my sister and how Jesus is among them, because those are givens. It's like breathing air, it's almost natural for me to trust them, but I believe that it's manificent that I can confide in my family the most. Friends come and go, but family remains always

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So I'm going back to the land of "La"s lor... It's gonna be good to stop my lazy accent and get back to British English. As fun as American acccents are, they get tiring after forcing 19 years of British Education pounded into my brain

I wonder what I'll miss about this place...

1. Family here
2. The space. America literally takes everything Singapore has and expands it hundred fold, just because they have the space to afford it
3. The air-con-type weather (yet I still have sweaty palms)
4. In-And-Out Burgers (but really, it's their fries)

... It's no wonder I find it easy to leave. All I need to do is save up money during Army, then I can make a trip back here to visit the only thing on that list that's making me wanna stay:
Family

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I've compiled a super list of souvenirs I bought, and almost everyone I know will get a gift, at least a pin. Hmmm... Keep in mind the keyword is ALMOST. I'm not rich enough to buy gifts for everyone I know.

I leave at 6:50am on 25th Feb, arriving in Singapore at 12am 27th Feb. In actuality I'm not gonna be on the plane for long, it's just because of GMT... Soon I'll be out of -8 and back in +8

God bless y'all =)

Shutter Island and Fear

2010-02-24T11:50:00.004+08:00

Shutter Island: M18 movie for coarse swearing in one scene and one scene where you see a cell full of nude male patients doing absolutely nothing of any significance. Yet, somehow these singular events that would otherwise give a PG-13 rating actually make Shutter Island a truly scary experience. Very good movie, 4.5/5. The 0.5 goes away cos it's 2.5 hours long, but it needs that amount of time to build the plot. Still... It's too long =P

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"Well, your results come out on the 5th of March,"
*My hearts stops*
"So... You get to go to NS on 6th of March,"
*I realize I've forgotten to breath. I take a breath and my heart starts to pound. Closing my eyes and diving into my subconscious, I see a gremlin using my heart as a punching bag, it's manic smile plastered firmly on that disgusting face.

"So," it sneers, "How you like me now?"

I prefered when that S.O.B called Fear was forgotten rather than dredged up

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I took my PSLE results full of confidence, but winded up with crap
I took my 'O' Level results full of confidence, and got gold
I'm taking my 'A' Level results without confidence... I wonder what I'll get

Only a few things are for sure when I get my results:
- I will tear up
- I will say, "Oh, my God..."
- I will smile

The difference is whether or not my smile is a defense mechanism or its genuine

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Along with the coming 'A' Level results comes a sense of closure. My holidays are now well and truly at an end, all that's left is to give the gifts when I get back to Singapore, then I'm on my way to a new chapter. This holidays was something I was due to receive whether I deserved it or not, and so I'm left standing at the edge of the Grand Canyon once more, wondering, "Did I deserve this?"

If I did, then I haven't wasted it

If I didn't, then I've received grace, I haven't wasted it, and I pray that now the Lord will give me wisdom

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First thing I thought of was to pray for fear to go away. I decided in the end to pray for wisdom of what to do after my results came in. Whether good or bad... Wisdom is definitely what I need. Especially since no one will be by my side when I grab that envelope

God bless y'all

P.S:
Uploaded all the USA photos into Picasa. Viola! Enjoy! (The typo is intentional)

http://picasaweb.google.com/shanegoh

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Sin City- Las Vegas

2010-02-23T00:11:00.003+08:00

Anyone know how accessible porn is on the internet? Oh, who am I kiddin, everyone who uses the internet would've had SOME exposure to porn, whether they wanted to or not. Well, here in wonderful Vegas, exposure to soft-porn is like exposure to air, it's every-freaking-where!

When you're not trying to tear your eyes away from posters that show women clad in almost nothing, you're trying to look away from real-life women who're wearing clothes that boast cleavage and curvy hips. You walk down the street to take your mind off it, only to have hundreds of buses with ads on the sides that have topless women (breasts covered by the banner, of course) that scream, "Hot Women Waiting To Direct You!"

In your hotel room... K, wait, all hotels give the option for adult movies, so I'm not gonna comment since it's so common. OH! I watched, "Ponyo" and "Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs". FUN!!!! Each movie cost $11 though... Bummer

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Went to "Hooters" to eat. I dunno what these American men are so worked up about. Women wearing tight short shorts with tight singlets, mostly very well-endowed and smiling. Sounds a lot like a typical PE scene only without many of the factors mentioned above. In other words, I tried not to look at ANY of them while watching a basketball match. It's not so much that I wanna be presented as "Holier than thou", as much as I just don't wanna fall in any way

It's a hatred of sin, not a desire for righteousness, that drives me now. Is that strange at all? Because I can tell that they aren't necessarily one and the same

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What else happened... Hmmm... WENT TO A CSI EXPERIENCE! Got a chance to play with interactive booths that let you kinda experience what you see the CSIs do every week. Videos showing the various CSIs guiding you through the process was also very cool.

Best bit? Gil Grissom guides you all the friggin' way. GIL GRISSOM! YAY!

In the autopsy section, they put a plain, pure white mannequin (I hope that's how it's spelt) on a table. Then, to show the autopsy itself, they use holograms to show the body parts and stuff. Wayyyy cool.

I EVEN GOT MY OWN CSI DIPLOMA!!!
(This experience was meant for kids 13 and above, so bear with me =P)

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Other than that, the food here wasn't great or memorable. I MISS SINGAPOREAN FOOD! I WANT CHICKEN RICE AND FRIED RICE AND HOR FUN AND... Well, MacDonalds' tastes the same here =)

After Vegas, 8-hour drive back to Irvine because of a HUGE traffic jam, and that's about it. Also of note, looking at the pictures we took, I'm getting fat and chubby. YES! The Army's transformation of me will be DRAMATIC! Exactly what I was planning. Honestly!

God bless y'all!

Grand Canyon

2010-02-22T23:51:00.004+08:00

After a 4-hour drive to Las Vegas, getting into the hotel to sleep was a major priority. Walking into the red-carpeted lobby, you see staff who look like real posh, and guests who look much less posh. Grabbed the keys to the room, went up, hit the queen-sized bed and fell asleep.

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Next morning, woke up, remembered the song, "Waking Up In Vegas", laughed a little, then went down to meet uncle. Surprise surprise, as soon as I hit the first floor, I get lost in the casino, which spans the majority of the lobby. Walking back and forth between the various slot machines and blackjack tables, I realize that it's a good thing that I'm not a gambler, cos I didn't feel the slightest inclination to go try my luck.

After making my way out of that maze of bright lights and horrible music, I find my uncle in the lobby, then we head off to the Grand Canyon! Another 4-hours on the road and a Denny's lunch later, we arrived at the gorgeous park.

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My uncle describes his first visit to the Canyon as life-changing. "I stood at the south rim, looked out over the Canyon as the sun set, and I thought to myself, 'One day, I'm gonna live here!'"

Well, it's been 14 years in the USA, he's certainly made good on his word. Standing at the edge of a 12-storey drop, I kinda agreed with him, the Canyon was magnificent. The 12-storey drop lead to a ledge covered in snow, and beyond that was a dizzying 40-50 storey drop to the bottom of the Canyon. I make these estimates because I didn't bother reading the information booklet for the actual height (who does?), and all I could think of as I stood on slippery snow and clinging onto a thin metal railing for my life was, "Ohhhhhh shiiittt... That's a loooonnnggg drop..."

Oh, and at the "base" of the Canyon, after the 100-storey fall, there're STILL more canyons in the canyon floor that show roaring rivers that have the power to level entire towns! Scary bit was these raging rivers looked like snot-dribbles from where I was standing.

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Wandering around the various look-out points, it's honestly difficult to descirbe the Canyon's beauty. I mean, you could go to Google images or Google earth and look it up, but nothing beats looking at it up close and personal.

Also of hilarious note, my uncle and I found the "Shrine of the Ages". Noting my avatar's nick, we HAD to take a photo with this Shrine! I mean, my people need me! The people who worship and adore this Shrine ought to know who Ages really is! In fact, they should read this blog too! Anyways, getting to the Shrine, we find an ordinary-looking building with a board outside that says, "Worship Schedule", and to my glee we discover that this Shrine was being used to worship the King of kings and the Lord of lords, GOD HIMSELF!

Oh my goodness. Does my nick proud, doesn't it? =)

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Wanted to buy a nagaho dream-catcher, but unfortunately I couldn't think of a nice place to hang it up in my house and I really REALLY didn't want anyone screaming, "Oh! Demonic presence!" and all that nonsense. So, didn't get it. Instead, I bought a voodoo doll. KIDDING! *grumble*

Up next... Las Vegas and why it's called sin city!

Worship "The Rock"

2010-02-19T04:20:00.002+08:00

No no no, not worship "The Rock" Wade Johnson, the famous WWE star. It's worship "The Rock" upon which the wise man built his house, JESUS! (frankly, Jesus beats The Rock any day)

http://www.worshiptherock.com

Interesting website. A site for worship leaders to come together and discuss, a site for songwriters to share their work, AND a place for musicians and AV people to give tips and tricks along the way. Worship sets are uploaded and some very interesting original songs have been added as well.

A gigantic playground for all Christians, so go go go!

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How did I find this website? Heh, you wouldn't believe it!

... Seriously, you wouldn't believe it. It involves Google Search, and randomly typing your friend's names in. Try it out! I've found that several of my friends are senators, musicians, and models. A lot of models are named Naomi, and a lot of chinese men are named Rudi, etc etc

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The debates and discussions that go on there are enough to keep my mind occupied. Yay!

God bless y'all =)

Universal Studios!

2010-02-17T13:08:00.002+08:00

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Every guy's nightmare/dream. When a really beautiful/sweet/smart/etc girl likes you, and you have no clue why. I got that once, I kinda still dunno why. I'm sure every husband out there in the world probably asks themselves that same question in amazement, "She said YES?"

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Went to Universal Studios yesterday. Or the day before that. Hmmm... Anyways, I'd upload photos but the camera's still nowhere in sight.

1. Went to do a Studio Tour, where nothing was very interesting except for two bits:
- We stepped onto the main street set of "Ghost Whisperer"
- We saw the plane crash site from "War Of The Worlds" up close. It looked real (I still think they crashed an actual plane there)

2. Had lunch, saw a Zorro play-fight, then took a photo with him and his girlfriend. (hopefully pictures come out in the next post) So remember people: Always bring your lightsaber out, you never know when you get to take a cool photo with it

3. Sat a Simpson's Ride where the ride you're in rises up and brings you to a room that is essentially a TV, with sound and video coming from all around you, as if they threw you into the TV. COOL!
Quotable Quote:
*Gigantic Maggie stomps around the town*
Homer: I'm not changing THAT diaper!

4. When through 2 shows, a Special Effects show (where a kid was made to face down a werewolf, and Backdraft, where they showed pyrotechnics. Note, the werewolf was a real werewolf, not one of those Twilight thingies.

5. Sat on two rides that are really so pathetic I shouldn't even mention them. So I won't. I'll instead skip over to a terrifying walk I took

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HOUSE OF HORRORS

As the name suggests, only an idiot would walk through this. Fortunately, I'm an idiot, and there were plenty of idiots with me. Stepping up through the fast lane (I had a special pass) the lady signalled me to go in, alone. Stepping into the darkness, my eyes slowly adjusted till I could just barely make out the walls and decor. A group of 2 guys and 2 gals walks in behind me, and me being the courteous man I am, I let them go first.

It's interesting how playing "Modern Warfare 2" has actually HELPED me in this walk. I could differetiate between the decor and the actors, I checked corners and saw the surprises before they could jump and freak me out. Several note-worthy scary moments was that there was this wall filled with skulls. As we passed by, a skeleton suddenly stepped out. The only part of the walk I was truly terrified at was the last bit.

At the end of a short corridor, the light of the exit shines. As my group hurries forward, I notice the walls are covered in hands. Just before my feet can reach the light, a pair of hands reach out and try to grab me. I think I let my guard down, because of all the scary things I went through in the House, that was arguably the most scary bit

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After that, took photos, drove around the Hollywood area, took photos at the walk of fame... Bought Oscars for people... Erm... I think that's about it actually. More to see in the photos I guess.

TTFN, tata for now. God bless =)

The real post is the next one

2010-02-16T14:25:00.003+08:00

Ever read back on old diary entries and find that you're relating to the person, yet at the same time marvelling at how unbelieveably stupid this person is?

Read back on my old blog posts, a fear arises in me that I haven't changed much at all. I'm still full of nonesense and still naive. I think Hilary was right, I don't and can't change, and it's really quite pathetic. When you don't change, you don't improve, and when you can't improve you're worth nothing more than... Nothing.

Humph. I wonder when I became so moody. It's the pride, I believe. It's because someone else's life has become awesome almost as soon as that person decided to cut all forms of contact with me. It's like I'm a plague, I screwed up almost any one I got really close to. I'm so close to myself that I screwed myself up.

What if Hilary's right, and the whole lot of them, that something's wrong with me? Something... Spiritually wrong? Is there something wrong with my basic Christian doctrine? Something wrong with the way I worship? Something wrong with how I know God?

I don't know if I should push these questions or to focus on simply growing. After all, I don't know if I'm chasing phantoms or if I'm building on weak foundations. But it's hard not to question after one of your closest friends basically ditches you and you find that she's apparently completely right. If we are to acknowledge facts based on empirical evidence, then this is one strong case.

Happy Valentine's Day and a Happy Chinese New Year!

2010-02-15T06:02:00.004+08:00

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I don't endorse "Love at first sight", cos I believe love is a series of actions and its a verb, not a noun. However, I like the funky beat of the song and the flash animation is interesting. A real love story, however, would be the video below:

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Now, I find neither of the events that happen on this particular 14th Feb 2010 very interesting, since I'm not very 'chinese' and I'm single. However, I feel obliged to blog about my angry yesterdays (while listening to the love songs I posted above!)

SIX FLAGS MAGIC MOUNTAIN!
Oh man, oooooohhh man... Imagine the whole of Takashimaya, Wisma, and Paragon area was one big plot of land where a rollercoaster would sit. Now, imagine looking up at Takashimaya. That was kinda like what it was like being at Six Flags, EVERY ROLLERCOASTER was as tall as Takashimaya, and it covered enough land for the three malls I've just stated. Yes, it's THAT friggin' HUGE!

And I sat on 'em all =)

X2:
To begin the day, I sat the worse ride of the lot: X2. The ride that warns its riders to bring an extra pair of underwear because those who are not strong enough will pee/poop in their pants. Sitting on a comfortable chair, your legs dangle and your arms flap as two rails wrap themselves around your shoulders. Nothing on your lap, no belt, no harness, just rails on your shoulders.

Your chair tilts backwards and now you're lying down, and the ride moves you out of the station. They play peaceful country music that suddenly breaks into static and suddenly plays hard rock. The rollercoaster moves up the tracks and reaches the peak, then it goes over slowly, letting you experience what it's like to rest on your shoulders. Then the music dies, and a voice calls out, "Wait, who's idea was this?!" And the brakes release.

You drop down, watching the ground rush up to you as you dangle by your shoulders. Just before you hit the ground, you're swung upwards, and you're thrown into the sky, the strain still on your shoulders. You go through a variety of turns that show you just how strong your shoulders really are, and then finally they bring you back into the ride. This ride had people crying.

Like me! Apparently as we were coming in, one of the Youth leaders saw my wallet fall out, change flying EVERYWHERE... And till now it hasn't been found. My SIM card was in that wallet!

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Goliath:
Unbelievably pissed that I lost my wallet at X2, I reported to Lost and Found, who politely told me:

We'll shut down the ride at the end of the day, do a sweep, and you can check back then.

While waiting for 7pm at 1pm, I decided to follow the Youth to the next ride, Goliath. Really, hanging with these Youths is no different to being in Newton Life. They have cliques and chat with each other, I just trail along behind. Or I walk in front. Whatever, I was there for the rides, and I got exactly what I wanted at Goliath.

An orange coaster pulls in, and everyone gets off except for one guy, whose rail is stuck. I step over him and into the seat next to him.

Shane: Hi, I'm Shane
Channing: Hi, I'm Channing.

The blond finally gives up struggling and decides to sit the ride one more time.

Channing: This your first time on this?
Shane: Yeap. You?
*both laugh*

The rollercoaster moves up the tracks, and at its peak you see the entire park AND the surrounding landscape. I'd venture to say that we were at a height greater than most HDB flats. At that point, I realized I only had a rail on my lap and nothing else. Looking down at the nearly vertical drop, I managed to ask, "Wait, what do I gr-" Before we were plunged down.

Falling down while using your knees to grip the lap rail isn't a nice thing, especially when you're suddenly concerned your silky smooth butt will slide off the seat and send you into oblivion (I LOVE that word. Oblivion!) The coaster flips on its side and does an uber turn, letting me experience centripetal and centrifugal forces for myself. Can I say that those forces binds butts and seats?

After a whacky ride (really, the worst part was the first drop), I got off, and poor Channing was STILL stuck in the ride. Walking off with another Youth (Will, I believe his name was) we suddenly heard a voice behind us.

?: Yeah, I got to ride it twice.
*I turn around and face Channing*
Shane: Oh, you got off?
Channing: Yeah...
Shane: What, no third time?
Channing: Dude! No way!
*laughing like mad men*

And I never saw Channing again.

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TRUE LOVE WAITS RALLY:
Apparently, 13th February at the park is special. An abstinence rally was held, and the theatre in the park was turned into a "church" of sorts. Worship session was good, in terms of leading, playing, and song choice. However, it was very technically poor, the electric guitar gave nothing but feedback and the crowd was very unresponsive, even uninterested. I guess that's what happens when you pull in the Youth groups from all over the country to one of the biggest theme parks around.

Talking about how sex is meant for marraige and stuff, stuff I've heard before.

I've realized something about hot girls in America, they don't exist alone. If you EVER see a hot girl, she's usually next to a hot guy, or in the middle of a group of other hot girls and/or guys. Which leads me to conclude... Nothing really. I just find it funny. HAHAHAHA!!! (poor lonely Shane...)

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Speaking of poor and lonely, I now have no wallet. Much ado about nothing on a midsummer night's dream, o brave new world... Sigh...

Well, I wish you welll and that all blessings you give will come back x10! So that when you give, people give back more, and you give 'em somemore, and so on, and soon the world will be a high density network of giving, and eventually everything catapaults over to God! YAY!!!

God bless y'all =P

I CAN SKI! ... Sorta

2010-02-13T13:51:00.003+08:00

The drive up to Big Bear Summit was surreal towards the end. After an hour of driving on roads and freeways, the route finally turned to mountain trails, where a wrong turn of even the slightest degree could send you flying off the roads into the valley below. Yes, it was that cool.

Thank God for my uncle's driving, even when the twists and turns got a little too sharp. The scenery eventually turned from yellow rock and dirt to white and grey stone and snow. Yes, snow. Looking over the mountain trails, off in the distance I see shadows of mountains, like those you'll find on certain logos and post cards. However, these shadows were REAL mountains, only really far away! And there they were, hovering in mid-air, everything obscured in clouds and fog (and pollution)

That people can believe in evolution suddenly makes sense. Its really hard to imagine that God created all of this, all life, all everything. I haven't done it yet but I think if I tried to take that into consideration when we say, "Jesus died for our sins," It's simply too incredible. Christians have strong minds backed by fatih, I believe, because otherwise our heads would be blown to bits.

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For those who wonder what snow is like, go to the nearest supermarket or wet market. Look at the section where they display fish and stuff. They probably got a ton of crushed ice and stuff, and that's exactly what snow is. If you took crushed ice and crushed it to finer bits, you get real snow. Honest! Now, as for FALLING snow, I didn't see any on this trip, but I'm gonna assume it's like falling crushed ice.

EDIT:
I'm told what I saw wasn't fresh snow, it was a little old. Real snow is like powder. Sorry people, I've yet to see TRUE snow. So sad...

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Learnt how to ski. The instructor was very kind, by the end of the 1-hour lesson he said, "You just need more confidence! You're better than you give yourself credit for!" Well, yes sir, but that's because skiing was almost exactly like rollerblading!

Yes, people, imagine ice-skating or rollerblading, and that's basic skiing. The real high velocity skis are something I've yet to try, given that I've only had 1 hour of experience, but the basics are the same. That said, skiing feels cool, but snow-boarding looks kick-@$$! (also, it's easier to pick up)

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All in all, leaving the house at 10am and coming back at 7pm, I realized that if we only spent say 2 hours at the place, we spent 7 hours driving in total, and spent approximately $300, not counting the extra costs of gas and food and water.

Yes, America is an expensive land, in case we didn't need anymore reminders

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Tomorrow I go to "Six Flags", a theme park filled with nothing but adrenaline pumping rollercoaster rides! See, when I went to Disneyland, I realized something: As a kid, I loved themed rides, but now, I enjoy rollercoasters the best. Something about it just makes me laugh so hard and I just wanna go again and again.

If I lived here and could afford it, I would go for a ride every week. If I don't have time I'd probably squeeze it in after church or something.

"Hallelu-YAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!"

I sat the California Screamer 4 times in a single day, just because I couldn't get enough of the ride. I'm told that's not even a proper rollercoaster compared to what I'll be facing tomorrow. Never before have I felt this psyched about going to a theme park.

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"Life's like a rollercoaster. Full of twists and turns, ups and downs, you never know what's gonna happen,"

Bull. Life's NOTHING like a rollercoaster. It would imply that you could learn its tricks and how to cope. It implies that eventually someone would figure out where all the turns are. What if life's a PERSONALIZED rollercoaster? Then the person who says this would have to believe in a God who designed the person's life, because then there would have to be a Designer who built the rollercoaster. Even then, life's nothing like a rollercoaster.

It's just a very pretty saying that makes sense until we think about it.

God bless y'all! =)

P.S:
UNCLE MATTHEW AND HAN YU! I'll only be back in Singapore on the 27th of February. You NEED to tell me what you want from Starbucks here, or else I'm just gonna get you a USA-exclusive or something the cashier recommends.

Lucid Dreams: 1. Rachel Ong

2010-02-12T14:09:00.004+08:00

Inspired by Berakah, I've decided to share the most awesome dreams I've ever had. There're only three so far that I can remember off the top of my head, and its because they were lucid dreams. At least, I only remember the bits that were lucid. The rest of the dreams took on a life of their own =P

The first lucid dream that I can recall involves Rachel Ong.

History:
Rachel and I had dreams about each other roughly about the same night, but I think its cool to say that we had the dreams on the exact same night, no? Anyways, she dreams of a gun fight, and so did I. Hers was different, so I'll tell hers first and let y'all judge whose was cooler (personally, I think mine is cooler)

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RACHEL'S VERSION:
We're at her house in New Zealand, shooting each other. Tada! (seriously, she didn't describe much of her dream to me)

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MY VERSION:
I'm walking in SAJC. Just as I pass the study area on the 2nd level, walking towards the staff room, the "camera" zooms out and shows Rachel over by the Mentors' Room, propped up with a sniper rifle, a small smile on her face. I pass the glass doors of the staff room and she grins from ear to ear, muttering, "Gotcha!" and she fires.

Somehow the shot misses me, and I backpedal, apparently shocked that my own President would try to kill me, screaming, "What the hell, Rachel?!"

The camera zooms back in on Rachel, who now looks deadly serious and pissed. She muttered, "Darn," and pulls out an assault rifle from out of nowhere, and charges down the Computer lab corridors towards me. Backpedaling to back to the study area, I finally "wake up" and realize I was dreaming. Not wanting to die in my own dream, I pulled out two pistols from out of nowhere (I just knew how to make them appear)

I spun and fired off one round, making the bullet curve around the corner and hit the pillar nearest to Rachel, who isn't the least bit fazed and continues onwards, running around the corner and shooting at me like something out of the Matrix.

Best bit: We're both in full school uniform

After that I pretty much forget about the rest of the fight, but I remember waking up and thinking, "MAN! THAT WAS SO COOL!"

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2 other lucid dreams I had. More next time I blog

Man, saw Gabrielle Megan's profile (that girl from my previous post)... Apparently she has a "rocker" boyfriend now. So, is my dream a psychic vision that she can actually sing? *shrug*

God bless y'all! =)

Dream Journal, Nightmare Record

2010-02-11T01:03:00.003+08:00

My brain likes to screw around with me, and I say this though my mind resides in it. Or does the mind reside in the heart, and the brain is only an instrument? Hmmm...

I had a dream last night that I attended a concert. Mr Goh Chok Tong was there (man I hope I spelt it right) anyways... The ex-PM and I were to attend some concert for no apparent reason and I was apparently a very distant relative. Makes sense right? Shane GOH, GOH Chok Tong? But I digress.

The end result was the two of us sitting together at the front, yet for some reason nobody seemed to notice us. In fact, I can't seem to remember anyone else being there, because all the faces in the crowd were blurred together, out of focus, kinda like when I'm giving a public speech.

Then, to my surprise, Gabrielle Megan, a REALLY old friend whom I haven't spoken with in 4 years, jumps up on stage, looking absolutely gorgeous. Make-up was well applied to her face, because it looked flawless. Last I remembered her face was covered in pimples. Her hair was long and lustrous (at least, I think that's how to describe it) and she was tall. Ho boy, she used to be really REALLY short, but now she was almost to my height. And she could SING, ho boy she could sing. But after the initial shock of seeing her wore off, the dream skipped to the end of the performance, before she could get the first note in.

Wait, then how did I know she could sing? Hmmm...

Afterwards, she came to me for a brief moment, "Hi, Shane!"
"Hi! Long time no-" and before I could get to the end of my sentence, she dashes off and joins the throng, faraway and somewhere I couldn't reach. My mouth opened and closed uselessly as words got stuck in my throat, and all I could think in my head was, "WTH?!"

"Wassap, young man?" an elderly voice accompanied by a tap on my should prompted me to turn around, and I saw Lee Kwan Yew with Beethovan/Einstein hair.

Then I woke up

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Yes, my dreams leave much to be desired.

God bless y'all =)

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

2010-02-09T13:35:00.002+08:00

A show that, by Singaporean standards, would rank under an M18 status, but I watched it anyway, cos it has Jim Carrey in it, and I know when he acts in serious roles the results are astounding (Watch Man on the Moon if you don't believe me)

The show is about a man and a woman, in a rocky relationship. The man's withdrawn and soft-spoken, the woman is outspoken and an open book. By the end of the relationship the impulsive woman gets her memories of the man erased. The movie is about this man erasing memories of her, and the journey of love he rediscovers. At the end of it all they both forget about each other, but end up together again anyway.

M18 for suggestive themes and groping (though it was only because of a joke, she was 'killing' him)

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When people fall, it is nothing more than a lesson to learn, and a reminder that we are imperfect. To be disappointed or humiliated is a mark of pride, like going, "How could I have fallen? How could this happen to me?"

In the case of sin, we feel sad, because the Holy Spirit within us is grieved as we stray from righteousness. A while ago I made a commitment not to fall again, because I hated the feeling of dirt and sadness, yet somehow I find incredible ways to sin, and often times it leads to a downward spiral.

Often in those times I find it hard to raise my head in the presence of the Lord, but now I realize that we are no less clean or unclean before Him in the end. If we are cleansed, then we are cleansed, and only our feet need to be washed. That in mind, the Lord of Righteousness and the Lord of Mercy and Grace suddenly become one and the same, and we can see how God can be righteous yet merciful and gracious in His ways

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La la... I feel like jumping out of the house and doing stuff. Last time I did that I had a fascinating encounter with a Korean girl. Maybe this time something different will happen. All I know is I'm gonna jump out praying again. Who knows, if the Lord is willing maybe He'll use me to reveal Himself to someone.

Yeah... Maybe tomorrow I'll go play basketball

God bless y'all =)

Random USA

2010-02-08T13:00:00.002+08:00

Today at MacDonalds' (yes, they have that in the USA) I sat next to a retarded woman. As in, she was actually retarded, I can't remember the "good" name for them, but hey, you call a spade a spade. Anyways, she was eating ice-cream, giggling to herself as she licked each spoon clean. I think to myself, "Wow, if only I could enjoy every spoon of food I eat just like that. I'd be over the moon everyday!

Then I think (yes, I do this all the time) about how this person can enter into the grace of God. He is fair, right? So I'd venture a guess, and this is pure speculation, that if the person is totally unable to make a choice of their own, like a child, then I pray that the grace of the Lord brings them to know Him in eternity. But this can only ever be speculation because the standards of God are not mine, for His are of a higher order (a.k.a: An order that I cannot comprehend)

Then when I think that these people are potential children of God, I suddenly feel my face getting hot with anger as I think about the many cases when people take advantage of them. The many "rapes" of these slow women, the manipulation of the slow men, these SOBs who just take whatever the hell they want and laugh themselves into a happy grave. And so, this is why I continually pray that myself (and others, of course) will come up with a Christian response to these people automatically. Something like:

We extend grace to them as the Lord extended grace to us. We forgive much for we have been forgiven much. Hate the sin and not the sinner (stuff like that, etc)

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Today I watched the series, "Undercover Boss" and was astounded. The premise of the show is where the head of a huge company goes down and experiences life as one of his own workers in the various sectors. In this particular episode, there was one woman the boss worked with who was working four different jobs at the same time, but was getting paid for only one. She supports a huge family of about seven, and here's something from the show I roughly remember her saying:

"I have had almost every possible disease a kid could have before 21, fought off 5 different cancers by 25. Now, at 29, I'm no ordinary woman... I wouldn't say I don't need more pay, but I just wanna work hard and do my best,"

Incredible because she deserves more but doesn't ask for it, and does four jobs so efficiently...

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And now... I've entered Prestige Mode in MD2 (YES!)

God bless y'all =)

Evermore, Evermore

2010-02-07T11:18:00.003+08:00

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First time I heard "Evermore", I got goosebumps at the first chorus. Impressive words to sing to Him, especially when it's so difficult to muster such devotion, having never done it before. Incredible thing to proclaim, when we too often imagine that we are the heroes of our own stories, when in reality we're little more than servants with incredible power and blessing: Eternal life and the Living God, the Holy Spirit dwelling within us.

Everytime I think of a time when I really wanna worship God, it was always at 6:34, when a loud declaration, an anthem saying, "YOU are MY God, my life, my all! I live for YOU alone!" And everyone in the worship hall, everyone on Earth, everything under Heaven and over Earth raising all hands, paws, wings, to the King of everything. Even the rocks and trees praise Him in their own ways, and that gives us something to think about, how sometimes just being still in itself serves a purpose. Just living is giving praise sometimes.

Everyone and everything exclaiming, proclaiming, screaming and shouting, "YOU, Yhwh, Jehovah, God Almighty, Maker of Heaven and Earth and the God of soooo many titles... I serve YOU!" It's an incredible sight in my head, an estascy of sorts that all living creatures experience when they are fulfilling their created purpose, to glorify their Maker

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Good song, found it through Samuel Tung's blog. Incredible as well.

Man... I'm lvl 69 on MD2 =P

May God increase you desire to draw closer to Him, that He may draw closer to you. And if you don't believe it'll happen, read your Bible, do a quick Google search, and its a promise from God in the Bible. Draw near to Him, and He'll draw near to you. A little doubt now and then is healthy, but never lose your faith =)

God bless!

Asd

2010-02-05T12:14:00.002+08:00

Soft baby blue strokes the green earth, a flare of red making one final rebellion against the coming darkness. As if the night were trying to quench the fires of the sun, and the blue was it's message to the people of Earth, saying, "Good job today. Rest well,"

Or perhaps the darkness heralds very different tidings for others, yet I am among those blessed to sleep for the whole night, while others I know do not.

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY SISTER, NICOLE! For those of you who don't know her, it's alright. For those of you who do, GO WISH HER! ... please?

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Today my uncle dropped me off at Barnes and Nobles Bookstore, where I sat from 12pm to 6pm reading non-stop. Also, I realized that I've been drinking 2 cups of Starbucks coffee everyday, every morning... Hmmm...

I look forward to each day, wondering what else can I do with my day here. Being in a foreign land inspires me to get up and do stuff, even playing computer games becomes something of an experience. When I'm in Singapore though, I'm more than content to sit in my house and waste away my time. Maybe I should have gone out more often? The experience of simply walking, soaking up atmosphere and life, makes me believe each of us is created with a sort of social sponge that wants to be filled with social energies.

I use these very hippie terms for lack of better words. Honest!

God bless y'all =)

Prayer Journals

2010-02-04T13:24:00.003+08:00

Today I went for the Youth group meeting of First Baptist Church of Irvine (FBCI). They gave out "Prayer Journals" and explained how to use 'em. Basically you write down every prayer request, pray for the requests, and pen down any changes (for example: If the request is answered, and how it was answered)

I thought about it, long and hard, what would I pray for?
- That God would increase my desire to pray
- That God would increase my desire to do Bible study
- That God would increase my desire to draw close to Him
- Hilary's skin
- Rudi's salvation
- Li Yun's salvation
- Jeremy and his running of Life Concert
- Celine and her ex-co for their running of Easter Week

I thought about it and said, "If I had to pray for EVERYTHING... That would take a whole day!" And the truth is, it doesn't take more than an hour. The question really is: Are you willing to sit down, pray to God, and wait for an answer? And I think it'll be a sad day when people have to put off an hour with God just to do... Whatever

Anyways, I'll do this journal thing and see how it goes. They say God answers prayers. They know it, I kinda know it, now it's time to record it

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God bless y'all =)

Overdue Photos + Disneyland

2010-02-03T13:03:00.002+08:00

Any of y'all remember that time when you were supposed to visit this place you really wanted to go to, but the catch was that you had to bring along people who may slow you down a little? This is kinda what happened today. I approached the day with cynicism, thinking that I would have to spend most of my time baby sitting and tolerating my grandparents. Well, it wasn't horrible, in fact, when I wasn't fighting the urge to pull my hair out, I thought it was sweet that my grandparents show love to one another by bickering, arguing, and basically being impossible.

Here's a picture of the lightsabers I promised to upload yesterday...

They seriously look good in real life, AND they can really take a beating. My uncle and I tested this.

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And so, I stepped into...

DISNEYLAND CALIFORNIA! The original theme park built by Walt Disney himself on an old orange plantation!

I saw many things, and I wish I could upload every picture we took, but I'm tired and come on, the pictures are honestly not that interesting. What was interesting was how you could FEEL it when you stepped into a new section. Crossing over from 'Tomorrowland' into 'ToonTown' was as simple as crossing a line. The whole atmostphere, the BGM, the roads, the signs, EVERYTHING changed when you stepped into a different theme. Even the accents of the shopkeepers would change!

I wish I could bottle my experiences and just give them out for free. In my opinion, pictures do little justice to the feelings of being there, and they are nowhere near the iceberg at all.

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For those of you who haven't been on a rollercoaster before, I'll try to explain it to ya. I sat on ALL the hardcore rides in Disneyland and I can see why it is effective stress relief.

Ever swung a bucket full of water around, and you wondered how the water stayed in? Ever wished you could experience it? That's essentially a roller-coaster ride. You feel forces pushing and pulling you in every direction. Gravity stops working while you're on that thing, and you're left at the mercy of the powers of Physics, and to fend for yourself you need Physics eyes. (thank you, my secondary school Physics teacher, Mr Tan)

I even sat on the "It's A Small World Afterall" ride, and I'm telling you, if I hear one more idiot humming that tune I'm gonna bite my nails so hard it'll make them wanna grow backwards. It's ANNOYING! Worse, here's a picture of that demonic "golden sun" they keep singing about

Can you SEE that?! Those evil glowing eyes, that knowing smile, that wicked design?! All hung up next to a dark tunnel with an innocent looking banner above it that says, "Farewell".

*shudder*

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And arguably my favourite part of the theme park, THE JEDI ACADEMY!

Click on the pictures to go to my photobucket to get a better look. I think I'll be uploading the rest of the photos to photobucket, eventually. God bless y'all =)

TGIM

2010-02-02T07:52:00.003+08:00

"Shane! We need to get your Mordern Warfare 2 up to level 70, then Prestige Mode BEFORE you go back to Singapore! Go do your homework! NOW!"

Today, we bought a red lightsaber. Pictures coming up later tonight when they look their best. Bought a shirt for my mom, which I looked upon in admiration and horror. It's a beautiful shirt, but then why is my mom soooooo small?!

Bought "Star Wars: The Force Unleashed" PC Version. Looking for stuff for my sister and dad now. Later on I might use leftover cash to get stuff for Samu, Victor, Rachel, and Samantha. And Benedict =)

Yes... Today's a good day as well. Apparently I'm to accompany my grandparents to Disney Land tomorrow (DON'T laugh! You heartless readers!)

God bless y'all, hope the song below is encouraging y'all and getting you guys dancing =)

One Day

2010-02-02T01:07:00.001+08:00

Best Picture:
He isn't here. He's risen!

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Lightsaber Sunday

2010-02-01T11:18:00.005+08:00

Today my uncle, my two grandmothers, my 4-year-old cousin, Ryan, and myself, went to Toys'R'Us. We went to buy him a gun, and I saw a section selling lightsabers like none we have ever seen in Singapore. They're actually translucent and looked good. So, I bought one, just to test it out and check, then if it's cool, we'll buy another one. I'll bring back both so that my family can play with them.

Coming home, my cousin swinging his new gun, my uncle and I put the batteries into the lightsaber, and the following conversation happened:

Shane-
Whoa! The sound effects are awesome! And look at the light!

Uncle-
Yeah, but... *knocks the lightsaber against something* It doesn't have the "clash" sound effect

*Shane grabs the lightsaber and whacks it against his palm, HARD. The crash sound comes out*

Shane-
See? You need to hit it hard! They're made to hit stuff really hard and not spoil, so that when two people play with these things...

*My uncle and I have an ephiphany at the same moment, grinning at each other*

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Tomorrow I'll visit the toy store again and I'll upload pictures =)

Edit: My grandmother learns Tai Chi Sword-Style (Taiji Jian Fa), anyways, she performed all 42 strokes with the lightsaber, and it's pretty cool to see the lightshow of a kata. Yay! (So far, I've learnt nothing because she keeps telling me it's too hard for me. HMPH!)

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Today I went to church and joined the "Contemporary Worship Service". It's basically like Newton Life worship, just downsized a little. Today's message was on Ephesians 6:1-3, so go figure, it was a session on how to honour your parents. Interesting message, heard all of that before, and ultimately it all boils down to basic Christian living.

The Pastor introduced me to the Youths, I met Stephenie, Amethyst, Emily, and... Wait, apparently I was introduced to no teenage guys (sorry, Samantha)

Hoperfully when I go for the Wednesday Bible Study session it'll be a little more interesting. Or at least, I'll meet guys my age, I hope... In the meantime, I plan to visit LA on Tuesday on my own. Pray for me =P

God bless y'all!

Happy Birthday- A Beautiful Mess

2010-01-31T14:52:00.002+08:00

It's amazing how one phone call beats the many emails and Facebook notifications in the world, how you sometimes think, "Man, I wish they'd stop nagging," but suddenly their voices on the phone sound sweeter than honey. It's really amazing how we take small things for granted, things we can't even imagine, that when we're stripped of them we say, "What?! I missed that?!"

Thanks for the many who wished me a happy birthday, and I pray that your wishes upon the many stars would come to pass as well. I pray for awful things this year, I also pray for glorious things for God this year. 'cause when bad stuff happens to me, I grow, and when good things happen to me, I tend to get complacent. So my wish this year is to be tortured, to be put in the refining fire over and over, until my sadistic need to become a godly man is fulfilled. Afterall, life is all about what we can give, and more importantly, who we give to

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Sometimes I wonder, just for the sake of reflection, if I had a better attitude in 2009, if I had been smarter in 2008... If I hadn't gotten together with Naomi, if I hadn't chased away Hilary and Oliver, if I hadn't walled myself away from my class... Where would I be?

If I changed my attitudes and behaviour now, simply to show Hilary, "There, I can change!" What would be the meaning to the whole thing?

"You and your sis have attitude problems, yes. But she's willing to change. You aren't,"

Man, I hear this line over and over in my head...

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So, the theme of last year's birthday post was gratitude I believe. This year, it's "Contentment" (man, I hope I spelt that right)

To see where I am in life (physically, morally) and to review my status (social or otherwise) and simply say, "TO GOD BE THE GLORY!" Because nothing is mine, and everything perishes. If there's one thing I've come to finally realize, it's that anything can be valuable, it's all a matter of faith, and all a matter of love.

So, if you've bothered to read my whole post, love yourself, because you are a continuous series of changes, and not all are pretty. Even when you do look good, it's still just another beautiful mess. It isn't till the Creator looks at our finally completed form and says, "It is good," that the job is finished

I pray that you'll receive good things this year, but I also pray that you'll receive wisdom to cope with the bad, and to be humble enough to change yourself to become better. Let's journey together =)

God bless!

Who Shall I Miss Today?

2010-01-29T05:45:00.001+08:00

And over the course of these past few days in the land of the brave and free, the number of people I miss have racked up to the hundreds (or else I just lost count) They include family, friends, fans, enemies, playgrounds, shopping malls, and Coke. Oddly enough, I'm beginning to have a fond casual-ness with Coke and it's no longer the cocaine of my life. It's just... Tasty?

Anyways, today I was at CostCo and saw a tall dude walking with a lady who was not so tall, but was decently beautiful nontheless. This scene (I saw it from behind) reminded me of a certain LifeConcert poster and I went, "Oh, great, ANOTHER person I miss..."

So, yes, Mom, Dad, Nicole, Hilary, Rudi, Naomi, SFC (Samantha, Rachel, Samuel, Victor, Benedict, Chesed...) and many many others, I miss Singapore, and I miss Chicken Rice. I miss LAN, I miss my bed (though my current one is uber cushioned and warm and cozy)

I miss prata, I miss SBS (weird, huh?), I miss the lack of fear whenever I turned on the tap, I miss the exessive exposure to Asians (though there are LOADS of chinese here for some reason, and most of all, I miss the lack of so many people who make me feel so thin and so short.

Yessss... I'm a weird person. Embrace it, then embrace me, please?

Anyways, I have a very serious question I would like everyone to answer. Because this morning I checked the conditioner bottle and found myself thoroughly perplexed. I've never used conditioner so please understand me confusion:
Do I put the conditioner on while the shampoo's STILL on my head, or after I've washed it off?

God bless y'all!!!

Good Deed Do-er

2010-01-27T10:47:00.003+08:00

Today my uncle and I decided to drop me off in the middle of the nearby shopping complex (I say complex because it's many shopping centres combined), crossing our fingers and hoping I can find my way back. I found my way back, it is a friggin' long walk, so I figure if I walk there for lunch and back, I'd burn off the whole lunch's worth of eating.

Tried Mexican food, me no like.

Went back home, but decided to skip it and check out the nearby bastketball court. Met an 18-year-old christian Korean girl who apparently came to the USA 1.5 years ago to better her English. Found out quite a few things:

- The school semester in USA starts in September and ends in January.

- High School has 4 years. The 2nd year called sophomore

- Her name is Sarah. Erm... Yeah, no big deal

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Being the total gentleman (a bored dude) I kindly offered her my help when she couldn't get home (I needed to pass the time) and lent her my handphone to call her mom (again, not my SIM card)

Apparently this 2nd year High School Korean girl was locked outta her own home, her mom having the key. We spent a few minutes pointlessly (excuse me, politely) trading awkward conversation (her english was surprisingly bad). The rain started to fall, and she quickly ran off to her friend's place while I dashed back to my uncle's house.

(Edit: Also, her whole family's Christian, she has an older brother, and her dad's in Korea. Also, they learn about Singapore History in Korea, GO SINGAPORE!)

So, lesson? No matter what, be a good deed do-er, and expect no reward in return. I didn't even get a "Thank you,"! Let alone her number and Facebook account! But did that stop me from helping? No! I say this, humbly, so that y'all will be fellow good deed do-ers as well, spreading love and joy throughout the Earth with out God-breathed acts of kindness!

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So humble right? I know =P

Here's a song that I hope will inspire you, "Live High" by Jason Mraz =)

K, God bless y'all =)

Good Morning, Lord

2010-01-25T22:20:00.002+08:00

It's 5am, I wake up and can't fall back asleep. Reading one chapter of Zechariah just to get me started, I go to the computer room and play MD2. Mid-way through the game I turn to my right and look out the window, seeing the rising light paint the skies blue and red, the rooftops basking in the crimson. Joy fills my heart and I come on this blog, turning on "Good Morning Lord" and looping the song to this post.

Lala... What has happened so far... Saturday:
- Went for a birthday party at "Pump It Up", highlight was the drive there. Turning left and right on the way there, it looked as if the suburb was cradled in mountains and covered with a gorgeous baby blue. Rain is expected on Tuesday, so I suppose the blue of peace will be denied us for a day. Shall we feel blue then?

Sunday:
- Went to church and heard a message on marraige and the role of men and women in a marraige. Impressive, and I came up with many many points even as the speaker was speaking. However, after the service he disappeared, so I guess I'll look for him next week. I think the church is called, "The First Baptist Church of..." something

- Went to yet another party, this time I managed to get up close and personal with a real-life FIRE TRUCK! (so sue me for loving being a kid)

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Went to some party on Friday or Saturday night. It was a pretty fancy dinner so I had to dress up nice. At a Hilton Hotel in LA (first time I'm seeing the city) there was the celebration of MTC, which I first heard as NTUC, which was weird. Next to this party was the "Golden Mic Awards", so whoever has heard of it please tag the tagboard because I saw the awards and went "Huh?!"

MTC is apparently a very chinese company so we had a typical Chinese gourmet dinner. However the Sharks' Fin was much too thick and the noodles were badly cooked. All in all a horrible dinner and a rather yawnful event.

Why is it that some women insist on wearing dresses that boast cleavage? I feel uncomfortable and dare not look at them. Now guys, is this strange behaviour, or something we should all possess? Enlighten me

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The clouds now dash across the skies, now a soft yellow, looking unwell and turning green on the edges as peace begins to fill the tapestry.

I was talking to my aunt and uncle and I somehow said, "I dunno," and I heard the voice of my sister go, "Tsk, you everything also dunno one la," A pang goes through my heart. I miss the insults. Perhaps we weren't kidding when we told our mom that it was our way of having fun and loving each other. I actually miss my sister

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Clutching my heart at night sometimes, thinking that somehow every heart is left purposefully designed with emptiness so that we would work and seek in life to fill the void. I've filled it with God and family, so it comforts me that now the void is lessened. But try as I might there is another hole there that I can't fill, no matter how many times I crush the shirt around my chest and pound it.

I think I'm melodramatic, but I can't help myself. If men are to be in control of their emotions, perhaps I've yet to mature and become a Man. I wonder many times when God will move, and when He'll change my heart to make me ready, or change my heart to rid the void, because sometimes it really hurts.

"Make me ready, Lord," I pray, "Prepare me. But please, don't let me meet her here. Seriously, Lord, Asian women are still the hottest on Earth. I think so anyways, but You know what's best,"

We wonder if God rolls His eyes at our requests or simply chuckles. I think we'll find out soon

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Well, to whoever is still reading my blog, I hope you're enjoying yourself. Today I'll try to do some work on Amazon and maybe learn some swordplay from my grandma from China

I love life. God bless =)

God Bless The USA

2010-01-21T22:10:00.002+08:00

Realizing that posting stuff on Tumblr would only lead it to be shown on Facebook, Shane decides that he would speak to the audience who reads his blog, who saw him through his journey of JC and perhaps only jumped on the bandwagon towards the end.

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It's 6am, 21st January. Can you believe how many people have often said I belonged with America? And in 9 days time I'll celebrate my first day, here, in the land of the free, of hopes and dreams, whose motto is "In God We Trust". I type this at 6am for a few reasons.

1. I slept next to the computer the entire night
2. I couldn't sleep the whole night

Living in my uncle Roger in the suburbs is awesome, seriously, because I get to see and experience a lifestyle that I only every dreamed of having. Unfortunately, I now live in a type of house where I've heard and seen many shows do ghost stories in, AND there is silence. I mean it, in my room, the only thing you hear is your breathing, your body digesting food, you heart-beat, and you thinking about how it's weird that your body is making sounds you never knew it could make. Yes, you hear yourself THINKING, THAT'S how friggin' quiet it is!

In desperation, because I haven't found an adapter to hold the charger of my handphone, I slept next to the computer tonight, playing Owl City via YouTube because it's the only playlist long enough to last me the night. The results? I have a right calf that cramped up 3 times in a row and remains curiously docile, as if waiting for the right time to strike back. I've also learnt to have faith in God more, just in one night, if you can believe it

I have several ridiculous fears: The dark, being left alone in the dark, silence in the dark, silence. All have to do with the absence of light, sound, and life. Hmmm... Sounds like school and smells like teen spirit, no? So, comforting myself that God, Whose glorious works I praised like a fanatic on Hawaii, is constantly watching over me, and that no demon may touch me lest He allow it. The only "demons" I'll receive will be of my own mind, for God never sends us any trial that we cannot run from/overcome. Thus, ignoring the pitch black outside my room, I closed my eyes and whispered "God," and dozed. Or maybe I'm just jet-lagging...

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My uncle cheekily came to me yesterday, "Yo, Shane, wanna follow me to the Korean supermarket? The scenery there's nice,"

I look up from my game and look at him questioningly.

"Women-wise, anyway,"

I roll my eyes and get bat to "Batman: Arkham Asylum"

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Darn Samantha has officially hammered "Party In The USA" into my head. Getting off a plane at Los Angeles airport made the line, "Hoped off the plane at LAX," loop in my head, and I almost screamed, but stopped when a bunch of policemen with guns came into sight.

But seriously, America, a land of hopes and dreams.Grand mistakes and grand dreams have been committed and realized here respectively, and to stand on soil where cowboys, red Indians, astronauts, and all other whatnots once stood... Thinking about the history of this gigantic country, the amount of emotion that has been experienced, the amount of life that has been lived... All the love shown, rage thrown, sadness poured, and happiness given

I think my uncle's plan is to get rid of my jet lag before he starts showing me stuff I can do here. Maybe we'll even start today. Yay! Soon, I shall eat "In and Out Burgers", and then Johan and I will have one common point: We ate at one of the best burger outlets in the world!

God bless y'all!

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Hilary:
Yeah, miss you too. Sorry I'm not there to ask more kids about tuition.

ADVERTISEMENT:
Hilary Tan, 19 years old, graduate from Saint Andrews' Junior College, is offering tuition for 2 'O' Level Subjects: Social Studies, and English.
She scored distinctions for both subjects in her 'O' levels and is very flexible.
If interested, tag my tagboard, and you may also inquire of her rates and stuff.

The Sky

2010-01-20T15:57:00.003+08:00

You know you're a tourist when:
- You get to Hawaii and you HAVE to buy a Ukulele
- You get to Japan and you think everything is cool, just because it's Japanese
- You "Ooh" and "Aah" when your plane soars over Los Angeles and everyone rolls their eyes

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Before I even got to USA I already have gifts for people liao. Souvenirs from Japan and Hawaii, both where I spent 6-8 hours each in transit. In total, I spent about 24 hours flying, 16 hours in transit, thus I have spent about 2 days flying. Yet, after leaving Singapore at 7am on 19th January, I arrive in California, surprise surprise, at 8pm on 19th January.

I had an entire blog post thought out about how time-travelling isn't really time travelling then, but really just a change in perception of our time. But I wanted to focus on another topic all together: The Sky

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See, the sky is the one universal heaven, no matter where we are on Earth, we see it, lest we live in a cave, in which case... Wait, who amongst my readers live in a cave? (Samantha, I'm talking to you, somehow)

The beauty of the sky is without regard to the earth beneath it, and whether you're in Hawaii, Singapore, or Los Angeles, the artistry of the baby blue with dashes of white and its many variations can be astounding, from the dullest of grey on boring days to the gorgeous streaks of fires that light up our evenings...

Rainbows exist in the world, always. If we keep our eyes on the horizon, we seem 'em always. The setting sun burns while the cool blue sky tries to douse the flames. The results, at least, from my aeroplane, are rainbows that span the horizon. If rainbows are God's promise to us, then I hope now y'all know that whether you see them or not, they exist somewhere in the world, giving hope to many and bringing glory to the Father

I praise God for the safe journey and the patience to take care of my grandparents. I also praise God for extremely loving grandparents. Praise Him for the fact that now I'm in a big house, I feel no fear as His presence and assurance fills my heart. Please pray that I'll continue to keep my eyes on Him, I'm still rather afraid of the dark, and silence here is incredible. In Singapore there is never true silence. Down here, when you sleep, you hear your body shutting down. It's THAT quiet

God bless, have fun as always =)

Christianity can get complex...

2010-01-15T19:12:00.002+08:00

Watching videos of Kent Hovind and his debates is fascinating. The number of Christians and non-Christians alike slam him and very few are supportive of him. The thing I hate about people when they talk about debates is when someone fumbles or makes a mistake during their speech, or perhaps utilizes an analogy or follows an argument that isn't so strong, they immediately point it out as incompetence or stupidity. People expect that when one goes into a debate, they know everything and anything on the subject, or at least close to it, before they are considered competent. It isn't possible to know everything, nor is it possible to have a response handy to every question that they happen to stumble across. In reality when such issues like "The Origins of Life" or "Evolution" or "Creationism" come into play, there really should be no arguments, but discussions, a presentation of views, with rebuttals by the opposition, so that these views are honed, just as iron sharpens iron, man should sharpen man

Christianity can get so complicated when people want to complicate it, and stepping into the fields of reasoning and science can get dangerous, because so much is up high and out of reach, and I'm not talking about divinity, just human authority. History is written by the victor. Can credibility ever be 100%? Hasn't everyone lied? Well, with the exception of Jesus, of course. Even with that statement, the credibility of the Bible comes into play, and then the answer to the question is solved: Credibility can only be taken on in faith. In truth, trust comes from faith, faith comes from... Hmmm...

What gives a person faith? Circumstances? Their personal feelings? It is faith, this indescribably strange... "Thing" that is what gives birth to bias, which can also be spawned from fact. Bias colours everything to everyone, and when approaching an argument and debate it is always important that we readily confess that we are biased, often in many areas. Ultimately, the rejection or acceptance of religion (Christianity/Islam/Hinduism/Buddhism) or science (Evolution and... Hmmm...) is based on faith. Arguments/Facts/Opinions/Evidence can always be found, backed up, and torn down, but faith is the template that gives these things form and substance.

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This would pose a problem to Christians, right? To be sure and steadfast in our faith and whatnot? To have confidence in God? Well, just because faith is subjective to each person doesn't mean that it's any less strong, even in the face of strong oppositional evidence. I can say, "Sure, these things can prove the non-existence of God. But just as this evidence has shown up to disprove my faith, evidence in the future may show up to disprove your faith,"

I know what I believe, and I cannot fathom a world without a higher being governing it. Random chance and odd occurrence is simply too unbelievable to me, but an intelligent designer, especially the God of the Bible, creating the universe and setting apart light from dark, right from wrong seems perfectly believable to me, and that's enough for me

Perhaps I'm a simpleton, but then I have nothing to lose. If I'm wrong, then I die and suffer in the hell of some other religion, or die and become part of the Earth and its "everlasting cycle". But at least I died believing in something. And if I'm right, I have the whole of eternity to understand this God the Father and what He's like. And if I'm right, my eternity starts now. So I learn, I reason, debate, get beaten down, and get encouraged, and, I believe, all to the betterment of myself and to the glory of God. Amen

God bless =)

Time to Soar

My Worth

Hummings and a Mark Twain Quote

Hmmm...

Here I Am, Send Me

Hannah, Talking, Bubble Tea. BUBBLE TEA!!!

Regrets of Junior College Life (JC Life)

6 Weeks Of No Blogging

Halloween... Finding Jeruselem

My Duties? Field Camp

Calming Down

RANT RANT LSM STRESS!!!

Moving Onwards Through... Necessity *grumble*

Erasing A Crush Through K-Box

Will-Power NavEx? Hating Bishan

Sick of the Same 'Ol Same 'Ol

Re-reading, Faith

Exhaustion

Memories to Anticipated Future, Hilary

Marksmanship/SOC, Miracles, Belief

Post Numero 300

Musings on Relationships

SOC Failure, Everlasting Love

Unwanted Peace

KCP, Hannah, Song Colours

#&$*!!!

Empty

I think I'm emo-ing liao (EDIT: SOC Reflection)

Statements From The Heart: I'm Stupid

Reflections Without

Strange Things... Girls

Went For Singing Course!

I Wonder If Sammie Will Read This Post

Dance!! Stuff I Wanna Learn

Awesome Stuff: ASLC, Naomi (Chan), Music

Randoooooommmmm

Anger, Sleep-Walking, Case For Christ, Gaby

Music, Song-writing, Oldies

Love In Disguise, Air Bender!

Control Mouth, Learn To Be A Servant

My Awesome Post on Life/MMORPGs!!!

Breaking Up The Posts: The Inner Me

2 Week Post, Part 2, Shaken, Funny Thoughts

2 Week Post, Part 1, Girl Problem + Reflections

One Shot, One Kill, Character Building

Sleep All Day All DAY!!!

SISPEC LOH!!!

POP LOH!

Shane Is A Bootlicker

Sit-Test, IPPT, Crush, Gabrielle Meagan

Reflectional

FSS, Appeal to FASS

Ga Ga, Lessons in Life and Energy

Politics

Spiritual Climate, The Effect of Words

Shoot, Eunice, Primary

The Internet Is For...

Songs That Play In My Head In Camp

Boredom

Faithless-ness cured?

Cycles- Music, Worship

Easter, a time...

Good Friday

Boiing!

Hmmmm... No appropriate title

Breaking The Mental Barrier

1000 Things With Nothing To Say

Bye-Bye

Fe-fe-FEARSOME!!!

Homefulness

Surreal

Shutter Island and Fear

Sin City- Las Vegas

Grand Canyon

Worship "The Rock"

Universal Studios!

The real post is the next one

Happy Valentine's Day and a Happy Chinese New Year!

I CAN SKI! ... Sorta

Lucid Dreams: 1. Rachel Ong

Moving Onwards Through... Necessity grumble